How Grief Works When You Have ADHD

Grief is a unique and subjective experience for everyone. It can be hard to understand even while you are going through it. Eventually, it becomes obvious that grief must be actively engaged, not ignored, in order to cope with it.

People with ADHD might have more work to do than most when it comes to grief. Whether you are grieving alongside a person with ADHD or have ADHD yourself, you might begin to notice certain behavioral differences in the way neurodiverse people deal with grief.

More than most people, those with ADHD might have to work harder to understand or explain their grief. No one can prepare a person for grief or teach them a proper way to grieve, since it is such a complex thing. However, it helps to realize that grief works a little differently when you have ADHD. Understanding these differences might allow people to have a little more grace and patience with their neurodiverse loved ones or for themselves as they grieve.

Object Permanence

Babies as young as four months old show signs of understanding that someone exists even when they cannot see that person. Very young infants might cry when you move out of their field of vision, but they soon recognize that you are still in their vicinity even when they cannot see you. This concept is called “object permanence.” It works the same for every neurotypical person but varies for those with ADHD, however.

Those with ADHD frequently operate with the attitude of “out of sight, out of mind.” They only have the cognitive capacity to focus on whatever is in their field of vision and to devote their attention to singular tasks or people. For example, many people with ADHD frequently lose their car keys. This is because as soon as they get home, their minds are focused on the next task, and they “blank out” on where they placed their keys.

A Ray of Light

During an average day at work, a neurotypical person is learning and keeping a copy of information in their head. They can think backward to the past and forward to the future, all while they do tasks in the present. They do this naturally and without effort because that is how their brains are wired. If their focus were a beam of light, it would be broad and bright, illuminating everything around them.

By contrast, a person with ADHD can only keep one, maybe two things in their minds at once. If their focus were a beam of light, it would be a flashlight only illuminating the thing they pointed toward. “Out of sight, out of mind” might be too simplistic.

If only one thing is illuminated, then everything else is in pitch blackness. This is why they misplace keys, forget appointments, and struggle to miss people they have not seen in a while. It is also why they might struggle to grieve.

Working Hard to Grieve

Grief does not only occur after a death. We might grieve a lost relationship, an old occupation, or even distance in a friendship. There are many things people grieve over, each one as valid as the next. Those with ADHD have far fewer things to grieve over, given that they tend to focus on immediate situations.

The problem with grief, though, is that it becomes a tangible thing that we carry in our bodies even when we do not engage with it. Like all other humans, those with ADHD feel grief in the physical sensations of stomach aches, back pain, and heavy sadness, and it takes effort for them to identify these sensations and deal with them.

Grief can feel like work, even for neurotypical people. We often assume that one day we will find closure, and things will get easier. Sometimes, closure is all we need. We might get that after attending a funeral, writing a letter that expresses everything we have been carrying inside, or giving ourselves the space to be in our feelings. However, more often than not, we need to make an effort to work with grief, and this is where people with ADHD particularly struggle.

People with ADHD do not tend to grieve in the same ways as everyone else. One person might be torn apart by having to move states and start life over somewhere new. Those with ADHD will feel the physical and emotional strain of this too, but they will tend to focus on practical tasks if they can.

On the surface, it often looks like people with ADHD are unfazed by life-changing events, when in reality, they do not realize that they must give themselves the space to mentally process life-altering changes.

It takes something like a physical effort for them to try and focus on the situation that is causing them grief and to tap into the emotions and thoughts they have about current events. Those with ADHD might feel a general sense of detachment from loss. This looks and feels like shock or numbness, and the person with ADHD is unable to articulate what they are thinking and feeling.

They might also “forget” about the loss, as crazy as that sounds. Once again, this is not because they don’t care, but rather it is because they lack the cognitive ability to retain information. They might feel distressed each time they “remember” their lost loved one. In a way, they get stuck in a repeating grief cycle for a while, which is as emotionally exhausting as it sounds.

Helping those with ADHD Grieve

Grief is a time for helping our loved ones and asking for help from them. Emotions are usually more tender and rawer in grief. We might be more annoyed and hurt by others. This kind of emotional dysregulation is a common experience for those with ADHD, even when they are not grieving.

It is helpful to keep this in mind when you draw close to them for support in times of grief. They inherently understand big emotions, sharp mood swings, and the feeling of being out of control.

A practical thing you can do for someone with ADHD who is grieving is to engage them in conversation about the loss. Talk to them about whatever it is that is causing grief. Reminisce with them and give them a chance to talk about whatever is on their mind at the moment.

Most of those with ADHD will be grateful for having their memories jogged, even if it does stir up powerful emotions in the moment. Grief is all about powerful, and sometimes, messy emotions. As they say, better out than in.

Talking about the loss, especially while incorporating physical tokens, can be life-giving for the grieving person with ADHD. Photographs, letters, articles of clothing, or old toys are all useful tokens for a person with ADHD, especially when they are linked to cherished memories.

Turning the clothes of a lost loved one into mementos like quilts or special cushions can be priceless because they keep the memory of the person always in the field of vision, regularly reminding the person with ADHD of special times.

Keep it secret, keep it safe

People with ADHD often need help to grieve. We might feel annoyed, hurt, or even betrayed when a person with ADHD loved one seems not to be grieving. It is valid to feel hurt by this, but we must remember that neurodiverse people have different nervous systems and ways of thinking. They can’t help that. It is up to their neurotypical loved ones to help them find special memories and to keep them safe.

Grief can be a lonely experience, and there might be times when you want to offload some emotional baggage with someone. You are never alone, despite how it might feel. If you would like to meet with a counselor or learn what resources and support are available for grieving people, please contact us today. We will help connect you with a counselor or direct you to a support group with a trained therapist in our practice. Call when you are ready.