“I’ll Be Home for Christmas”: A Christian Counselor on Navigating Family Time

If you’re anything like most college students, December brings a welcomed change of pace after the rush of finals exams and culminating projects. You’ve spent ten to fifteen weeks studying, cramming, losing sleep, writing, and reading. You are now ready to rest your brain, spend more time with friends, and catch up on sleep. December also means heading home for Christmas break and spending an extended period of time around family. Many college students are literally forced out of their dorms or sororities and fraternities for several weeks until school is back in session.

Christmas break can bring increased anxiety and fear for students returning to dysfunctional patterns of family and decreased freedoms. It can be such a blessing to be welcomed home to a loving family and home cooked meals, but this is not the reality for everyone. Some college students return home to broken marriages, ill parents, an overbearing extended family, and continued pressure about work after graduation. As I have spent extensive time in my practice supporting and walking with college students, I would like to offer a few suggestions for surviving and maybe even thriving while home over the Christmas break.

Assess the Situation as You Return Home

Whether you are driving, busing, or flying home to see family, spend your travel time planning for your time spent around relatives. Mentally preparing yourself for what the next few weeks might look like can help you to avoid being caught off guard. When is Mom expecting me to be with her? Did Dad schedule something on the night my friends are getting together? Are out-of-town relatives coming to visit? On my high school cross country team we would spend time before each race visualizing the course. The coach would have us close our eyes and picture each turn and curve of the trail to mentally prepare for the upcoming challenge. This practice may be helpful as you look ahead to a challenging few weeks at home. One you have assessed the situation, you can begin to plan and prepare for the weeks ahead.

Schedule Self-Care While Visiting Your Family

Self-care is something I discuss with almost all of my clients. In our fast paced world, the first thing to go out the window is our need to rest and reconnect with ourselves. If you know that time with your family will be emotionally draining, ensure that you plan time to step away and attend to yourself. This might look like a walk, coffee with a friend, going to a movie, doing crafts, or even a phone conversation with a friend from school. When we neglect to care for ourselves we have less to offer those around us, especially when those people require a lot of energy and attention.

Establish Boundaries with Your Family Members

Once you have figured out what self-care will look like for you, make sure to hold firm to your plans by maintaining boundaries. Boundaries often mean saying “no” to people or activities, even if this means disappointing others. Especially when it comes to self-care, you are the only person who can protect your precious time and ensure you are slowing down long enough to be rejuvenated. Boundaries might also include leaving conversations before they become abusive, avoiding being alone with manipulative family members, and saying “no” when someone asks too much of you. A trusted relative or sibling may be able to help you maintain these boundaries if you need extra support.

Communication is Key in Family Relationships

>None of the above are possible without clearly communicating your needs, plans, and expectations to the people in your life. Rather than assuming that people know you have plans or that you don’t like talking about your girlfriend at Christmas dinner… tell them. Let Mom know that you have planned a ski trip with friends after Christmas or that you don’t want to discuss plans for after graduation during family dinner. While you have been away at college growing, developing, and exploring, your family members have not been present to see your progress. Communicating your feelings and needs can allow your family members the chance to respond and adjust their behaviors.

Christian Counseling Can Enable You Move Forward with Your Family

You may be thinking, “These all sound like good ideas, but my family is crazy and nothing can make Christmas break more bearable.” If that is the case, I would encourage you to focus on self-care and check in with yourself when you return to school for winter quarter. It might be helpful for you to process your experiences and the mounting struggles in your family with a professional. A Christian Counselor will be able to walk with you as you sort through your disappointment, frustration, and confusion about how to move forward in your relationships with your family members. If you would like help processing your family experience and dynamics, or would like to find out more about what Christian counseling involves, please don’t hesitate to reach out to any of the therapists at Seattle Christian Counseling.