Is It Possible for Kids to Control their Emotions? A Child Therapist Weighs In

Upon asking if it is possible for kids to control their emotions, it is equally important to ask whether it is reasonable to expect it. As a therapist who has worked with children five years old and older, I will answer yes to both questions. Yes, it is possible for kids to control their emotions. And yes, it is reasonable to expect a child five years old to be able to control their emotions.

However, defining what that control means and looks like is key to understanding how it will look in operation and function in a child. Controlling emotions refers to the ability to identify, steward, and respond to emotional stimulation in a balanced or healthy way versus dismissing or ignoring them. Controlling emotions in therapeutic terms is referred to as emotional regulation.

Emotional regulation is the process of managing the intensity, duration, and expression of emotions to respond correctly to situations while maintaining mental well-being. Note that this definition does not intend for the child to avoid or repress the feelings that arise but requires them to manage their emotional reaction.

Emotional reaction management helps ensure that decision-making does not become overwhelmed and that social interactions remain mostly positive.

Every Child Can Learn About Emotions

Per the National Center for Education Statistics, children can learn more about their emotions than we sometimes give them credit for. Even young children are taking in information, remembering patterns, and beginning to connect what they feel with what is happening around them. By ages 2-3, children can begin holding on to information in meaningful ways.

As they move closer to ages 4-5, their memory, attention, and ability to follow simple steps continue to grow. This matters because emotional regulation is also learned step by step. A child may not always respond perfectly, but with consistent teaching, modeling, and practice, they can learn to pause, name what they feel, and choose a safer or more appropriate response.

Teaching children emotional regulation requires teaching them in a way they can comprehend. Children need the concept of “emotional regulation” broken down into a more understandable construct such as “pause and check in.” Often, taking the foundational meaning of words and using them with a younger mind helps them better connect with meaning.

Emotional regulation at its foundation is all about pausing and checking in with yourself first. Although emotional regulation is profoundly serious, allowing a child to learn emotional regulation by making it into a “tag-your-it” type of game is okay.

As a therapist who has worked with children and adolescents, the intensity can be lessened if fun can be had. However, always remind the child that fun is okay, and safety is the best friend of fun. We can have fun if you are safe, and so is everyone else. This is layered, but it is the step-by-step method that was previously mentioned. Once you convey the concept, begin to build on it to add other important ideas regarding emotional regulation.

What A Child Needs to Know About Their Emotions

The first thing that a child needs to know about their emotions is that they are not bad, stupid, make them an annoying person, make them weird, should make them feel scared, or any other negative conclusion they may have come to.

Children must know that emotions are a part of their human experience and their emotions are God given. The goal is to help them not only regulate their emotions but to understand them so that they can avoid shame or even embarrassment because of what they are feeling.

Here are a few simple phrases that can help children and adolescents feel seen, supported, and less alone in what they are experiencing.

• “It’s okay to not feel okay.” – Normalizes odd feelings without judgement.
• “Sadness can feel lonely. Can I sit with you quietly?” – Normalize maintaining connecting during tough times versus isolation.
• “Crying is okay. I will get you some tissue.” – The focus is getting the child comfortable with being supported while being validated (seen).
• “Feeling scared is hard. What do you need right now? – The focus is getting the child to speak to how to name what would meet their need, by using their words.

The key is to keep it simple, continue step-by-step and to model. Children need to see that we not only understand but are present. Being present is not just about our bodies being in the same space, meaning proximity. They need to know that an adult is present in their eyes and with their hearts. This matters to any child in any emotional state at any time.

Modeling is one of the most effective ways children learn emotional regulation. Children are always watching how the adults around them respond to frustration, sadness, disappointment, fear, and even joy.

When adults can slow down, name what is happening, and respond steadily, children begin to learn that emotions can be felt without taking over the whole moment. This is not about being perfect in front of a child. It is about allowing the child to see regulation practiced in real time.

One Step Further

The goal is to build a foundation of understanding not only emotional regulation but to also take it one step further to begin establishing good mental health. Think about that for a second, what if it was widespread practice to put into place the building blocks for children to have a good headstart to sound mental health.

Children who understand their emotions grow into adults who understand their emotions as well as how to manage them. Children can control their emotions when they learn that their emotions are a part of their human experience.

As a therapist who is a Christian, I can tell you that unpacking that truth, along with the reality that God equipped us with emotions for a purpose, and that they are good. God speaks of emotions and how to manage them throughout His Word.

A child must know that anger is real and God is aware. Fear is going to show up; God knew it and warned us that we were going to have to stand up to fear, not run from it. With God’s help, they can emotionally regulate.

Children are easy to teach when we know what we are teaching and how to teach it. When controlling emotions is taught with consideration of self, others, environment, and outcome, it helps to create step-by-step instruction, which creates consistency in demonstration and modeling.

As children grow into adolescents the emotional lessons that they learn will undoubtedly stick with them while allowing additional knowledge of more complicated emotional concepts.

Sensitivity can be learned, and due to our culture, which is heavily packed with less-kind television programming, video games, and movie entertainment, sensitivity is an emotion we cannot afford to leave children to gather on their own.

Teaching children how to manage anger and express it in a healthy way is a necessity our current society can no longer ignore. Ignoring emotional health until it becomes a crisis. When a child is in mental crisis, there is less chance of helping them, and it is harder to assist the appointed adult with comprehending what is happening with them in the moment.

The more clarity that can be given to children to help them identify and understand their emotions, the better we can help them manage what they go through while continuing to understand who they are and will become emotionally.