Is Your Relationship Healthy?

Improving Couple and Marital Relationships

 

A wise old man once looked at me and said: “Son … being married is the most joyful thing I have experienced and well worth the constant headaches.” This wisdom speaks to the reality that pleasure and pain can exist in the same space. While couple relationships can manifest the deepest feelings of intimacy and care, they can also bring out attitudes, fears, and behaviors not experienced in any other relationship. In couple relationships we experience events in ways that are categorically different because we are not impacted individually but collectively. The job promotion with all its benefits directly impacts the other partner, as do the inevitable sacrifices that come with this good thing.

This sounds rather elementary and obvious, and it is obvious. However, even though we know this, I am not convinced that we are aware of this reality most of the time. And so we go through life not fully in tune to the relationship part of our marriage. Too often we drift through life as husband and wife ̶ two separate entities traveling in opposite directions.

As a Christian Counselor who specializes in working with couples, I have observed a multitude of variables that affect marital quality. In this article, I want to focus on three areas that I believe are critical to every relationship.

Common Vision in a Relationship

I have never had a couple walk into my office and say, “We really want to have, or maintain, an unfulfilling, miserable, dead-end marriage.” But quite often I have had couples verbalize that, “My/our marriage is not fulfilling and seems to be headed south right now.” Where I see couples getting stuck is in the lack of a common vision for their relationship. To make this more tangible, I ask couples to list what they want to see occurring in their lives together? Many couples are unaware of their partner’s needs, hopes, and desires. I ask couples to process this ̶ not only in therapy, but also by setting aside time during the week to talk about this subject. I find that when people do this, they often find that they want the same things, but that they attempt obtain these things quite differently.

Being Attuned to Your Partner

My observation shows that not being attuned to the needs of the other partner can be a huge source of tension and distress in couple relationships. While everybody comes to the table with different ideas and theological positions on gender roles, one can still be attuned to another while remaining faithful to one’s commitments and convictions. Some believe in complementary relationships, meaning that the male is the “spiritual head” of the family and makes the final decisions in the relationship. Others subscribe to an egalitarian relationship in which both have an equal voice in decision making in the relationship. No matter the position held, each partner can be in-tune to the emotional, relational, physical, and spiritual needs of the other partner. I often address these four domains with couples, and ask each to begin a process of identifying each of these needs. I believe that such attunement will enable couples to receive and give feedback to one another. This relational skill is essential in any type of relationship, but even more so in a marriage. This is because relationships will never grow, remain healthy, or adapt to lifecycle changes if both partners do not have a certain amount of flexibility. Feedback says things such as, “Thank you for doing that … it was what I needed most.” Or, “I feel humiliated when you speak to me like that.” Feedback allows us to adjust and develop healthy, nurturing relationships. 

Time Together, Time Apart, and Time in Community

A common pattern found in couple relationships is one of the following extremes: “We never see one another …” or, “We are always together.” This is sometimes compounded by the phrase, “We don’t have friends anymore.” This tends to create the difficulty that couples try very hard to get all of their needs met by their partner. In my observation with my clients, this has had a 100% failure rate. Only God can sufficiently meet all of our human needs and God created us to be in community with many, many other people. Both spiritually and psychologically, we need human contact.

When couples spend little time together, their relational connection is lost and their attunement to the other’s needs becomes a distant memory. When they are never apart, their autonomy is lost and this autonomy is what allows us to connect to others in the community, especially from a gender perspective. Both male and female partners need friends of the same gender and multiple attachments in order to maintain resiliency. This means that when our partner is unable to be physically, emotionally, relationally, or spiritually present in our lives, our whole world does not come crashing down. Our ability to work through the tough stuff is dependent on the solidarity and relational connections we have established.

Christian Counseling for Couples is a Solid Investment

Spending some time with a couple and family therapist is a wise use of time and money, no matter what place you are at in your relationship. Perhaps you are in serious trouble and things look hopeless. Couple’s therapy can be worth the investment as you try to heal and transform the relationship. Or it can be a place that enables you to figure out how to part peacefully in a way that does the least amount of damage to one another and the family.

Couple’s therapy can also be a safe space for couples who are not in trouble and simply want to have better relationships. Whatever the reason, taking the risk to be vulnerable and invest in couple’s therapy might be the best move you ever make. As a Christian counselor, I get great satisfaction when my clients are able to attain the type of relationship they have always wanted. I hope that you will allow me the privilege of accompanying you in your relationship. At Seattle Christian Counseling we are prepared to walk through this with you. To find out more about how Christian counseling can help your relationship, please reach out to me directly here.