‘Like A Flower Leaning Toward The Sun’ Reconnecting Through Christian Counseling

Principal 3 of a Principals of Marriage Series

from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver
Tips and Strategies adapted from exercises in Gottman and Silver’s
The quote in the title is from the song I Turn to You by Melanie C

A few months ago, I was visiting with a couple that’s been married for 60 years. Their living room is set up so that when you walk in there’s an armchair next to the wall on both sides of you. One afternoon, when the husband came into the living room, he sat in his armchair, picked up the paper and turned toward the lamp away from his wife. I guess it’s possible he was taking better advantage of the light in that position, but it was kind of sad to be in a room with two people who have been together for 60 years, and watch one come into the room and turn his back toward the other.

Acknowledging Nothing Moments

Gottman says one sign of a healthy marriage is the spouses take advantage of “nothing” moments to connect. This can be as simple as sharing a cartoon in the funny pages or commenting on the scenery during a road trip. These seemingly insignificant interactions make up a large part of his research analyzing and comparing how couples behave in successful and troubled marriages. While watching these exchanges between partners, Gottman and his affiliates continually ask themselves– will the other partner respond to or ignore the initiating partner’s offer to connect? “In all these instances husband and wife are making a choice to turn toward each other rather than away. In marriage people periodically make what I call ‘bids’ for their partner’s attention, affection, humor, or support.” (80) He says successful marriages are made up of couples that take advantage of opportunities to engage and respond to their spouse.

You need little moments such as these to give big moments significance. Gottman says grand gestures such as candlelit dinners at dim restaurants usually don’t help struggling partners because they’ve lost the connection minor interactions maintain. Failure to reach for each other on a daily basis is why you see two people arms crossed leaning back across from each other out at dinner. If they can’t connect at home, why should going out to eat make any difference? (81)

 Learning How to Reconnect Can Be Difficult

You’ve allowed awkwardness and distance to build a wall between you. But keep trying, “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.’ (Matt 7:7-8) Nothing comes easy or feels comfortable the first time you try (except burritos) and reconnecting with a spouse who has become a stranger should be no different. But as the Lord reminds us, if we keep working, eventually we will succeed.

Helpful Tips and Strategies (70-71)

Chart your exchanges

Now, the key here is that you DO NOT turn this into some kind of quid pro quo system where you trade off doing nice things for one another and hold it against the other when you’re not “even.” The point of this exercise is to get an idea of how often the small interactions we’ve been discussing happen in your relationship and what they look like.
 • Make a chart: give yourself a point every time you “turn toward” your partner and take away a point every time you “turn away” from your partner

• “Turning toward” your partner may look like:

o Had spouse’s computer repaired

o Helped spouse fix the bird feeder

o Called to say I’d be late for dinner

• “Turning away” from your partner may look like:

o Forgot to pick up spouse’s shoes from the cobbler

o Left my dirty clothes on the bedroom floor

o Deleted the season finale of spouse’s favorite show from the DVR

Gottman says it’s important to be honest with yourselves here. Try to be as accurate with the chart as you can. For couples that have gotten out of touch with each other, this is a good way to chart your progress toward reconnection. Remember– don’t be discouraged if your chart doesn’t fill up over night. Changing your marriage takes time.

 How’s Life?

Another of Gottman’s connection strategies invites couples to sit down and talk about anything that stresses them EXCEPT their marriage.

• Find a time that works for both of you. Some people come through the door ranting; others need some time to decompress first.

• Take turns. One gets 10 or 15 minutes of uninterrupted talking, then the other.

• When it comes your time to respond, don’t give unsolicited advice. Gottman said this comes off as your diminishing their problem and insulting them for not seeing how simple the solution is.

• Demonstrate interest. Don’t just sit there waiting for your turn– focus on what your spouse is saying.

• Take their side and express solidarity. There’s a scene in “Confessions of a Shopaholic” when the protagonist tells a friend about an adversary at work. The friend immediately explodes with, “I hate her! …Who is she again?” Sometimes blind loyalty is a good thing.

• Make it clear you care about them and think their emotions are valid.

• Ask your spouse how you can help or what you can do to make them feel better.

 Reconnecting through Christian Counseling

As you lose that initial obsessive love and start focusing on the non-beloved parts of your life again, taking time to acknowledge your spouse can become less of a priority. Reintroducing those habits of spending time together and making little attempts to engage the other can be difficult. Consider sitting down with a professional Christian counselor to get some scripture-based guidance about how you’ve lost touch with each other and how you can demonstrate to your spouse that you want to have a relationship with them.

 

Images cc: freedigitalphotos.net – Couples Walk Hand In Hand by muttakit, Couple Standing by photostock, and Geranium – Magnificum by Tom Curtis