A Parent’s Guide: The ABCs of Grief and Children’s Counseling

Protection is a natural inclination for us as parents. Before our young ones enter our families, whether through birth or adoption, we develop and retain an instinct to shield them from harm, including providing children’s counseling for them when necessary.

We build a lifestyle around parenting, with provision and protection at the core until they progressively manage on their own. God gifted this to us, making us more like Him, our Everlasting Father. While we do this intentionally with the evils we know of, some ills are simply unavoidable.

Children’s Counseling: A Matter of Life and Death

Death is one such experience that neither we nor our children can opt out of experiencing. At some point or another, we will shudder from its icy sting, whether through the loss of pets or people who add warmth to our lives. While we cannot shelter our children from the inevitability of death or the anguish that grief brings, we can support them with spiritual footing and practical tools for navigating grief.

While no loss is identical, neither are the ways that people process it. We can promote our own children’s resilience and resolve as they endure phases of grief and the changes it invariably presents to the human lives that continue.

Death is a part of life. It touches everyone, though we may experience and process loss differently. As parents, we can be sensitive to this fact as our children express this emotion in unique ways. Sadness or fear may surface; and as a result, they may ask us many questions about death. This may invite opportunities to do the following: highlight what the words of Jesus teach and encourage thought and dialogue through practical resources about grief.

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” – John 11:25-26, NIV

Other times, our children may act out what they feel through play. Play is often considered the “work” of childhood, and it buffers kids from becoming overwhelmed by the uncomfortable emotions and the unknown encountered through loss.

They may vacillate between moments of emotional distress and recreation, but this doesn’t mean our children are no longer grieving. Play is a protective factor that we can support. It fosters resilience and provides an avenue for our children to filter and process difficulty consistent with how God made them and where they are developmentally.

Acknowledge feelings

We don’t have to mask the reality of loss but rather engage in clear communication. This will support our kids’ ability to effectively process grief. They must understand that a loved one didn’t just “go away” or “fall asleep.”

While we may be uncomfortable with the topic, we can create confusion and unnecessary fear when we resort to euphemisms such as these. Otherwise, children may fear what will happen when they or someone else they love naturally falls asleep or leaves their presence.

As parents, we may place a burden on ourselves to possess all the answers. We can convey the reality and the permanence of death without presuming to know everything, even in cases where there may be information that isn’t developmentally appropriate for us to share. Still, we don’t have to avoid questions where we lack knowledge; our children don’t have to hide feelings they don’t understand.

This may stretch our faith and comfort, but it also leads us to seek the Holy Spirit’s wisdom. As Jesus promised, the Helper will guide us in what to share and how, balancing the weight of our emotions and experience through the foundation of the Scripture and the faithfulness of the Father.

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. – Isaiah 41:13, NIV

Be authentic

Curiosity invites conversation. While we can be honest and express our lack of comprehension, we can also convey what we do know. God holds us close to Him, even while our hearts are broken. We may be tempted to hide that we are entrenched in our own grief and are grappling with our own questions and feelings. Yet, when we are willing to be authentic, despite what we feel, we give our children healthy permission to do the same.

Loss can be overwhelming. Sometimes, the experience of losing a loved one carves deep grooves into our souls. It afflicts and wounds, impacting us in ways that change us forever. Yet, that doesn’t have to reflect negatively but rather reveal areas where the Holy Spirit works through our pain to produce purpose and glory (Romans 8:18, 28).

The experience of loss and grief can invite our children to embrace the gifts of God’s comfort, grace, and hope for newness, all of which came to us, through the death, resurrection, and anticipated return of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18).

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18, NIV

Caring For Ourselves

Grief, in and of itself, can present challenges for any human, including those of us experiencing loss alongside our children. We may experience contradictions with navigating the complexity of our own emotions and require the peace of God to soothe us. However, by caring for ourselves, we can model for our children how to process pain in a healthy manner.

In some ways, brokenness creates space for us to cling to the Comforter during troublesome times, but also furnishes mutual support as we extend and receive the blessing of consolation.

Consolation may look different for each person. While some can find comfort in celebrating a loved one’s life, through a funeral or memorial service, that isn’t necessarily helpful for all. Even as parents, we may need to be sensitive to this as we note differences between our needs and those of our children.

We may be able to support them with other ways of establishing a sense of closure such as creating a scrapbook or memory collage of photos or personal artifacts. As we engage our children in dialogue and lead by example, as we learn to care for ourselves, we can support their ideas and expressions of grief in caring for themselves.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. – 1 Corinthians 1:3-4, NIV

As in most experiences, our kids follow the cues provided by our example. How we choose to walk through our circumstances, however painful, can teach our children more than words alone. We can seek books on grieving, developmentally appropriate play resources, or pursue children’s counseling support for ourselves, as a family, or for our children.

Though God is consistently the same, He employs unique and diverse ways to meet us wherever we are, in whatever we experience (Hebrews 13:8). Death is no different, and even here, the Holy Spirit wants to encounter us and our children, remaining our Present Help, even in times of sorrow.

Next Steps: Pursuing Children’s Counseling

You may not be able to buffer your children from the pain of loss, but your response can allow grief to be a place where you don’t just experience hurt but also invite healing. Search the resources available to you on this site.

Consider seeking out help from a professional who is trained to support a healthy grief process and offers children’s counseling, and learn how to apply spiritual and practical resources needed to help you navigate the basics of processing grief not only for you but also for your children.