Physical and Emotional Affairs: What You Need to Know

Over the years, I have seen thousands of couples who are crippled by physical and emotional affairs and betrayal. Each responds differently. Some can’t forgive and end the relationship. Others pull together for the children or other reasons. Many want to move through it and heal.

All of the emotions in the cycle of grieving take place: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These emotions can’t be denied their presence whether you break up or stay together. They must be processed. How a person processes them and the fact that they have to process them can by itself be a cause for lasting resentment and mistrust. No to mention, it goes against the word of God.

Let’s face it. You can love someone and not trust them. When you trust someone the love will always grow. If you want a relationship to work, don’t mess with trust. That is what binds the book of your lives together. Trust can be healed and regained. That is where the work of healing from infidelity comes through.

To begin, the violator must first ask their partner for the faith that they have learned and it will never happen again. The receiver does not have to trust, just act like they trust until they get there. Faith is the “fake it until you make it” bridge to the land of forgiveness.

To define an Emotional Affair, it means that one or both partners are engaged in intimate communication and often flirtation with a person of interest. The experience they are having takes away and sometimes replaces the emotional relationship they are supposed to have with their partner. These relationships are often more dangerous than actual physical affairs.

That attachment is really what they are yearning. As we all know, relationships ebb and flow depending on many different relational, financial, environmental and personal factors. The ebb is often where the affair begins. When a committed relationship is not working, it can be the loneliest place in the world. It is a true test of your will to be right with God and your own integrity.

We must also understand forgiveness. To forgive is simple. You examine the motive behind the violation rather than an outcome. “How did you decide to do this?” “What made you think it was “okay” to do this?” How did you think I would respond?” “How” and “what” are the best beginnings to your questions that lead to forgiveness.

Most people who have affairs are revealing where their personal integrity stands. Their impulsivity is revealed along with their inability to think of the consequences for their partner, themselves and family. It is a complete violation of the vows taken for each other in a Christian marriage.

However, we are human and Jesus forgives us for our mistakes as long as we repent. As our Father in heaven, he still loves us unconditionally. If God can forgive, your partner can too. So let’s examine the process of therapy to heal.

Personally, I see affairs as a symptom of a problem-filled relationship rather than a cause. The person who finds out about the affair often goes into a deep betrayal stage and entrenches themselves there because they are so violated by their partner and socially humiliated at what has happened.

They don’t know what to do or where to seek support. They don’t want people to know but they need to process their hurt. They resent that fact and take out everything they can on the violator. Some of it is a test and the other part is a healing process for them with the expectation that the violator owes it to their victim partner.

Guilt and shame are everywhere around the couple. If there are children, they feel it too. They may not understand it, but they take their temperature on their parents’ emotional states as to how secure they feel in their lives. The people who know suddenly change how they relate to the couple too. They often either play a role in processing the grieving or they stay away so they don’t get cooties.

Therapy with a trained and experienced therapist regarding infidelity, can move this process along faster and help keep a holding environment for the children. God wants us to heal and be together. It takes two to make a committed relationship work. If both just “try” it won’t work. You either will do the work or you won’t. Half-commitments leave a back door open and trust cannot be found.

Couples going through this must understand that there is a good chance their communication, feelings, and romance may come back. The victim is confused by this and resentful that it took an affair to wake up. However, tragedy reminds us of how fragile our life can be. We begin to appreciate more of what we have rather than what we think we should have.

Strangely, most affairs are not the right person for that partner. They are more often an escape to a different reality. Sadly, once found out, this person is the center of the couple’s conflict and also shares blame for the destruction of (many times) their children’s lives.

Honestly, over half of the children involved in divorce step into absolute poverty. Now both parents have to make a living and they are caught between a divorce and sometimes dealing with a new person in their life who destroyed their parents’ marriage (in their perception). Not a good start. The children lose both parents in a way because their focus has changed.

Not all people are built to be monogamous. Especially if they have no belief or commitment to Christ, therefore they do not have to hold themselves accountable. These people see sex more like a pleasurable activity and the thrill of the pursuit. They have no interest in true love and the chance a sexual relationship has of bringing people together.

In this day and age, people treat sex as a luxury sport. They play one role at work and another on the internet and also have secret lives. What is the deal with sex? Well, it was meant for our species to procreate.

With Christ, it was also meant to bring companionship and love so that we can learn to sacrifice for others and discover the true beauty of being human, to have the opportunity to care for our children and help them to have a wonderful life and learn through us. If we are lucky, they may even take care of us in our old age.

Elderly abandoned people often did not maintain their integrity and find themselves estranged from the children they did not prioritize. Not all cases are like this, but certainly many. Also, parents often compartmentalize their children so the parent can have their play time. This means they have a limited window when the kids have access to them.

Getting back to affairs, children of divorce are suddenly thrust into becoming parentified. What this means, is that they have to take on adult responsibilities and behavior to survive instead of having a healthy childhood. They are the ultimate sacrifice of people breaking up because of affairs.

In counseling, if children are a part of the picture, I work for them. I need to facilitate bringing their parents back to being adults. Given the grieving process and constant shifting of emotions, this can be the biggest challenge.

To improve communication I usually begin with Transactional Analysis. What is this? Did you ever read the book “I’m OK, You’re OK.” That was popular in the 1970s. The theory itself is simple and effective. Transactional Analysis helps us understand our communication as parents, adults, and children.

If you treat your wife like a parent to a child, she is likely going to be enraged at the disrespect and come back to treat you like a child coming from a parent. This is where couples stop listening and arguing over each other.

Healthy parents, adults, and children use Adult to Adult. Yes, children have an adult inside that actually likes to be spoken to. So Adult to Adult is simple. We state to our emotions rather than demonstrate.

I am (angry, happy, frustrated) at/with you. By communicating as adults we are calm, assertive and effectively communicating in a way that we will not as easily trigger a fight where no one is heard. We are forcing our words to be the focus rather than our tone, non-verbal or attitude.

I am not suggesting you be a robot, but peaceful communication can be used in conflict and often gets a resolution that is acceptable by all.

The other dynamic with affairs is the depression that steamrolls both partners. To get over this we must be willing to hear each other’s perception. When hurt, people say horrible things. Usually, it is attention seeking behavior and venting. If you get your feelings easily hurt, you will never make it through the process of healing from an affair.

Remember the word “Perception.” That means we validate the other’s perception, even if we don’t agree. “I understand…”, “So what you’re are telling me is…”, “I am sorry you feel that way…”. This way we are engaged in allowing them to unload without agreeing with them.

The other word is “Prefer.” Think about an “Expectation.” That is the most depressing word in the English language along with “Try.” Take all your unmet over-controlling expectations (especially of yourself and others) and turn them into preferences. That way we don’t have a lot of emotional baggage with preference and can communicate our preference to our partner without offending.

Couples who struggle with their love/hate relationship while healing are healing. You have to love to hate. Hate is not the opposite of love. Apathy is the opposite of love. Apathy means you have no emotions. When people are cussing each other out and telling the other how much they hate them, I know healing can take place. Apathy is dead air and one can’t do much with it in counseling. It takes a lot of energy to hate, as it does love.

I can pull emotional content out of their fighting and interpret their language in a way that both understand.

In the end, the biggest thing that must happen before couples can begin the process of counseling after an affair is that the affair is over and the feelings that may have been there are no longer. There is hope for couples after affairs, I have seen more make it than not and come back stronger with God’s love.