Surviving Relationship Transitions: Bringing Home Baby

Part 2 of a 2-Part Bringing Home Baby Series

*Book Review: And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman PH.D. & Julie Schwartz Gottman, PH.D.

In my previous article, I discussed my experience as a counselor and an expectant mom of reading And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman. This book provides helpful suggestions for maintaining marital intimacy during the transition that comes with the arrival of a new child. In this article, I continue to outline some of the Gottmans’ suggestions for finding healthy ways to manage the conflict that emerges during this time.

Compromise

Compromise is the ability to meet in the middle. This does not necessarily mean giving up your own needs, but rather taking your partner’s thoughts into consideration and being able to work as a team. It is important to identify two things: What are my needs in this situation? And, where can I be flexible? When you can answer both these question, then compromise becomes clearer and more doable.

Processing the Fight Afterward

Conflict may have been unavoidable, but what now? Moving on to the work of repair after a fight can be one of the most important steps for moving forward. According to the Gottmans, “A repair is a few words or a gesture that gets our communication back in the ballpark, where we’re on the same team again” (p. 99, 2007). Being receptive to your partner’s attempts to repair is also an important part of the process.

Naming the Alternative to the Fight

In this part of the recovery process, the Gottmans explain the steps needed to understand why the fight happened and to learn from it. They suggest that one name the conversation that could have happened instead of the fight. The steps here include:

• Sharing your feelings
• Explaining your point of view
• Admitting your faults
• Offering a suggestion for next time

Processing a fight won’t protect you from further conflict, but it will allow you to reconnect as a couple after being driven apart by hurt feelings and misunderstanding. Conflicts that end without any clarification or reconnection can end up doing a great deal of damage to the life of your marriage. Conflict is unavoidable and the steps taken to recover from a conflict are imperative (Gottman & Schwartz Gottman, 2007).

Tackling Perpetual Problems

Every couple has a few arguments that occur on repeat. Whether they are about chores, money, sex, or child rearing, these arguments arise on a regular schedule. When you find yourself in continual gridlock over issues, the Gottmans suggest starting by identifying your “dream within the conflict.” The dream within the conflict is the need or wish that is behind your stance in the argument. For example, a couple may continually bicker about finances. Within this argument, one partner may be trying to express their dream of financial freedom after a lifetime of stress around money. The other partner may dream of financial stability after watching their parents struggle with debt for numerous years. Identifying and verbalizing these “dreams” can bring clarity to why the argument continually arises and can lead to more productive conversations. After identifying the “dreams,” the Gottmans direct couples towards exploring where in this area of their marriage they can be flexible or inflexible (Gottman & Schwartz Gottman, 2007). You may want to ask yourself: How can I support my partner’s dreams by being flexible?

These steps can be used a guideline for navigating the many conflicts you face as a couple both before and after the arrival of your baby. It can be easy to get caught up in the belief that having all the latest baby gear, organic diapers, and the newest sleep techniques will lead to a happy and healthy baby. In reality, the greatest gift you can give your tiny baby is the safety and security that comes from being raised in a home with a healthy marriage. If any of the information presented in these articles resonates with you, I would suggest picking up a copy of And Baby Makes Three. In addition to the subjects discussed in this review, the book also covers topics such as Savoring Your Friendship, Maintaining Your Sex Life, Warm Fathering, and Addressing Legacy.

Christian Counseling for Relationship Transitions

If you and your partner are encountering more conflict than you know how to handle after the arrival of your baby, it may be time to reach out for some extra support. In my years working with families and couples as a Christian counselor, I have noticed that some of the biggest challenges arise during times of transition. Whether it’s a marriage, divorce, big move, or new baby, a change in the family system can bring unwanted tension and struggle. A Christian counselor can be a wonderful resource during this time as you work to create a new normal and develop resiliency as a family unit.