Relationship Transitions: Bringing Home Baby

Part 1 of a 2-Part Bringing Home Baby Series

*Book Review: And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman PH.D. & Julie Schwartz Gottman, PH.D.

I have always had a lot of respect for the work being done by the Gottmans. I have used their material both personally and professionally in order to enhance communication, understand needs, and strengthen marriages. So naturally, when my husband and I found out we were pregnant with our first child, I picked up a copy of And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman. As a counselor and expecting mom, I devoured the book. And I thought it would be helpful to highlight some of the most important factors it proposes for maintaining marital intimacy through establishing healthy communication in the midst of added stress and responsibility.

You Are Not Alone

The Gottmans open their book by stating: You are not alone. You are not alone in the struggle to adjust your marriage to the demands of a new baby. Just like with any relationship transition, bringing a new member into the family involves added stress, increased emotions, and a fair amount of work. We can either roll with these changes and flex where needed or resist the necessary adjustment by assuming that our old patterns will continue to work. Ask any other new parent and they will be able to empathize with your struggles and frustrations. The joys, challenges, and emotions of becoming a new parent are something everyone goes through when they have a baby. Whether having a cozy moment with your baby, feeling furious at the lack of support from your spouse, or simply exhausted… you are in good company.

Finding Healthy Ways to Manage Conflict

A large portion of the book focuses on how to approach, navigate, and resolve conflict within your marriage. You may wonder why a book about becoming parents has such a big emphasis on marital conflict, but when you consider the amount of stress and pressure your new bundle of joy can add to the couple dynamic, it makes complete sense. In order to navigate the waters of early parenting, you need a strong team, which means a strong marriage. And a strong marriage doesn’t avoid all conflict. Instead, it uses awareness and the tools developed during conflict in order to strengthen the marriage rather than destroy it.

The following is a summary of how the Gottmans suggest approaching the inevitable conflict that will arise during these times.

• Soft vs Harsh Start-Ups

When you sense conflict, ask yourself how you are approaching your partner with any issues or concerns? Do you come at them with name calling and accusations? Or are you able to calmly present your feelings and concerns so that your partner can focus on the message, rather than the messenger. The Gottmans highlight the importance of how a conversation is brought up and how “harsh start-ups” can lead quickly to conflict and miscommunication (Gottman & Schwartz Gottman, 2007).

• Acknowledge the Influence of Your Partner

It can be natural to take a defensive stance in an argument and to focus mainly on proving our own point. But this usually keeps us from listening to what the other person is saying. The Gottmans point out that you will be unable to convince your partner of your point unless they feel completely heard and understood by you. It can do a great deal of good to simply set aside your need to persuade and instead to spend a few extra minutes listening and reflecting.

• Calm Down Using Self-Soothing

A large portion of the Gottmans’ research has been around couples’ physiological response to conflict. Increased blood pressure during conflict has been shown to be a predictor of long-term marital conflict and a deteriorating relationship (Gottman & Schwartz Gottman, 2007). Through a personal awareness of your physiological response to conflict, you can catch yourself before things get out of hand. If you catch yourself escalating, take a quick break from the conflict to breathe and self-sooth. The Gottmans suggest letting your partner know that you need a break and for how long. Being able to take a break or to self-sooth with truthful statements can be the turning point in a conflict, taking it from an emotional fist fight to a productive conversation. I love how the Gottmans explain: “We do not have the corner on all the positive human traits, nor does our partner have the corner on all the negative human traits. Our partner can figure out what they’re responsible for in this conflict, we don’t need to do that for them” (p. 86, 2007). Focusing on our own needs, or the positive qualities of our partner can have a soothing effect on our escalating emotions.

Christian Counseling for Relationship Transitions

In my following article, I will continue to discuss the Gottmans suggestions for managing relationship transitions. However, if you have just brought home a new baby, or are experiencing other relationship transitions, Christian counseling can provide a safe and supportive space that can help you to process the challenges of your new situation.