Telling Secrets

Book Review of Telling Secrets, by Frederick Buechner

Secrets Drain Energy

Secrets are our plates of armor. Secrets require from us a tremendous amount of energy. Secrets insist that we focus on one area – or a couple areas – to protect, literally, with our lives. The point is, while we are focusing on not letting those things be known, we are missing out on so much. Secrets rob us of life.

I remember in graduate school an analogy of pushing an inflatable beach ball under the water, only to see it pop right back up. The only way to keep the ball under water is to stay in that place and hold it under, which requires quite a bit of effort on our part. That is what keeping a secret feels like. And the energy it takes to suppress those secrets takes its toll on us throughout the years.

Families Keep Secrets

Families have secrets. And often it takes people long into adulthood to name the secrets they have been keeping in order to protect an image that they do not even believe in anymore. For example, in a church-going family where abuse and drunkenness were a daily part of like, an adult child may still carry a responsibility to protect the image of “perfect family.” Even though as an adult, memories have surfaced and their relationships with parents and siblings are dysfunctional and disconnected, this adult child still harbors secrets by not telling the story as it really happened -whether to self or trusted others. As we tell our stories, we tell our secrets.

“I can never be happy or content, because my mom was never satisfied.” This is an example of an unspoken belief we could carry with us to our graves, all the while hindering our life and relationship functioning. If we can tell our story and let others into the reality of our lives and reveal the style of relating we learned out of self-protection and dysfunction, we can shed core false beliefs and discover a way to be happy and healthy and satisfied -as much as we can be this side of heaven. We were created for so much more than our secrets.

Freedom Comes from Truth

In his book Telling Secrets, Frederick Buechner says, “We have a kind of sacred commission to be happy – in the sense of being free to breathe and move, in the sense of being able to bless our own lives, even the sad times of our own lives, because through all our times we can learn and grow, and through all our times, if we keep our ears open, God speaks to us…” Freedom is ours, if we will have the courage to tell our stories – our truth.

“It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are – even if we tell it only to ourselves – because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing.”

Christian Counseling Can Help You Reveal Your Truth

If you are struggling to tell yourself – and others – the truth, consider processing within the safety of a counseling office. You can gain insight and understanding and see how courageous you really are to tell the truth of your life, which will lead you to make desired changes. If you find yourself longing to know, to be known, within community – if you are carrying an unbearable secret or burden and need help to tell your secrets – please consider calling a Christian counselor today. We were not made for fear and isolation but for love and connection.