The Benefits and Drawbacks of a Trial Separation

The story of a relationship can be a complex one, taking a winding route that may be unexpected as well as unpredictable. A marriage, for example, can go through ups and downs, and a couple can try to make use of various tools to help nurture and strengthen their relationship. Some couples turn to and make use of a trial separation as a way to work on and reevaluate their relationship.

During a relationship breakdown, a trial separation can seem like a good idea for a couple. It is important for couples considering a trial separation to weigh the various benefits and drawbacks of making such a move so that they can accomplish their goals. A trial separation may be just what the couple needs to help save their marriage, but it requires wisdom and intentionality to be leveraged effectively.

Understanding How Trial Separations Work

A trial separation, at the heart of it, is when a couple decides to be apart from one another. Unlike a legal separation, a trial separation doesn’t involve any lawyers, judges, or formally binding legal agreements. The couple can discuss between themselves and agree to take some time apart and to work out the details of what that means. This includes the couple setting the goals for the trial separation.

When a couple decides to have a trial separation, it’s often because the relationship has become mired in ongoing conflict or issues that are overwhelming them. They may be undecided about whether they should stay together or get a divorce, and a trial separation can function as a way of creating space to make that and other important decisions that will affect the couple going forward.

One important question that a couple can bring up as they deliberate on a trial separation is whether a trial separation works. That is a complicated question, but it all depends on what the couple’s goals are. If a couple enters a trial separation without clearly communicating not only their intentions for the separation but also its duration and parameters, the trial separation will likely end up further frustrating the couple.

For every couple, a trial separation “works” if they are clear with each other about why they are separating, and what they intend the separation to accomplish. The couple can use the time to better understand their feelings, see more clearly their role in the issues plaguing the relationship, or seek help with issues such as substance abuse. It is also valuable for the separation to have a clear end date at which the couple will make firm decisions.

A trial separation doesn’t necessarily mean that a couple is living in two separate locations. Whether living in the same home or two homes, a couple can negotiate how a trial separation will work by setting clear boundaries for how they will interact with one another during that time.

All in all, a trial separation is a way for a couple to intentionally create space, whether it’s for a few days or a few months, to work intentionally on the various issues that are affecting their marriage and to gain clarity about the relationship and their feelings about it.

The Benefits and Drawbacks of a Trial Separation

When a couple decides to intentionally take some time apart with clear boundaries and stated goals, several benefits can be gleaned from the process. Some of these benefits include the following:

Little to no financial cost For one thing, a trial separation doesn’t necessarily involve costs to the couple, unlike a legal separation that requires the intervention of lawyers and so on. The costs incurred might be related to living apart, but not every trial separation involves living in two separate spaces.

Clarity and perspective Giving yourself room to step back from the immediacy of a situation can provide you with the clarity and perspective you need. When you’re in the thick of it, it’s easy for anger or sheer exhaustion to cloud your judgment and prevent you from seeing yourself, your spouse, or the situation accurately. Time apart can provide you with room to be more objective.

Selfunderstanding When you’re in a relationship, it can affect how you perceive yourself as an individual. You can begin to attenuate yourself, your tastes, values, and much else to accommodate your spouse, and rightly so, as marriage requires healthy compromise and give-and-take. Time apart, however, might allow you to rediscover yourself, your wants, and your needs.

Developing an appreciation for your life A trial separation may mean taking some time out from the things that drive you crazy about your spouse. However, it also means taking time away from experiencing their positive qualities too, and time away from one another may cultivate a healthier appreciation of one another and of your marriage, despite your problems.

Time to do some work Apart from the clarity, perspective, and honest evaluation of the relationship that time apart can provide, a trial separation can also provide a couple with time to work on themselves and the relationship. If one spouse has an issue with substance abuse, or if there are issues with abandonment or trauma that affect the relationship, the separation can provide time and space to address that.

There are some drawbacks to doing a trial separation. Unless both parties agree on what the separation is for, the goals they’re aiming to fulfill, and they are both committed to doing the work necessary to gain clarity and perspective, the trial separation might end up functioning simply as a runway toward divorce. The underlying issues may remain unaddressed and may even deepen.

Further, unless the couple agrees on clear boundaries, the separation can result in friction, and it might even introduce new problems. For instance, not being clear about what intimacy is appropriate may result in one spouse mistakenly assuming that things are okay because they’ve been sexually intimate. A lack of boundaries may also result in dating other people while separated, which introduces new problems to address.

A productive trial separation thus requires the couple to communicate clearly with one another at a time when they may be struggling with communication. Without being intentional, the trial separation may end up simply being a precursor to a deepening rift between the spouses, so it’s good to seek guidance and understand what a trial separation entails before going forward with it.

Things to Consider Before a Trial Separation

Be clear upfront about your expectations, intentions, and the parameters of the break Set a clear end date for the trial and be sure that you’re on the same page about why you’re doing this. Be open and honest with yourselves about the possibility that the process could end in either reconciliation or legal separation and divorce.

Set clear boundariesfor how you’ll interact, such as when you can come by the house, whether and how often you’ll call each other, what forms of intimacy are appropriate between you, who the kids will stay with, and how you’ll discharge your financial and other obligations to each other. You can also set clear boundaries about intimate relationships with other people during the separation.

Be intentional about the separation This means making the most of the separation and doing what you said you’d do. If you’re supposed to go to rehab, then go. If you agreed to go to therapy together during the separation, then be consistent in attending sessions and doing the work your counselor sets for you. If you need space to recharge and reconnect with yourself, then do so.

Be clear but age-appropriate in sharing with the kids When children are involved, it’s good to walk with them to help them understand what is going on and what changes they can expect. Don’t raise their hopes about what the process will accomplish, and it’s also important to be age-appropriate in what you share with them about the details and reasons behind the separation.

Make use of a couple’s or marriage counselor qualified and trained counselor can help you better understand your situation, helping you gain perspective on the issues affecting your marriage. Your counselor can also help you develop skills in resolving the problems that led you toward separation.

Making The Most of a Trial Separation with Couples Counseling

In any relationship, communication is key. It is especially important when a couple is having problems and contemplating a trial separation. A couple will need to talk openly about why one or both feel like separation is needed and what they hope to accomplish from it.

A couple may decide that a trial separation is necessary for them to work through the issues affecting them and their relationship. A trial separation can provide the space a couple needs to reassess their commitment to one another. Couples counseling can be beneficial for couples eager to learn how to identify and address their needs and concerns.

A trial separation can, if its goals and boundaries are clearly outlined, help a couple continue growing and learning how to be better partners in their marriage. Contact our office if you would like to meet with a faith-based counselor to walk you through these decisions.