Coping Skills for Anger Patterns in Multiple Generations

English philosopher and scientist Francis Bacon pioneered the scientific methods of observation and experimentation that we still use today. He also wisely said, “A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green.”

In other words, if you are intent on looking at others’ anger issues before looking at your own, you’ll just be perpetuating your need for healing. Before we consider coping skills for anger across generations, we first must examine how we handle our own emotions.

The reason you may be able to trace patterns of mismanaged emotions back to your father and his father (or mother and her mother) is that our home life, or as scientists refer to it, the “nurture” part of nurture vs. nature, has a profound impact on what we learn.

Even if we aren’t taught how to deal with our emotions, we’re taught how to deal with them.

Think about it: If your father never spoke words of value and love to you, you may tend to struggle sharing spoken words of value to those you’re most fond of, too. Or suppose you had a mother who left the house every time a conflict arose. In that case, you might also be tempted to leave the room or hide away with a book when you sense chaos, argumentativeness, or negative emotions like frustration and anger.

To develop helpful coping skills for addressing anger patterns across multiple generations, starting with your own self-reflection is key. Once you’ve recognized how you handle anger, you can look backward and forward – ideally helping future generations by setting a new paradigm of emotional health.

Six Anger Patterns We May Recognize in Ourselves

The misguided belief that all anger is bad If you’ve grown up in a household with explosive anger or even abuse, you may shy away from any conflict or rising feelings of anger, believing all anger to be bad. But anger is designed to alert us. Almost like a roar alerts a lion’s prey to the forthcoming attack, anger alerts us to something that is outside the acceptable norm.

In the Bible, we see that Jesus was angry when a house of worship was turned into a place used for consumption and greed. (Matthew 21:12-17) Other reasons for anger might be that someone is hurt physically (such as stubbing a toe) or emotionally (which can easily stem from disappointment). Anger itself isn’t the issue; it’s often how we handle the anger that gets us into trouble.

The anger pattern of ignorance Why would a person ignore how they feel? See number one. While you and I may agree that anger isn’t wrong in and of itself, some people may feel weak or afraid of their anger, so they push it down or ignore it.

If your friend or family member comes from an abusive home, they may fear their own response to anger. It’s easier to ignore how they feel rather than find a healthy way to cope with the feeling.

Turning anger inward, particularly in introverts It’s not necessarily an unhealthy pattern if the introvert can turn that anger into something productive, such as emotional awareness, journaling, or recognizing a need to discuss it further with a mental health expert. But turning anger inward can be unhealthy if it leads you to suppress your anger, engage in self-harm practices, or suicidal ideation.

If any of these unhelpful and damaging practices sound familiar, please contact a licensed therapy practice. Our offices are here to help. If you feel you’re in danger of hurting yourself or others, please let someone know or go to your nearest emergency room.

Abusive language Whether the language is abusive in tone, severity, or simply the word choice, humans of all ages deserve to be spoken to with respect. Hearing words that don’t reflect that level of respect is a problem.

It’s not a problem that can’t be overcome. Unfortunately, these communication patterns are learned, so one parent may teach them to their children without even realizing it. That child grows up, has his own children, and the cycle continues.

Much like cyclical poverty, communication poverty – speaking unkind or untrue words to each other – requires a variety of solutions, from various angles, to overcome. But with the right tools, support, and practice, you can learn new skills.

Raising your voice quickly and easily If you find yourself yelling abruptly any time you’re in conflict or you sense an issue that’s different from your expectations, you may need some help with coping skills for anger. It’s easy to do, too, particularly if you’re in a stressful season like going through a divorce, job loss, or moving.

You might not necessarily have “inherited” this pattern from your parents or grandparents, but being quick to yell is a learned behavior that you’ll likely see in those around you if it isn’t unlearned. The good news is that coping techniques bring a welcome balm instead of raising your voice whenever you feel frustrated or plans don’t go as you expected them to.

Physical expression is a go-to when you’re mad If your anger leads to punching a wall, hitting another person, or destroying something – even ripping up a piece of paper or smashing a glass – it can be telling.

Your physical expression of anger may be a mask for some deep-down patterns that may be overlooked when you’re not at the brink. Consider this: You’ve probably been frustrated, irritable, opinionated, or disappointed many times. What is it that leads to your anger rising to the level of physical outbursts?

It may be that the deeper issue is something a mental health counselor can help you uncover and, most importantly, gain healing from. If you’d like a compassionate coach to guide you through the reasons for your anger and learn coping skills for anger patterns at the same time, our offices are filled with qualified, licensed professionals. We’re happy to match you with the right person in your area.

Three Coping Skills for Anger Patterns in Multiple Generations

Are you looking for ways to cope with your anger as you’re seeking healing from the roots of it? Here are some actionable ideas you can start applying today that will impact not only your life but also the lives of generations to come.

Avoid talking about irritations, disappointments, and frustrations with people who tend to stir up your anger

We all have that friend or close family member – maybe even a co-worker you see every day – who tends to encourage us in our feelings, especially when they’re negative. They may not intend to, but their confirmation of our feelings goes beyond understanding. It usually veers into a lane that says, “I hear you, I agree, and I cannot believe they did that or said that. Here’s why I’d be mad, too.”

In times of frustration, we often want to vent. A recommendation is to choose a friend who is known for her quickness to listen and slowness to speak. The Bible reminds us to “be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19 ESV).

There is a foundational reason that these three ideas are connected: a person who is quick to listen and slow to speak is usually wise, thoughtful, and carefully reviews information, processing it internally and weighing out their words before commenting. A person who is wise and withholds quick words is also often slow to anger. They don’t let circumstances cause them to lose their cool as easily as others.

If you don’t have a friend in your life like this, pull out your phone and record a voice memo to vent your frustrations. The act of talking about it is what we need in the moment, not necessarily the comments from others. Yes, validation is important, but if your go-to is a friend who stirs up strife, it’s not going to help you manage your anger.

Find your fuel and deposit currency regularly

Anger is often fueled by a lack of something else; it might be a lack of feeling understood, a lack of rest, not getting enough support from friends or family, or feeling unheard and undervalued at work. Essentially, what you need is healthy fuel. It is healthy to want encouragement, to need rest, to desire appreciation and feedback from others in various contexts. What’s not healthy is using anger to get it.

If you begin to recognize what you need most on a regular basis, you can ask for it. If you need more support at home, schedule a family meeting where you can ask family members to share regularly the good things they see you and each other doing. Share that you could use some extra help around the house, and ask for specific ways they can chip in. At the same time, let it be a forum for them to voice their needs as well.

If you need rest, make time every day to spend thirty minutes to an hour doing something that feels restful. Take a walk with your dog, read a book, or listen to music. Connecting our senses to our rest format is an avenue of rest we don’t often explore, but it’s much more restorative than we realize.

Think about what you listen to, look at, touch, and taste, and how you move your physical body. These all go into rest if you incorporate rhythms of silence, exercise, nature, or other life-giving activities.

When you feel stressed, frustrated, or disappointed, develop a mental tagline or a physical response that you can integrate into a habit

You might say to yourself, “I’m upset, but this will be okay” every time you notice frustration or disappointment, and that saves you from the angry outburst you might have had before. Another friend adds the words “for now” to the end of a sentence. She might say, “My life is so hard (for now).” It helps her remember that the challenges she faces aren’t going to last forever. These are mental taglines that can protect you from angry outbursts.

Or you might find a rock, a carved cross, or a soft piece of fabric – something you can carry with you anywhere – that’s accessible for you to hold. In times of frustration or irritation, reach out and hold the object to remind you there’s a place of peace accessible to you, and anger isn’t the only way to respond to the situation.

If you’d like more resources, we have counselors who can help you find additional coping skills for anger. Contact our offices today to learn more.