Coping Skills for Effective Anger Management

Anger can get a bad rap in many ways, but it is a necessary emotion, like sadness, fear, and joy. You should not try to avoid anger but explore the “why” behind it. This can be difficult to do in a heated moment, but when you take the time to notice that you are feeling angry, you can explore the reasons for your anger. Anger management skills are not just about eliminating an unpleasant emotion but also about understanding it.

Anger often reveals itself in the body before the brain: an elevated heart rate or fast breathing, feeling hot and flushed, and clenched muscles in your face and hands. Pay attention to what is happening in your body and process that first. When anger triggers your fight or flight reaction it is unlikely that you will be able to handle the situation well.

Let’s take some cues from the following Scripture passage about anger. Paul writes to the Ephesians about changing old habits for new ones. About putting the good of others over the needs of ourselves. He says:

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you. – Ephesians 4:25-32, NIV

First rule of anger management: don’t let the sun go down on your anger

Your anger is telling you something, and you need to listen to it. Don’t shove it down or pretend it doesn’t exist. That leads to resentment and bitterness, true footholds for the devil. You may not be able to resolve the situation, but you cannot let it stew and simmer. Unresolved anger is far worse for you and for others.

Your anger could be the result of stress, anxiety, hunger, or exhaustion. It could be the result of real or perceived injustices. Whatever the cause, you are the only person who can work through the anger to determine if your anger has a simple solution or a more complex one. Lashing out at the people around you is not the solution, and they can’t help you find a solution if you do not understand yourself.

So, how is this concept an anger management skill? It allows you to deal with your anger and a deadline. This does not mean you should fixate on fixing the situation before a literal sunset. It means that you should not hold onto to anger. You cope with your anger by facing it, not hiding from it.

Second rule of anger management: do something useful with your hands

Like a pressure cooker, anger needs to be released from your body. If you don’t control the release, it will often release itself with more devastating results. When you are angry your body is flooded with adrenaline and cortisol, the stress hormones.

While these are useful in a life-threatening situation, they are not helpful in interactions that require more rational behavior. And if these hormones accumulate in your system, it places increased strain on your physical and mental health. Finding something to do with your hands and your body can relieve that strain. Some ideas include:

Exercise

Use that increased heart rate to your advantage. Take a run or a brisk walk, which has the added benefit of separating you from the immediate situation. Go to the gym and sweat those hormones out of your body. Stretching and more meditative exercises can release tensed-up muscles.

Deep cleaning

Rage is an effective way to clean things that require more elbow grease. Scrub the dirty oven, vacuum the corners, take the car to the wash, and detail it yourself. Keeping your hands busy and your mind distracted allows you to process your anger without taking it out on people. Plus, you can get a challenging or unpleasant task out of the way.

Yard work

Pull weeds, chop wood, dig up a new flower bed. Being outside and feeling the dirt and grass gives your body different sensations from just sitting and stewing.

Journal

Rather than spewing words, write them out. Or pursue other artistic releases for your anger. Painting, building, and general tinkering on a project is good for your hands while your brain processes your anger.

Third rule of anger management: be kind and compassionate

Everyone gets angry, some loud and explosive, others quiet and seething. Only you know how to cope with your anger, so be compassionate to yourself and others, and let them know what you need. Those who love you want to help, so let them know how.

Do you need them to listen while you complain? Would you like them to offer solutions? Can they take something off your plate so you can process your anger? Don’t leave your loved ones guessing about how to help you.

Self-compassion is recognizing your own limitations. You need sleep, food, water, and personal space. You are not a machine that goes on without breaking down. Your anger can be a cue to take a break. It could be short or long, but taking a break from whatever is making you angry helps you handle it more effectively.

Fourth rule of anger management: speak the truth when it is helpful

Anger lowers our inhibitions and socially trained niceties. It becomes incredibly tempting to say things that may be true in a demeaning or cruel way when we are angry. Even if the thing that has made you angry is true, you are not likely to be heard if you speak it in anger.

This is why it is essential to work through your anger and determine the right time to speak up. Start by coping with your feelings of anger, and then deal with the trigger that made you angry. When you can find a way to speak the truth in a calm and helpful way, do so, just not in a moment of intense anger.

The ultimate rule: forgiveness

People make mistakes. People are intentionally cruel. We feel angry when we feel hurt or threatened by the many inherently selfish things people do: drivers who don’t pay attention on the road, co-workers who don’t pull their weight, children and spouses who fill our lives with multiple daily interactions that wear down our patience.

Part of coping with anger is realizing that we all need to forgive and be forgiven in turn. Become a person who acknowledges that your anger has caused you to hurt others. Take comfort from the words in Ephesians, “Forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” You are loved by God even in your anger because you are learning to be angry but not sin. This is a process that takes time, self-awareness, and practice.

Coping skills with a counselor

Talking to a counselor is an excellent way to build self-awareness. A counselor can provide objectivity in a way that friends and family cannot, giving you the space to explore your anger in a safe, compassionate, and forgiving way. If you find yourself in need of help working through anger, you can schedule an appointment to begin your journey of self-awareness in coping with your anger. Call our office today.