3 Therapeutic Tips for Parents: Setting Limits

This article is Part 2 in a 3-part series on Therapeutic Tips for Parents. 

Children often behave badly, argue, or fight when they are unable to express their negative emotions with words. They will simply lash out, scream, or throw the dreaded tantrum, trying to communicate “I’m angry” when it would be nice if they could just say “This is what’s bothering me in the first place.”

Parents can find themselves at a loss when a simple request is met with such backlash. Picture it: You’re making dinner and you hear your kiddos in the next room screaming at one another, when you’ve told them time and again to “get along!”

You may blame them for these downfalls. You may think, “I tell them what to do!”  But you might not see how your communication is not clear, or how the acceptable behaviors you wish to see are communicated inconsistently or not all. The good news is that changing how you communicate can be done at any time.

In Part One of this series, I covered reflective listening as an important tool to helping your children feel heard, understood, become emotionally aware, and encourage compliance with expectations. This next part will focus specifically on how to set limits with your child in a therapeutic way.

Therapeutic Tips for Parents

The standards I uphold as a therapist are many, but a few important ones are unconditional positive regard, belief in the client’s potential to change within themselves, and empathy.

Applying unconditional positive regard to your interactions with your child will involve seeking to view your child’s positive and negative experience without judging them or conveying a sense that they are wrong or bad for these experiences. This results in a feeling of safety for the child that he or she can share his or her experiences without fear of being judged.

Remembering your child has the potential to change and grow already in them will free you of the pressure to “make them understand or learn” and will encourage a partnership with them. It will give them the feeling that you believe they can do something even though it is hard or difficult.

When you empathize with your children, you place value on their feelings and experiences and also honor your individual selves. It makes them feel seen.

How to Set Limits for Your Children

These are the standards that guide the following model for setting limits around your child’s behaviors. The model comes from Garry Landreth’s teaching on setting limits in child-centered play therapy. It is called the ACT model of limit setting and involves three basic parts: Acknowledge your child’s feelings, Communicate the limit, and Target the alternatives.

Step one: Acknowledge your child’s feelings

This utilizes the reflective language we already covered. You are reflecting to your child what you believe they might be thinking, intending, or feeling in that moment. Try to attune to your child’s feelings by looking at their facial expressions and body language, or by listening to their words. When you acknowledge that you hear and understand how they feel, they feel understood. By doing so, you have connected their feelings with the behavior, which is an important step.

Example: “I know you are feeling very angry with me right now. So angry you want to hit me.”

Step two: Communicate the limit

The limit is the boundary your children may not cross with their behavior. It is not saying they don’t have a right to be upset or angry. It’s saying they cannot behave hurtfully, destructively, or disrespectfully when they feel angry.

“… But I am not for hitting.”

Step Three: Target Alternatives

If you are saying the above harmful behavior is not okay, then you need to communicate what is acceptable. The impulse or desire to lash out is not what is wrong, but it needs to be expressed in a safe and responsible way.

“You can choose to hit your pillow or you can choose to hit a bean bag.”

Setting limits is more than just giving your child choices, although choices are a part of this model. Acknowledging that your child has a choice in his or her behavior is helpful for both parent and child. It teaches at an early age the difference between impulse and behavior. It empowers when they learn to be in control of their behaviors.

For the parent, it removes the burden of control and dependency. You may feel that everything hinges on your ability to make your children behave, but it doesn’t. When you use this model, you are saying, “I believe you have the potential to understand, learn, and change your behaviors when I patiently and consistently teach you what the expectations are and follow through with appropriate boundaries and consequences.”

With this model is an additional Step 4, which involves consequences. When a child has chosen to hit you, despite you acknowledging their feeling, communicating the limit, and targeting appropriate alternatives, then you can communicate consequences this way:

“When you chose to hit me, you chose to lose 15 minutes of TV time today.”

While you may feel scripted and awkward at first, over time the language will become second nature and serve to provide a consistent expectation for your children.

I have used this model daily in my work with children and it has been an amazing tool. Its structure and consistency provides the footing children need to face difficult emotions and practice the behaviors we know will serve them well as they learn and grow.