Toxic Habits to Avoid that Can Damage Your Relationship

The classic metaphor of the frog in the kettle is meant to remind us of the reality that we can become used to things we probably shouldn’t get used to. As the metaphor goes, if you throw a frog into boiling water, its immediate reaction is to jump out. However, if you put the frog in a cold kettle and slowly bring it to a boil, the frog won’t respond in time and will be boiled to death. We can become accustomed to something detrimental to our well-being.

In relationships, some habits and behaviors are detrimental to the health of the relationship and the well-being of the participants. These patterns and behaviors can enter the relationship in subtle ways over time, becoming the norm. In whatever way unhealthy patterns enter a relationship, they can damage your relationship and affect your well-being.

Some Damaging and Toxic Habits

If something is toxic, it usually means it doesn’t readily support life and flourishing. In a relationship, toxic habits are those habits that are damaging, harmful, or abusive. They affect the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being of one or both people in the relationship.

Some of these damaging and toxic habits to look out for include the following:

An Imbalanced Power Dynamic A relationship is supposed to be a place where two people create space for one another, and they don’t try to take advantage of each other. A toxic dynamic may involve habits like controlling or manipulating the actions, decisions, or emotions of the other partner. Using guilt and self-pity to manipulate may also feature.

Closely related is the toxic habit of gaslighting, which is when one partner tries to distort reality and make their partner question their sanity or their perception of reality.

Unhealthy Communication Words can and ought to be used to encourage and build one another up, instead of tearing them down (Ephesians 4:29). In toxic situations, communicating often takes the form of constant criticism, mocking, or belittling one another. Instead of owning up to mistakes, partners are dismissive, hostile, or defensive when confronted or asked to address legitimate concerns.

Another unhealthy communication habit is stonewalling, where instead of being open and responding, one shuts down, gives the cold shoulder, and retreats into the silent treatment.

Poor Emotional Intelligence Emotional intelligence is a person’s ability to recognize and manage their own emotions, as well as being able to discern and respond appropriately to the emotions of others. In toxic situations, being emotionally unavailable may be the order of the day, and that means being unsupportive, unresponsive, or lacking empathy for others.

Poor emotional intelligence may also include the unwillingness to work through conflict, which often leads to a buildup of resentment toward one another. When emotional intelligence isn’t prevalent, it can result in disregard for one another’s limits and boundaries.

Neglect and Abuse In toxic relationships, the space doesn’t feel safe. There may be emotional, verbal, or physical abuse present. The intimidation, physical harm, or humiliation one or both partners experience can be deeply damaging. Toxic couples also experience neglect of one another’s emotional, physical, social, and spiritual needs.

In toxic situations, these habits and others are the pattern that best describes the relationship, whether in part or as a whole. There may also be other patterns of dysfunction, such as the couple becoming overly dependent on each other to the extent that they lose their individual identities or mutually enable their unhealthy behaviors.

These damaging and toxic habits affect the couple in profound ways, and they undermine well-being. Relationships are meant to be places of safety, growth, accountability, care, understanding, and love. These toxic patterns and habits work against that.

How Couples Become Toxic

How does a couple become toxic? Do the toxic behaviors begin after the couple meets, or are the seeds for the toxic behaviors already present long before? Every couple’s story is unique. A given relationship can become toxic over time due to a combination of experiences and factors. In other cases, the toxic habits are already present from the beginning, and they get worse with time.

In some relationships, early red flags can be discerned. These include unresolved emotional baggage, trauma, or unhealthy patterns learned in previous relationships. A couple may also be drawn to one another for unhealthy reasons, including the need for validation or being fascinated and drawn toward drama.

In other instances, toxic patterns develop gradually, escalating over time until they create a toxic environment. Unaddressed and uncommunicated conflicts and resentments can quietly undermine the foundation of the relationship until they become serious issues. External stressors like financial and health issues can put pressure on a couple, and if they have inadequate coping mechanisms, result in toxic interactions.

Relationships can have moments that are turning points or triggers that change everything. A couple might be able to pinpoint major life changes like moving, job changes, having children, experiencing a crisis, or a traumatic event as the point where things changed. Those moments may have stripped a couple of their support structures, or they may have created tension and stress that the couple couldn’t cope with in healthy ways.

Couples may exhibit toxic behaviors and patterns for any number of reasons. Even a healthy couple can find themselves engaging in toxic behaviors for a season in their relationship. The good news is that just as a couple can slip into toxic habits and patterns, it’s possible to take on healthy habits and break the cycle of unhealthy behaviors.

Moving Toward Healthy Relationships: Breaking The Cycle of Toxicity

Just because a relationship started out with certain toxic patterns embedded in it, or just because those patterns developed at some point in the relationship doesn’t mean that’s the only course open to the relationship. Change can happen, transforming the couple and their relationship. For one thing, the good news of Jesus and the Kingdom of God can transform hearts and lives, renewing relationships.

For a couple to move toward a healthier relationship and to break the cycle of toxicity, recognizing and acknowledging toxic patterns in the relationship is a must. The couple needs to see that the toxic behavior isn’t healthy and damages both them and their relationship. It takes a solid dose of self-reflection and open and honest conversations to face the true shape of the relationship and the need for change.

For couples that are caught up in toxic patterns, and for couples that want to maintain healthy ways of relating to one another, there are habits they can consciously adopt for the sake of their relationship.

Some of the healthy habits that can begin to change an unhealthy dynamic in a relationship, nurturing a loving and supportive relationship, include the following:

Communication Habits Having regular check-ins to talk about each other’s needs and concerns, being attentive and empathetic listeners, and encouraging honest, open, and respectful communication can begin to turn the tide as the couple learns to avoid misunderstandings and develop a better understanding of one another.

Conflict Resolution Habits Alongside better communication habits, a couple also needs good conflict resolution and problem-solving habits. It’s important to address and resolve conflicts early to avoid resentment. The couple can also grow by focusing on the issue and not the personalities. This helps with not launching personal attacks, and it makes it easier to find common ground and mutually beneficial solutions.

Intimacy and Connection Habits To nurture their relationship, a couple needs to carve out time for each other. Regular date nights where the couple engages in shared interests can help them deepen their connection and have positive shared experiences and memories. When a couple has fun together, it makes their interactions more enjoyable, and the relationship has a greater chance of flourishing.

Emotional Intelligence Habits It can take time and practice, but it’s possible to learn to identify and manage your own emotions. When you can do this, and if you can recognize, acknowledge, and validate your partner’s emotions, such empathy can make a huge difference in a relationship. Additionally, learning how to manage your own emotions can help you prevent being reactive or escalating situations unnecessarily.

Financial and practical habits Finances are a huge sticking point in many relationships, and many relationship conflicts are about money. Taking on habits such as financial transparency, where you openly communicate financial responsibilities and decisions, can make a difference. An equitable division of labor in the home, which includes parenting and maintaining your household, can nurture better teamwork and reduce your stress levels.

Personal growth habits In a relationship, you both should commit to personal growth. This includes things such as self-care, nurturing growth through self-reflection and learning, and inviting accountability to accomplish particular goals. A couple can incorporate counseling into their personal growth to address concerns that affect their well-being.

Next Steps to Overcome Toxic Habits in a Relationship

A couple with toxic habits isn’t doomed to perpetuate the cycles of hurt. Things can be turned around, but the couple needs to put in the work to undo old and unhealthy habits, substituting healthy habits that can uproot the toxic dynamic. A couple can also seek help from a counselor to identify the main areas of concern in their relationship. Your counselor can help you to develop an effective plan to turn things around and strengthen your bond.