What Comes After “I’m Sorry”? A Christian Counselor on Healing an Interrupted Relationship

After we have been hurt by a person close to us, we know that we are distanced from the other person. We justifiably expect a move to close the emotional space between us. According to our activated sense of justice, the offense, or hurt that we have suffered needs some recognition — and repair — by the other.

Taking Responsibility for What You Have Done

How is it, then, that an apology may not repair the interruption in the relationship, but can even deepen the hurt? Perhaps because the apology was trite and insincere, as in “Sorry ’bout that … can we forget about it now?” Or, “Well, if you knew the pressure that I was under, you would understand why I did that…” Both comments are minimizing and evasive, and leave the hurt person feeling devalued — and perhaps angrier. Vague apologies (“If that hurt you, I am sorry”) and transactional statements (“Nothing will go forward until I apologize, so…”) are inadequate ways for dealing with hurt in a relationship. They are also unable to help the relationship grow stronger from the repair.

The hardest part of an apology may be the words that need to be heard. Indeed, just speaking that statement to one’s partner can take all the courage one has. But harder still, and much more meaningful, is to listen carefully after making the apology. The sorrow and contrition of heart that prompted the apology not only involves an awareness of the wrongness of the wounding action but should also make one aware of the need to deeply understand the damage done to the other. It is precisely this step of careful inquiry into the other’s pain that can forge more closeness.

Learn to Listen to Your Partner’s Pain

How does one accomplish this? It may be hard for the injured person to open up about what exactly hurt them, or to answer the question: “How has my sin/wrong action impacted you?” Alasdair Groves suggests a script in his blog post: “I would like to really understand what this has been like for you, I can only imagine that when I _______, you felt ______. Living with the experience of ________ must have been _________ for you.” He also suggests that the offended person may need to think about how to express themselves, and that the person apologizing should allow time to pass before expecting the reconciliation to be complete.

While the injured party describes their pain and tells how they were impacted (not brushing off the offense, as if it was not important), the injuring party needs to stay emotionally present and alert to the feelings expressed by the hurt person. Susan Johnson remarks that at this point, “Sorting through the emotional soup to find the essence of your hurt can be difficult. And it is just as hard for the ‘guilty’ partner to hang in there and try to understand the other’s anguish.”² You need to name the primary emotion that was tapped into — the hurt, or the anger, or the loneliness of abandonment — and the needs and fears that reside just behind that emotion. Simply naming the original emotion that was triggered by the painful interchange makes the emotion objective, and provides each person with more understanding. Naming the emotion also releases some of its intensity.

A Genuine Apology Can Deepen Your Relationship

As the hurt partner names the primary hurt, such as rejection (“You just kept walking, saying ‘Buck up, you think you have it so bad?’”), the injuring partner can also express their deep emotions (“Looking back at that incident, I cannot believe I was so callous towards you. I am so ashamed of my actions.”) While in this instance the injuring partner did not explicitly say that the hurt person’s pain and anger are legitimate, their response does assume that legitimacy. An essential final step is that the injuring person assures the other that they will continue to be present to help them further heal from this hurt.

This interchange is deeply emotional, honest, and forms new emotional bonds in the relationship. These bonds are the emotional “glue” of healthy relationships, creating the safe places we need to have in each other’s lives.

A Christian Counselor Can Support You as You Struggle to Forgive

If you struggle with forgiveness, or wonder how to begin the apology process for hurts in your closest relationships, consider Christian counseling. A trained Christian counselor can accompany you on the hard and sometimes daunting journey to deepen communication and build your relationship.
References
 – “Do you listen when you apologize?” by Alasdair Groves, May 28, 2014, www.CCEF.org
– Johnson, Dr. Sue. “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.” Little, Brown and Co. 2008

Photos
Woman in blue close up with a man, (p1020366_bearbeitet.jpg) courtesy of kathe, morgueFile.com; Couple in woods, between large rocks, (_IGP83342.jpg) courtesy of earl53, morgueFile.com; Couple kissing, black and white (Indiscreet Camera) courtesy of Jan Fidler, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0)