What Does Codependent Mean? A Counselor Explains

The term codependency is a word that has been around for quite a while but it was originally used mostly in relation to spouses of people struggling with addictions, specifically alcoholics.

Since then, the concept has been developed and applied more broadly in society with researchers finding characteristics of codependency more prevalent in the general public than what had been previously thought. It is now more commonly associated with behaviors of a person whose overall thoughts, emotions, and actions revolve around someone else or something else.

Why is codependency hard to define?

Psychologically speaking, codependency is not a diagnosable mental health condition. This is in part because the characteristics of codependency are broad and widely applicable to various situations and relationships.

A common use of the term would state that codependency is being in a dysfunctional relationship that leads to one partner sacrificing their own personal needs in order to meet the emotional and psychological needs of the other partner. This creates a lopsided or one-sided relationship.

Finding a set definition is tricky because theorists have varying views and perspectives, some of which include:

• The response of a person who is in a relationship with someone who is chemically dependent, addicted, or in a dysfunctional family
• A personality disorder
• A learned behavioral response passed down from observing modeling of such behavior of other family members
• A pattern of dependency in the need of approval from others in order to feel a sense of security, identity, or self-worth
• The need or compulsion to rescue or caretake others, essentially making one’s self responsible for the happiness of others

Although all of these theories are different, they all have the common thread of giving, loving, controlling, or caring for the wrong reasons. Codependency comes into play as a way for us to try to avoid being rejected and seeking to please, care, give, or love in order to be loved and valued ourselves.

Codependency generally is not an all-or-nothing position, often times we can see a degree of codependency patterns alongside healthy patterns. But since codependency behaviors tend to be progressive, if left untreated or unresolved, then the relationship can suffer.

What does codependency look like?

Codependency is not only seen in romantic relationships. Unbalanced relationships can be seen in families, friendships, workplace relationships, church affiliations, and other relationships. A codependent or one-sided relationship has the potential to develop in almost any area of life in which people interact.

There are many characteristics broadly associated with codependency. The following is a non-exhaustive checklist of symptoms of imbalance that could indicate a lopsided relationship with a potential for codependency. Take a moment to go through each one and see if you identify with any of the statements made about the way people interact with those they care about.

• You tend to worry and obsess about the person or relationship.
• You tend to tiptoe around him/her/them out of fear of what they may say, feel, do or how they may act or respond.
• You tend to have a difficult time being completely honest, direct, or loving when communicating with the other person.
• You tend to feel the need to just give in/up in order to keep the peace between the two of you in the relationship.
• You tend to feel responsible to make things right for the other person when things go wrong in their life.
• You tend to be the one in the relationship that goes the extra mile in the relationship and it is not often reciprocated.
• In order to resolve conflicts, you must be the one to first apologize or admit you are wrong.
• You tend to use favors, threats, persuasion, or bargains in order to get the other person “to do what is best for them.”
• You tend to have the need for approval and recognition and become hurt when your efforts are not recognized.
• You tend to excessively focus on the needs of others to the extent that you neglect your own.
• You tend to feel guilty when resting, yourself
• You lack trust in yourself and/or others
• You have low self-esteem
• You fear to be alone or abandoned
• You have difficulty in identifying feelings or emotions
• You struggle or have difficulty with intimacy and boundaries
• You experience difficulty in making decisions

Most people can easily check a least one or two of the above items, but if you checked a fair amount of the symptoms listed above, it may be an indicator that you are prone to being in a codependent or one-sided relationship.

It is important to note that not every person who struggles with codependency will have had the same early life experiences and also will not have the same codependent behaviors and interactions in their current relationships; each person is unique and will present differently.

How does codependency occur?

The fact of someone loving or caring too much for another person for the wrong reasons can be tied to the inability of that person to care for or love himself or herself in a healthy fashion. Because they are unable to this for themselves, it should not be a surprise that they are not able to do this for others in healthy ways.

“Love your neighbor as yourself” is seen in a new light when one’s capacity to love one’s self is rooted in unhealthy behaviors or perspectives. Not that codependents love others the same way they love themselves, in fact, they often try to love in the way that they think they would be liked to be loved; whole-hearted and all-consumingly.

Having an unresolved sense of self-love impacts the way that codependents interact with those they care about. Inner needs have not been met and there may be inner wounds or losses that have not been healed or acknowledged from their past.

Codependent behaviors do not just suddenly appear in adulthood; they are generally born out of childhood, early family life, and relationships, going unaddressed or undetected until later in adulthood.

Looking at some of the experiences of early life can give insight into the different elements that contribute to how and why someone developed unhealthy, codependent ways of interacting.

Some of these elements may include: genetics, needs being unmet, attachment styles, modeled boundaries, experiences of loss and grief, living in fear or a sense of insecurity, emotional wounds, shame, and secrets.

Each of these factors affects us all and contribute to the formation of our personalities, character, and habits in relating to other people. The hope found in these factors is that although they can shape our strengths and weaknesses, our resiliency, and our attitudes, they are also things that we can choose to learn and grow from.

Digging into the past and finding an unfulfilled need or an emotional wound is an opportunity to find healing and restoration through the hope that Jesus proclaims to us.

Healthy love model

God designed relationships to be balanced, for both parties to give, love, and care as well as challenge and strengthen one another. Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.”

It is not good for one side of the relationship to serve all needs of the other because that does not leave room for the one being served to be sharpened but instead can lead to weakening desire to contribute to the relationship. It is not healthy for either party in a relationship for only one person to be giving, loving, or caring.

Often, especially in Christian communities, there is a misconception that the heart of love is sacrificial, unwavering in commitment, and involves self-denial. Verses such as Acts 20:35 “it is more blessed to give than to receive” and John 15:13 “greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” are used to support this premise.

While these things may be true, it is not a complete picture of what the Bible teaches about what it means to love well. Often times Christians seem to miss the other side of the seesaw that balances out what relationships should look like.

Scripture doesn’t model imbalanced relationships, instead it challenges us to find the balance between, showing mercy and forgiving blunders (1 Peter 4:8) while also holding each other accountable (Matthew 18:15); graciously giving (Romans 12:20) yet being wise in withholding so as to not hinder someone’s growth (2 Thessalonians 3:10); not score keeping (1 Corinthians 13:5) yet being lovingly honest (Ephesians 4:15).

The Bible teaches us balance in relationships where there is a mutual giving, receiving, love, accountability, and commitment. This requires a shared responsibility, acceptance, and sacrifice.

What now?

It can be easy to start to panic when you realize that you have some unhealthy patterns in your relationships, but don’t let yourself fall into that spiral! Instead, allow yourself to take in this information and gain some perspective on your situation. Here are some gentle reminders for you as you begin to examine and move forward toward healthier patterns of loving:

• Don’t deny or push aside the truth. Take ownership of what you have observed in yourself and in your relationships. Honesty is key in moving forward and stepping into healing.
• Keep loving! This is not an all or nothing situation. Chances are that high that not all the love you give is wrongly motivated and that a lot of it is genuine and good. Your task is to now begin sorting through which one is which, holding onto the healthy patterns and beginning to release the unhealthy patterns.
• No blaming. It can be overwhelming when discovering underlying hurts or unhealthy patterns of interacting, but placing blame on yourself or others or feeling guilty will not help to change the situation. Look to the hope given in moving into a future full of chances to build healthier habits and interactions.
• You first! It can be difficult to attempt to make changes in an already established relationship and we can tend to want to wait until the other person is ready to change as well. Don’t wait! Take ownership of your own healing and realize that you cannot and are not responsible for another person’s change or healing. This is part of the shift, to move your focus from the other person’s problems and take stock of your own. Changing the dynamics of a relationship is difficult and takes intentionality.
• Be gentle and kind to yourself. Realizing that healing is necessary can be sometimes intimidating or scary thing to face because it can be uncomfortable. But through that discomfort, we find growth and freedom. Know that healing and change take time and are often accompanied by setbacks and stumbles. Be compassionate toward yourself as you walk through this time of healing.

Treatment

Seeking assistance from a Christian counselor to help you examine what areas or ways you may be experiencing codependent tendencies can be a vital step in your journey toward experiencing more balance in your relationships. A counselor provides a professional and objective perspective to assist and support you as you begin to inspect and alter unhealthy ways of interacting with those you care about.

Together we can explore your patterns in previous relationships as well as what type of relational styles were modeled to you in childhood that may have contributed to the destructive behavioral patterns you are experiencing now. Learn to rediscover who you are and implement healthy alternative behaviors to replace old patterns of self-defeat.

People can find a new sense of love, freedom, and security in learning to be more self-reliant and loving in more balanced ways. If you can identify areas in your life in which you desire to be less co-dependent, I encourage you to reach out and find a counselor you feel to be a good fit, in order to begin your journey toward relational health.