Myths and Facts about Infidelity: Who is Susceptible?

Part 1 of Myths and Facts About Infidelity

Infidelity. It’s a scary word—and for that reason, we like to think that our marriages are immune from the dangers of unfaithful behavior. Yet infidelity expert Shirley Glass notes this surprising and alarming statistic: “At least one or both parties in 50 percent of all couples, married and living together, straight and gay, will break their vows of sexual or emotional exclusivity during the lifetime of the relationship” (NOT “Just Friends,” p. 2). Infidelity can happen in any marriage, regardless of how happy, committed, or well intentioned the couple believes themselves to be. Today, infidelity is no longer just between partners who “are promiscuous or rich and powerful” (3). Yet so many of us still believe these traditional notions about infidelity; so who, we may ask, is susceptible to breaking their marriage vows? In this article, I explore four myths about the people who have affairs today—and why we may need to change our thinking about who is vulnerable to temptation.

Myth #1: People in Happy Marriages are Safe

Glass warns her readers and clients against the assumption that affairs only happen in unhappy marriages: “Affairs are less about love and more about sliding across boundaries” (7). We mistakenly believe that infidelity becomes possible when two people allow themselves to fall in love with someone who is not their spouse because they are unhappy at home. However, as I have noted in a previous article, affairs most often begin as platonic relationships that develop into something unexpectedly intimate and dangerous to the marriage. Therefore, every marriage is susceptible to infidelity. As Glass notes, “Almost every newly married couple expects their relationship to be monogamous. They begin their lives together never imagining that one or both of them would come to consider infidelity acceptable. They probably don’t know, however, that pledging themselves to exclusivity will not prevent them from thinking, feeling, or doing the things they don’t want anyone to know about” (42).

Myth #2: Affairs Are Most Commonly Between a Married Man and a Single Woman of Lesser Income or Status

This myth may have been true in the past, but is becoming less and less the case as gender roles are shifting. Today’s affairs most often begin among equals—friends, work colleagues, and even church parishioners. According to Glass, “Men and women today have the opportunity to meet as equals, develop collegial relationships and mutual interests, and escalate those relationships into love affairs…The same progress and freedom that allow men and women to be business partners serve together in organizations, and form friendships based on their appreciation of each other as human beings bring with them extra obligation” (17-18). As women have become more and more involved in the workplace, they have also engaged more and more in infidelity. Further, since people are having affairs with friends, neighbors, and work colleagues, the relationships are less about power and more about emotional bonding. And, since affairs today involve such high degrees of emotional bonding from both men and women, they pose an even greater threat to marriages than did affairs of the past (57).

Myth #3: Only Bad People Have Affairs

In NOT “Just Friends,” Shirley Glass follows the story of one couple, Rachel and Ralph, as their marriage is tested by Ralph’s slide into infidelity. At the beginning of their relationship, Ralph and Rachel both believed that infidelity, “happened to unhappily married men or women who didn’t really love their spouse. To Ralph and Rachel, people who had affairs were inconsiderate and self-indulgent more than anything else” (21). They believed that because they were basically good people who loved each other, their marriage was protected from the attractions of others. This is a common assumption, and indeed, it is easier for us to imagine that people who have affairs are selfish, inconsiderate, and unloving. Unfortunately, in the new crisis of infidelity, the slide into an affair is so subtle that most people don’t even realize that they are compromising their values until it is too late. As Glass says, one of the most surprising thing she has discovered in her work as a marital therapist today is that, “Good people in good marriages are having affairs” (1).

Myth #4: People Who Have Affairs Do Not “Get Enough” at Home

Glass is quick to refute this assumption: “The truth is that the unfaithful partner may not be giving enough. In fact, the spouse that gives too little is at greater risk than the spouse that gives too much because he or she is less invested” (8). The best marriages are reciprocal relationships—relationships where both partners give and receive equally. Contrary to popular beliefs, people who are “over-benefited” by their spouse will feel unsatisfied at home because they are unable to give as much as they receive. Put simply, “The more you invest, the more committed you are and the more attached you feel” (226).

Christian Marriage Counseling Can Safeguard Your Relationship

As Christians, we acknowledge our own sinfulness; even when we believe that we will always be faithful to our spouse, we may not foresee the temptations that lie ahead. One of the best ways to protect your marriage against the dangers of infidelity is to foster intimacy through open and honest communication with your spouse. Glass notes that the greater your intimacy with your spouse, the safe your marriage will be. As a Christian marriage counselor, I can help you and your partner develop excellent communication skills that will allow you to grow in your love and intimacy. If you need help recovering your marriage from an affair, or if you want to take a proactive step to protect your relationship, I would be delighted to partner with you and your spouse in Christian marriage counseling.

References
Principles from NOT “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, PhD.

Images
freedigitalphotos.net- “Woman Talk with Friends” by photostock and “Love Triangle” by marin