Myths and Facts about Infidelity V: Recovering from Betrayal – The Unfaithful Spouse

Part 5 of Myths and Facts About Infidelity

This is the fifth and final article in my series on myths and facts about infidelity. So far, I have covered a range of topics, from who is susceptible to infidelity, to the recovery process for betrayed spouses; and many areas in between. In this article, I would like to look at cultural myths surrounding on the unfaithful spouse’s experience after the illicit relationship has come to light. What is the unfaithful spouse permitted to feel in the aftermath of discovery? What new boundaries does he or she need to erect? What should he or she disclose about the affair relationship, and to whom? Once again, I will draw from Shirley Glass’s book, NOT “Just Friends,” which is an excellent resource for couples looking to restore their relationship from the damage caused by an affair.

What are some cultural myths about unfaithful partners that prevent couples from recovering their marriage in the wake of an affair? How does society view the involved partner? And how should the involved partner participate in the healing process? This article is intended expressly for those who have decided to commit themselves afresh to their marriage. I will attempt to help unfaithful partners understand the responses and responsibilities inherent in the recovery process.

Myth #1: The Unfaithful Spouse Has No Right To Grieve the Affair’s End

When an affair is exposed, the unfaithful faces, “a terrible loss with no social support and a lot of social disapproval. Because society at large disapproves of infidelity and frowns upon the self-centeredness associated with cheating, the involved partner does not receive much sympathy for his or her unhappiness” (92). On some level, the involved partner probably needed a wake-up call—cheating is always wrong, and it would be wrong for society to condone such actions outright. At the same time, the unfaithful spouse must be allowed to grieve the loss, not only of his affair partner but also of marital innocence.

Glass offers this helpful explanation for why unfaithful spouses should be allowed an appropriate time to grieve:

Although it is quite painful for the betrayed partner to witness the involved partner’s sadness regarding the end of the affair, grief can be seen as evidence that the illicit relationship is really over. Most often the involved spouse is dealing with complex and heartrending issues. It’s not uncommon for involved partners to feel shame, loss, and fear that there is no light at the end of the tunnel… (92)

Though certainly in the wrong, the unfaithful spouse nonetheless has lost a great deal in the wake of discovery. It is important that the involved partner allow him or herself to grieve—not forever, but for an appropriate time, during which he or she must also commit enormous energy to recovering the marriage.

Myth #2: The Unfaithful Spouse Should Keep the Details of the Affair a Secret

It is tempting for involved partners to tell themselves that revealing the details of the affair will only cause harm. They might believe that full disclosure will only upset or further traumatize their already hurting spouse. But the truth is that the unfaithful partner should not be the one to decide how much information about the affair is shared with the betrayed spouse. Instead, “The betrayed spouse’s need to know is the determining factor for how much detail and discussion is necessary…” (205). In other words, the betrayed spouse and the involved spouse must work together to determine what level of disclosure will best help the betrayed spouse move beyond the traumatic experience. As Glass notes, “Knowing the true story behind a trauma is the only way a victim can stop obsessing and begin to heal” (191). She offers this guideline for couples to decide how much information to share: “Information that quells the obsessive need to know is healing, but information that fuels the obsessiveness is traumatized and should be avoided” (205).

When an unfaithful partner is open and honest about the affair, it sends a clear message to the faithful partner that the affair is over and the marriage has taken precedent to all other relationships. On the other hand, if the injured spouse asks a difficult question and the unfaithful spouse lies, it ultimately causes “more harm than good because the only way to restore a betrayed partner’s sanity is to be honest about what has, up to now, been concealed” (191).

The Unfaithful Spouse Can Continue to Be Friends With the Affair Partner

Common sense should caution any involved partner from maintaining a relationship of any kind with the affair partner. As Glass says, “It is an unfortunate reality that someone who has crossed the line into a romantic sexual affair cannot go back to the previous state of platonic friendship” (106). No matter how hard you work to keep the friendship safe from the realm of romance, the relationship with your affair partner will continue to threaten the marriage. How can your spouse feel safe and certain that you are committed to the marriage when you continue to maintain a relationship with someone who caused so much damage?

The only way to save your marriage will be to break off all contact with the affair partner. Immediately. Sometimes you cannot avoid seeing the affair partner – you may work together, or even worship at the same church. Total honesty with your spouse will be crucial to protecting your marriage. You must tell your spouse about every encounter with the affair partner that you have. Again, “honesty is the only way to undo the legacy of deception and lies” (105). Cutting off the affair partner insofar as possible and then sharing all unavoidable encounters will send a clear message to your spouse that you are putting the marriage first.

Get Help for Your Marriage in Christian Counseling

If you and your spouse decide that you want to work through the damage caused by an affair, please know that you don’t have to do it alone. Christian couples counseling offers a wonderful opportunity to rediscover your love and rebuild your relationship. A professional Christian counselor can offer a helpful perspective to those whose lives have been hurt by an affair, and can help guide you and your spouse safely through the aftermath. A Christian counselor will use Biblical principles and therapeutic techniques to help both partners understand how they can show empathy and take responsibility for the marriage. We would be delighted to help you on your journey as you seek to heal your relationship and grow in intimacy with your spouse.

References
Principles from NOT “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, PhD.

Photos
freedigitalphotos.net – “Loneliness Stock Photo” by graur razvan ionut and “Young Couple Laying Down” by photostock