Myths and Facts about Infidelity II: The Nature of Infidelity Today

Part 2 of Myths and Facts About Infidelity

“Just because infidelity is increasingly common, doesn’t mean that most people understand it. So much of the advice on television shows and in popular books about how to affair-proof your marriage is misleading” (6). So writes infidelity expert Shirley Glass, who committed her life to studying the changing nature of infidelity in our culture today. This is the second piece in a four-part series on the myths and facts about infidelity; following from the previous article about who is susceptible to adultery, in this article we will look at the characteristics of infidelity today. These three myths may come as a surprise to you, but we hope that by distilling Glass’ wisdom here, you will be able to understand the very real danger posed by marital infidelity.

Infidelity Most Often Occurs Because of Sexual Attraction

Infidelity will often begin as sexual attraction, but that does not mean that attraction itself will necessarily fuel the affair. Attraction may be the first sign that “you’re about to cross the line that separates the richness of friendship from something much more intense and destructive” (18). It is a warning, a red flag that you need to put up extra boundaries, but many people have affairs that are not driven by sexual interest. So what are the forces that draw married people into adulterous relationships? Infidelity expert Shirley Glass cites two primary draws:

• First, “The lure of an affair is how the unfaithful partner is mirrored back through the adoring eyes of the new love” (7). This is called “positive mirroring,” and it’s the notion that the new lover makes us feel good by looking at us with total adoration. By contrast, the marriage partner knows us deeply—including our faults—and therefore does not always have the same positive effect on our self-esteem.
• Second, “individuals experience new roles and opportunities for growth in a relationship” (7). A classic example of this is the husband who feels he cannot play the part of a “knight in shining armor” to his independently-spirited wife, but can take up this role in his affair with the single mother from work.

Sex With Someone Outside the Marriage is the Greatest Threat Posed by Infidelity

Most of us associate sex with the very worst that can happen in an affair, but the most dangerous adultery involves “heart, mind, and body” (2). In the new crisis of infidelity, Glass notes that affairs do not have to be sexual at all. The real threat to a marriage is when you form an emotional connection with someone who is not your spouse, and this bond becomes a distraction from the bond you share with your spouse. Glass notes that today’s infidelity tends to be of this dangerous sort: “Most women and an increasing number of men begin with an emotional connection without any thought of a sexual relationship… They delight in their companionship without worrying too much about where it’s heading. As they become more intrigued by their friendship, more of their emotional energy is directed away from the marriage” (42). This passage describes the formation of intimacy with someone outside the marriage; it may not be sex, but it is a closeness that is certainly not appropriate or healthy for the marriage.

You Can Prevent Marital Infidelity by Loving Your Spouse

This is an assumption many of us are tempted to believe, but Glass argues that we need a new outlook. It is obviously crucial to a marriage that you love and cherish your spouse, but this may not be enough to prevent an affair from entering the relationship. Glass calls it a “Prevention Myth” because it assumes that “a loving partner and a good marriage will prevent affairs” (40). The underlying presupposition here is that most affairs happen because of a deficiency in the marriage, but there is no scientific evidence to support this idea. People who are happy in their marriages are having affairs. So if loving your spouse isn’t enough to prevent an affair, what will prevent it? The only surefire way to safeguard your marriage is by putting up healthy boundaries in your relationship with others. “Good friendships and a loving marriage: This is what is possible when you value and preserve the differences between them” (14).

Christian Counseling for Marital Infidelity

Recovering a marriage from the betrayal and hurt caused by infidelity is a difficult and overwhelming task. Even with the greatest determination, many couples will find the process painful and, at times, seemingly impossible. The key is to communicate openly and honestly at every step of the way and to try as best as you can to understand one another’s perspectives. If you need help in the process, I would be delighted to partner with you and your spouse as a marital counselor with expertise in helping couples recover from issues of infidelity. If you are feeling overwhelmed and yet determined to rediscover the joy of marriage, please do not hesitate to contact us at Seattle Christian Counseling. I would be more than happy to speak with you about how Christian marriage counseling can provide a safe, honest, and judgment-free space to process the affair and reignite your intimacy as a couple.

References
Principles from NOT “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, PhD.

Images
freedigitalphotos.net – “Young Troubled Couple” by David Castillo Dominici and “Typewriter Stand By Me” by thaikrit