Myths and Facts about Infidelity IV: Recovering From Betrayal – The Betrayed Spouse

Part 4 of Myths and Facts About Infidelity

In my recent articles, I have been looking at several myths and facts about marital infidelity today. First, I explored who is vulnerable to adultery; then I wrote about the nature of infidelity; and most recently, I examined a few common lies that cheating partners allow themselves to believe when they engage in an affair. In the final two articles in this series, I will take a closer look at the process of recovering a marriage from adultery. In this article, I will consider myths and facts from the perspective of the faithful spouse. Once again, I will be drawing information from Shirley Glass, a world-renowned infidelity expert whose book, NOT “Just Friends” offers valuable insight into how marriages can survive – and even thrive – after infidelity.

Betrayed partners suffer perhaps more than anyone else affected by an affair. As Glass notes, “the betrayed partner is the one who is traumatized and can’t imagine how he or she will ever become whole again” (88). No matter what, recovering from betrayal on this scale is an enormous challenge. Separating the facts from the myths will help you begin the healing process.

It Should Have Been Easy to Detect the Affair

In the wake of discovering that your spouse has had an affair, you may be tempted to think that you missed obvious warning signs. Yet Glass notes that it is usually extremely difficult to uncover an affair; indeed, “the majority of affairs go undetected” (8) during the course of a marriage. In one of her surveys, Glass cites that, “55 percent of unfaithful wives and 70 percent of unfaithful husbands reported that their spouse did not know about their extramarital involvement” (71).

In the wake of discovery, a faithful spouse will very often feel that he or she has been blind, and will go back – usually obsessively – to look for clues that should have been “obvious.” But the truth is that most cheating partners take extreme precaution to hide the trail of evidence. Glass notes that, “the person who doesn’t want to get caught is usually very careful about covering his or her tracks and may leave so few clues that only a super-alert investigator could detect the trail” (72). Further, she adds, “Sometimes there is no way to know when partners are having affairs because their actions may seem perfectly normal. They might be able to look you in the eye and convince you that nothing is going on” (73). Cheating spouses become master liars, and betrayed partners should not blame themselves for not uncovering the affair sooner.

Denying Your Feelings Will Help You Recover Faster

This myth is rooted in a deeper untruth—namely, that your emotions in the wake of discovery are “over-the-top” or altogether invalid. Yet as Glass notes, learning that your partner has been unfaithful is extremely traumatic: “If there were a Richter scale for emotional earthquakes, the discovery of an affair would register at the outermost end of the dial” (88). The anxiety produced by discovery of an affair is akin to the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. According to Glass, it is extremely important for betrayed spouses to know that “it’s normal to feel disoriented and confused” (137).

Yet even when it is clear that the affair has ended, it can be tempting to ask yourself, Why am I not over these feelings? The traumatized emotions will eventually subside, but Glass notes that the first step toward recovery is allowing yourself to feel these intense emotions in the wake of discovery (113). Learning that your partner has been unfaithful to you shatters your most fundamental assumptions about your marriage, and you need to be allowed time and space to feel the pain.

You and Your Partner Should Discuss Everything Immediately

From the moment your partner confesses, you will likely want to know everything—all the details of the affair and how it unfolded. Glass writes: “Betrayed partners turn into Grand Inquisitors in the weeks and months that follow, until they believe that they have uncovered all the secrets and lies. It can be very difficult for betrayed partners to show constraint; they want to know everything right now” (90). However, the initial confession of an affair produces shock and a flood of emotions in both partners. Glass advises couples to wait for full disclosure. “When tempers are escalating, call a time-out to prevent further scarring. Make an appointment with each other to talk about the issue when you have both calmed down… Regard withdrawal as a strategy that can help the relationship at this time rather than as an avoidance maneuver” (86-87).

Knowing the Details Will Only Make Things Worse

On the opposite end of the spectrum, you may be tempted to believe that it would be better never to know the whole story of the affair. It would be too painful to endure the narrative of your partner’s betrayal—and what purpose would this serve anyways? Glass believes that full disclosure is the only surefire way to move forward from the affair: “During the affair, secrecy fueled the passion with the lover and decreased the intimacy with the spouse… Honesty is now the only way to undo the legacy of deception and lies” (105). She argues that full disclosure is crucial to re-establishing trust and ensuring that both partners can heal. According to one study, when unfaithful spouses answered their partner’s questions in full, 86 percent of the marriages survived; yet when the cheating spouse refused to disclose fully, less than 60 percent of the couples remained married.

Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help Your Relationship Recover

Sadly, one of the most common and believed myths about infidelity is that your relationship cannot recover from an affair. While it will certainly take an enormous amount of work from both partners to restore the trust that has been broken, there is always hope that your relationship can be renewed. Seeking the help of a Christian marriage counselor is a wonderful first step toward healing your relationship.

References
Principles from NOT “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, PhD.

Photos
freedigitalphotos.net – “Worried woman lying in bed stock photo” by David Castillo Donimici and “Woman sleepless” by photostock