Myths and Facts About Infidelity III: Lies Cheating Partners Tell Themselves

Part 3 of Myths and Facts About Infidelity

I know that when I do something wrong, it’s a lot easier to come up with excuses to justify my behavior than it is to face the truth about my own sinfulness. When it comes to marital affairs, cheating partners will often “buy into” ideas about their behavior that allow them to continue leading a double life. “I am not harming anyone if no one finds out,” and “It’s only kissing/flirting,” are some common ways that people deceive themselves into believing that unfaithfulness is acceptable. In this third article in our series on myths and facts surrounding infidelity, I explore several myths that cheating partners allow themselves to believe about their adulterous relationships.

It isn’t Infidelity unless I have Sex

A lot of people believe that infidelity is about sex – it begins with sexual attraction and results in intercourse. Therefore, it is very easy to assume that infidelity is defined as sex outside of a marriage relationship. Yet infidelity expert Shirley Glass challenges this commonly held assumption about affairs. She writes, “In the new infidelity, affairs do not have to be sexual;” (2) and later she defines infidelity as, “any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust” (8). Marriages are built upon “an implicit and explicit understanding of… emotional as well as physical exclusivity” (47); therefore, violation of emotional intimacy is just as serious as becoming physically intimate with someone who is not your spouse. Rather than telling ourselves that we can have emotional intimacy with someone who is not our spouse, we might do better to remember this simple rule: “When a friend knows more about your marriage than a spouse knows about your relationship,” you have already entered into an emotional affair (26).

I am protecting my Spouse/Family by keeping my Affair a Secret

It is very common for cheating spouses to believe that they are being kind to their partner by not telling them about the affair. The secrets and lies are for her own protection, a straying husband might say to himself; and an unfaithful wife may think, Telling my husband would only cause more pain than good. Even after the affair has been revealed, many cheating partners will tell themselves that keeping the details from their spouse is better than honesty. As Glass notes, this lie is perpetuated by a selfish motivation: “Unfaithful partners often say they are protecting their partners from pain, but they are really protecting themselves from exposure so that they can continue to lead the double life” (61). Even if your actions are motivated by good intentions, that desire to keep a secret from your spouse will inevitably create a rift between husband and wife. Which brings us to the next myth that unfaithful spouses sometimes tell themselves…

I can be fully Present in my Marriage and still have the Affair on the Side

Leading a double life is exhausting. For any individual involved in an affair, the extramarital relationship will eventually draw energy and attention away from the marriage. At first, an unfaithful spouse may become increasingly invested in home life because he or she feels guilt about the enormous secret kept from the faithful spouse. Yet unfaithful partners are constantly on guard against discovery; and in any affair, each step that brings the unfaithful spouse closer to the affair partner “has a corresponding act of deception” (59). Eventually, the marriage will suffer because the unfaithful spouse cannot be fully present both at home and in the affair.

It’s okay to be Unfaithful because Everyone I know is having Affairs

As Christians, we should immediately register a problem with this line of thinking. According to Glass, “People are more likely to cheat if their friends or family members have cheated” (8). Glass describes two married people who began having an affair with each other at work. Describing how the affair turned from friendship into romance, Glass writes: “Although Ralph and Lara used different personal rationalizations, they were both influenced by how many married people they knew who had had affairs… They knew of at least one other work affair in their department, and both of them had friends who were involved, without any apparent penalty” (50). The old “But everybody else is doing it!” mentality can be powerful, but our actions must be guided by the principles set forward in Holy Scripture. And Scripture truly could not be more clear on this subject: “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality…” (1 Thessalonians 4:3) Therefore, even when it seems like everyone around us condones and even celebrates infidelity, we must remember that we are called to faithfulness in our relationships.

Discovering God’s Truth in Christian Marriage Counseling

Infidelity is about lies and deception. If your marriage has suffered the negative effects of deceitful infidelity, Christian marriage counseling can provide an opportunity to rebuild trust through honest and truth-seeking communication. With the help of a Christian marriage counselor, you and your partner can begin to heal the wounds caused by marital infidelity. Whether you are a faithful spouse seeking honest answers, or an unfaithful spouse wishing to make amends, marriage counseling can help re-open lines of communication that seemed altogether lost. If you and your partner wish to explore together the process that allowed adulterous thoughts and actions to affect the marriage, please do not hesitate to contact us at Seattle Christian Counseling. I would be delighted to partner with you and your spouse as you enter this difficult but important healing process.

References
Principles from NOT “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, PhD.

Images
freedigitalphotos.net – “Groom Put an Engagement Ring” by Tanatat and “Couple Mad at Each Other” stock photo by Michal Marcol