Learning to Yield Through Christian Counseling

Principal 3 of a Principals of Marriage Series
from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver
Tips and Strategies adapted from exercises in Gottman and Silver’s book

After the debate about how to approach homosexuality, women’s roles in church administration and marriage is probably the touchiest subject in the modern church.

How strictly are women expected to obey their husbands?

Should they be allowed to teach or preach?

Can they run for political office when it means they’ll have governmental authority over their husbands?

How long should their hair be?

 Biblical Marital Submission

There’s a striking passage in one of the latter Little House on the Prairie books while Laura and Almanzo prepare for their wedding. Laura goes to her intended and tells him she refuses to make a vow to obey him. She couches it by saying she doesn’t care about the late-1800s politics of women’s rights and suffrage, but she can’t in good conscience make a promise to go against her better judgment. Almanzo agrees wholeheartedly. He later arranges with the pastor for him to eliminate that portion of their wedding vows.

Principle four of Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver’s book isn’t so much about debating whether women should have to submit to their spouses or how much authority husbands have over their wives as it is about the importance of allowing your spouse to influence you. While he doesn’t ignore the existence of households where women rule the roost, Gottman directs most of this section toward men. He acknowledges that we still live in a male-dominated society where women’s opinions on most things are given less value than those of men, a reality which often causes husbands to brush off what may be excellent advice. “We have found that even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives’ influence.” He goes on to say the divorce rate is as much as 81 percent in situations where men keep all the power to themselves. (100)

Gottman is not advocating a scenario where wives have total control. He’s just making the point that it’s unhealthy for the marriage partnership for one of the members to dominate the other.

Scripture makes the same point,

“Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting.” (Eph 5:21-25 The Message)

 Submission and Marital Conflict

Learning to accept spousal influence makes for a healthier approach to conflict. “The wives of men who accept their influence are far less likely to be harsh with their husbands when broaching a marital topic. This increases the odds their marriage will thrive.” (105)

Look at the example of Patrice and Chad. Patrice comes home after a long day of running errands to find Chad’s dirty clothes still in a pile on the floor in their bedroom.

“I thought I asked you to put these in the hamper. Do you think you’re one of the kids that I should pick up after you?” Patrice’s tone isn’t exactly pleasant, but it’s the last comment that sets Chad off. He roars out of his chair, “Don’t tell me what to do! I was going to put the clothes away later, but now they can just stay there forever for all I care!”

It’s not difficult to see what Chad’s really mad about. It’s not the cranky request to pick up after himself, but the implication that he doesn’t have any more maturity or authority than one of their children. Gottman says men who resist the influence of their wives almost always escalate arguments. While women typically either diminish their spouse’s anger level or only rise to match it, these men turn the argument up a notch. (101) This pattern of husbands using hostility to tower over their wives inevitably leads to a wasted battlefield of a marriage from which the only retreat is misery or divorce.

This moment of pique could have been easily resolved had Chad been more willing to accept his wife’s influence. He could have responded to Patrice’s irritated request by trying to see why she was angry and explaining he planned to put his clothes away later, that he doesn’t just expect her to wait on him. “Accepting influence doesn’t mean never expressing negative emotions toward your partner… The problem comes when even mild dissatisfaction on the wife’s part is met by a barrage from her husband that, instead of toning down or at the most matching her degree of negativity, goes beyond it.” (105) Gottman goes on to say that men who take a less domineering approach actually do themselves a favor in the long run. Wives who know their requests and criticisms will be heard without condescension or hostility are more likely to leave the barbs behind when raising touchy subjects. This all creates a stronger foundation for compromise. (105)

 Understanding Your Spouse

Almost any argument can be avoided or de-escalated by taking a minute to understand where your partner is coming from. Gottman calls this being “emotionally intelligent.” Basically, it’s men stepping beyond the beer commercial stereotype. They take an interest in household affairs, child rearing, and connecting emotionally with their wives. “He may not emote in the same way that his wife does, but he will learn how to better connect with her emotionally. As he does so, he’ll make choices that show he honors her. When he’s watching the football game and she needs to talk, he’ll turn off the TV and listen. He is choosing ‘us’ over ‘me.’” (109) Unfortunately, popular culture scoffs at men like this. They must be “whipped” because no “real man” would make an effort to accommodate anyone else’s feelings or needs.

The emotionally intelligent husband and father is much closer to the biblical model than the armchair slob moping through every sitcom. Our heavenly father does not give us life and then leave us to go it alone. He gives us a guidebook. He shows he wants to connect with his children.

• “If you… know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” Matt. 7:11 (ESV)

• “Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” (Matt. 6:26 ESV)

And, during his ministry, we see Jesus setting an example of valuing children:

• “People were also bringing babies to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.’ (Luke 18:15-16)

Beer commercial buddies only think they have a better deal:

“(An emotionally intelligent husband) benefits not only his marriage but his children as well. Research shows that a husband who can accept influence from his wife also tends to be an outstanding father…This new type of husband and father leads a meaningful and rich life…Because he is so connected to his wife, she will come to him not only when she is troubled but when she is delighted…The people who matter most to him will care about him when he lives and mourn him when he dies.” (109-110)

 Abuse of Ephesians 5

Regardless of how strictly you interpret the Eph. 5 command for wives to submit to their husbands, you cannot use anything in the passage to justify spousal domination or abuse. The passage directs husbands to love their wives with the kind of self-sacrifice and love Christ demonstrated during his earthly ministry. We don’t see Christ taking advantage of his superior power or authority to push around the apostles or browbeat people into giving him his way. While he may not have been the meek and mild do-gooder many have reduced him to, he was certainly a far cry from the patriarchal dictators who clench their familial authority with a steel glove and take advantage of Eph. 5 to rule over their domestic fiefdoms.

A passage from Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III’s book Intimate Allies does an excellent job of exploring the mandate of “mutual submission” set forth in verse 21. “Submission is the giving up of one’s own will and agenda for life for the benefit of another person. It is putting oneself in alignment to the greater good of the other. Submission is not obeying another; it is putting oneself under the other to serve the good of God for that person’s life.”

 Learning to yield

Submission is merely learning how to accommodate another person’s needs and preferences– a lesson that stands us in good stead for all parts of life. Imagine a workplace where no one helps anyone else (some of you may not have to). Employees treat everything they do as most important and refuse to budge for anyone. How well will this business do in the long run? Marriage is no different. Sometimes we have to put our own tasks on the backburner to help someone else. Sometimes our preferences are ignored in favor of someone else’s. Self-centeredness has no place in marriage and those who refuse to “learn to yield” will never be successful. (114) “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to (your) own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Phil 2:3-4 ESV)

 Christian counseling for marital submission

Talking to your spouse about how you could both be more selfless can get ugly in a hurry. It’s almost a Herculean task to listen to someone point out your flaws and not explode in anger or abandon the conversation. A Christian counselor’s office provides a neutral space and a neutral moderator who can help you and your spouse have productive discussions about your marriage. Christian counseling also combines proven therapeutic techniques and spiritual principles to help you remodel your marriage into alignment with how the Lord designed it to be.

Images cc: freedigitalphotos.net – “Wedding” by Tom Clare, “Elderly Couple with Laptop: by Ambro, and “Bride and Groom” by phanlop88