The “New Crisis of Infidelity,” The Changing Landscape of Marital Betrayal

Part 1 in the New Crisis of Infidelity Series

Sadly, infidelity in marriage has existed almost as long as marriage itself. History is full of stories of marital betrayal; indeed, even Scripture offers several accounts of infidelity: King David (2nd Samuel 11) and the Samaritan woman (John 4) are just two among many characters in the Bible who succumbed to adulterous temptations. And in today’s culture, faithfulness in marriage seems to be the exception rather than the rule. According to infidelity expert Shirley Glass, “at least one or both parties in 50 percent of all couples… will break their vows of sexual or emotional exclusivity during the lifetime of the relationship” (Glass, 2). Glass believes that infidelity in our world today is taking a new shape, and she argues that understanding “the new infidelity” is crucial to protecting your marriage. In this article series, I will look at the crisis of the new infidelity—what it is, why it is so dangerous, and what couples can do to protect themselves from temptations to break marriage vows.

What is “The New Infidelity?”

What is meant by the idea of a “new infidelity”? In NOT “Just Friends,” Glass writes, “Surprisingly, the infidelity I am seeing these days… is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love.” The nature of extramarital affairs is shifting: in the new infidelity, “friendships, work relationships, and Internet liaisons have become the latest threat to marriages” (1). Infidelity in the modern era differs from the past because adulterous relationships today most often begin as peer relationships, and the slide into an affair happens slowly. There are sociological factors at play in this crisis. Today’s woman is both more sexually experienced and more likely to work in an environment previously dominated by men; as a result, more women are engaging in extramarital affairs (2). At the same time, men are developing deeper emotional bonds with their affair partners than they have in the past (4).

The Crisis of The New Infidelity

Extramarital affairs in the modern world are especially dangerous because people are forming emotional bonds before becoming physically intimate—that is, if they engage physically at all. The strongest – and therefore the most dangerous – bonds are formed when you connect with someone emotionally, mentally, and physically. Marriages are put into danger as men and women are developing more intimate relationships with people outside the marriage. As Glass notes, “Today’s affairs are more frequent and more serious than they used to be because more men are getting emotionally involved and more women are getting sexually involved” (2).

Friends Becoming Lovers: How Affairs Are Unfolding Today

In the new infidelity, the slide into unfaithfulness is gradual. Imagine two office colleagues – Donny and Dee – who begin as professional acquaintances. One day, Donny discovers that he and Dee share the same favorite television show, and they start recapping the program together every week. Donny’s wife has never shown interest in the show, and he is pleased to find someone with whom he can talk about it; plus, it provides a welcome break from the dullness of work. At first, they carefully maintain certain boundaries, since Dee and Donny are each married to other people. But soon, they begin to look forward to their conversations as the highlight of their week, and the conversations become deeper, not merely about television. Talking to Dee is refreshing, and it excites Donny in a way that talking to his wife doesn’t excite him anymore. And Dee feels completely at ease with Donny, who doesn’t interrupt her like her husband sometimes does.

Crossing the Line to Adultery

Donny and Dee have begun to form an emotional bond, but because they still maintain boundaries, they believe that they are being faithful to their marriages. But these boundaries become more and more fluid, less and less enforced. Further, Donny’s wife has grown suspicious of this work colleague he always talks about, and she is concerned by how distant her husband has seemed lately. Meanwhile, Donny and Dee begin taking coffee breaks and one-to-one “lunch dates” together during the week. Eventually, Dee dares to admit to Donny that she is dissatisfied in her marriage. A few weeks later, Donny tells Dee that he is attracted to her, and Dee confesses that she feels the same—although they agree that they must not act on their feelings. Yet the tension between them becomes more and more palpable. By the time they are sent on a weeklong business trip several states away, Dee and Donny have become so close already that engaging physically becomes a very natural final step in the development of their adulterous relationship.

Lovers Becoming Best Friends: How a Healthy Marriage Unfolds

Sexual intercourse was the last frontier in Donny and Dee’s affair; the two were already emotionally connected long before they allowed themselves to become physically involved. And as Dee and Donny grew closer together, each of them grew apart from their respective spouse. Keeping such a big secret always “creates a distance between husband and wife,” (46) since the cheating partner is never being completely honest. But spouses will do well to remember that, “the ultimate goal in committed relationships is to think of your marriage partner as your best friend” (13). Healthy marriages develop when you and your partner continually strive to be one another’s closest confidant and greatest cheerleader. In my next article, I will explore some of the specific ways you can maintain healthy friendships while fostering intimacy with your spouse so that you always remain each other’s best friend.

Learning to Be Best Friends with Your Spouse Through Christian Marriage Counseling

No matter where you are in your relationship, marriage counseling can be one of the best ways to grow in love and intimacy with your spouse. If you want to learn more about how to develop healthy friendships and an intimate marriage, please contact me to learn how we at Seattle Christian Counseling can help. Our counselors will use proven therapeutic techniques and Biblical teaching to help you and your spouse develop intimacy and discover the joy of being married to your best friend.

 

Images
freedigitalphotos.net – “Love Couple” and “Infidelity” by t0zz