The “New Crisis of Infidelity,” The Changing Landscape of Marital Betrayal (Part 2)

Part 2 of New Crisis in Infidelity Series

In my previous article, I began an in-depth examination of the nature of infidelity today: in the modern world, most affairs originate as friendships and work relationships that, over time, develop into something quite different and quite dangerous. According to infidelity expert Shirley Glass, most of those who engage in extramarital relationships today will have an affair with someone who is, at first, “just a friend” (1). Does this mean that married men and women simply can’t be friends? Healthy and supportive friendships can, indeed, enrich our lives and help fulfill our need for community. In marriage, you do not need to cut yourself off entirely from forming friendships with people of the opposite sex, but you should always exercise vigilance and set appropriate boundaries in your friendships and work colleagues. In this way, you can protect your most precious relationship – the one you share with your spouse.

Windows and Walls: Building Intimacy Within Your Marriage

In NOT “Just Friends,” Shirley Glass uses the metaphor of windows and walls to clarify the necessity of relational boundaries outside of marriage: “In a committed relationship, a couple constructs a wall that shields them from any outside forces that have the power to split them. They look at the world outside their relationship through a shared window of openness and honesty. The couple is a unit, and they have a united front to deal with children, in-laws, and friends…” (25). Windows and walls provide couples with a healthy and useful method for understanding how to structure relational boundaries. By surrounding the marriage with a wall of security , trust, and honesty, a couple is protected from developing unhealthy closeness with anyone who isn’t their spouse. At the same time, the married partners have windows through which they communicate openly and truthfully with one another; this arrangement – walls with those who could threaten the marriage and windows between spouses – allows deep and trusting intimacy to develop in the marriage.

Marital Infidelity: The Reversing of Windows and Walls

In an affair, the placement of walls and windows are reversed. The cheating spouse puts a wall of secrecy and deception between him or herself and the faithful spouse. At the same time, he or she also opens a window to let the affair partner in (25). Since affairs unfold subtly and slowly in the new infidelity, many couples will not realize that the walls and windows in their relationship are shifting until it is too late. Therefore, it is vitally important that both husband and wife stay vigilant in observing healthy boundaries between themselves and those outside the relationship while always fostering open communication with one another. According to Glass, this is one of the best ways to protect a marriage from infidelity (12).

Guard Your Heart to Save Your Marriage

Glass’ concept of walls and windows echoes a well-known passage of Scripture. In the Book of Proverbs, we are warned: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23). To successfully steer your relationship away from temptation, both you and your partner must exercise vigilance when forming friendships and relationships with anyone of the opposite gender. This is not to say that women shouldn’t have any male friends or vice-versa; friendships form a vital and meaningful part of human experience. Most people have friends of the opposite gender, and this is healthy insofar as the relationship never becomes more intimate than your relationship with your spouse. To guarantee that this doesn’t happen, you must guard your heart by observing appropriate boundaries and keeping aware of any red flags in the friendship. And although you should guard your heart with others, remember that your spouse is always your best friend. When you protect yourself from becoming too intimate with others, you can discover amazing depths of intimacy with your spouse.

Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help You Construct Healthy Boundaries

If you or your spouse finds it difficult to discern where to draw the line in your relationships with others, a Christian counselor can provide vital tools to help you guard your heart and protect your marriage. At Seattle Christian Counseling, we will partner with you and your spouse to help you understand how healthy boundaries can support and nurture your marriage while also allowing meaningful friendships to flourish. If you would like to learn more about windows and walls, please do not hesitate to contact me to learn more about our marriage counseling services at Seattle Christian Counseling . I would be delighted to talk to you about the therapeutic methods and Biblical standards we can use to support and nurture intimacy in your marriage.

References
Principles from NOT “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, PhD.

Images
freedigitalphotos.net – Newly Wed Couple Dancing by photostock and Business People Working Together by photostock