How to Deal with Sexual Problems Caused by Medical Conditions

References Resurrecting Sex by Dr. David Schnarch

What is sex?

 

Is there only one definition?

Think about your answers to these questions for a minute.

People place a lot of importance on the definition of “legitimate sexual intercourse.” They use their criterion to determine whether someone is still a virgin or whether a couple has “properly” consummated their marriage.

This can place a weighty burden on couples dealing with medical conditions that restrict their ability to have sex. I do not mean spouses struggling with erectile dysfunction; I mean spouses dealing with paralysis or other serious medical conditions that obstruct their pursuit of sexual intimacy. They may feel as though their limited sexual abilities keep them from being “really married.”

Barriers to Sex

Sex depends on your ability to reach your response thresholds. You have to be stimulated enough to have sex (secrete vaginal lubrication/get an erection) and then you have to be stimulated enough to reach orgasm. But what if your body won’t respond?

There are many reasons for sexual dysfunction– surgeries that require cumbersome apparatuses such as colostomy bags, medical conditions that preclude physical exertion, or injuries, such as paralysis, that inhibit your ability to have sex.

Why Me?

So what do you when your sex life can never be normal? The prospect can seem devastating. You create a lot of ideals about what marital sex is supposed to be like, and it is hard not to look at the wrench ruining your fantasies and ask, “Why me?” But just because your sex life cannot be how you imagine it ought to be, does not mean it cannot be enjoyable.

Sexual problems caused by medical issues reminds me of a conversation from a book between a girl crippled by an illness and her able-bodied cousin. One day, while rushing out to play in the snow, the able-bodied cousin turned to the girl left behind with her crutches to watch from the stoop and asked her how she could stand to always be left behind. The disabled cousin told her, instead of bemoaning all the things she can never do, she focused on all the things she can do.

It is only human to see other people with desirable possessions and wish you had them, especially if they have something you used to have. But it does you no good to cry over what you cannot get back. It provides a foothold for bitterness that will eventually drive apart you and your spouse. As James wrote in his letter to the twelve tribes, “You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.” (James 4:2 NIV) Does that sound like something you want? Of course not. Pray the Lord will make you content with what you still have.

Don’t Lose Hope

Just because the sex you and your spouse have does not look the sex you imagine everyone else to be having does not mean you cannot be erotically intimate.

Take a minute to list some of the ways you and your spouse can enjoy each other sexually. See? You still have options, even if they do not include the options you think you should have.

What is most important for dealing with sexual relationships modified by physical or medical conditions is to not let the difficulties get the best of you. As Paul exhorted the church in Rome– don’t give up during tribulations; hold fast and rejoice in the hope you have in Christ and pray. (Rom. 12:12) If you and your spouse commit to each other and your relationship, you can create an enjoyable sexual relationship, in spite of the obstacles.

What You Can Do

Get in touch with a professional Christian counselor, preferably one with experience in sex therapy. The counselor will be able to talk you through your sexual options for developing “anatomy-independent eroticism” as Schnarch calls it. You also need to stop stressing.

Take a break from focusing on traditional intercourse. Especially if you are dealing with a difficulty, such as Peyronie’s disease or paralysis, that makes it too difficult or painful to be successful. Instead, enjoy what you can do, such as mutual oral sex. Abstaining from painful or stressful sexual acts can help break you from expecting sex to be painful or disappointing.

However, if traditional intercourse is something you think you can get back into, talk to your professional Christian counselor about alternative positions or methods that will accommodate you. What is most important is to get away from the idea that sex has to be a certain way to qualify as sex. There are many ways to be erotic. Find what works for you and your spouse.

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