Being Excluded and Loneliness in the Workplace

When you finally reach adulthood, there is an expectation that the cattiness and drama of middle school will be safely locked in the past. Unfortunately, just because you reach the age of accountability and start interacting in the world as a full-fledged adult, there is no guarantee that you will be free of pettiness and social issues.

Exclusion, gossip, and cliques don’t vanish with age; they simply take on new forms. Instead of the drama of who sits together in the school cafeteria, the issue becomes who gets excluded in after-work hangouts or who gets favoritism from the boss. Being left out as an adult can sting just as deeply as it did when you were a kid. When it happens in the workplace, a place where you spend so much of your life, it can leave you feeling isolated and undervalued.

Why You Might Be Excluded

There could be hundreds of reasons you’re being excluded at work, but it’s probably not the one you think. It’s natural to shift the blame to yourself when you’re excluded. Self-flogging is often the default after failure.

You might wonder what you’ve done to turn people so against you. You might anguish about why you don’t measure up in the eyes of your boss or coworkers. You might analyze your work ethic, critique your humor, cringe at your own awkwardness, and scrutinize every conversation, looking for hints as to why you’re being excluded.

If this feels familiar, it’s good to prayerfully survey your life. Then you can look for areas to improve. Authenticity and humility are both goals as a Christian, as is growth in Christ. When your self-esteem and self-assessment are tied to the way you’re treated by others, you may not see things clearly. The way other people treat you might influence how you view yourself. And when people in your workplace don’t treat you right, it can negatively distort your sense of self.

During this period of self-analysis, you might conclude that you’re being excluded from the company party or being excluded from after-work gatherings because there is something intrinsically wrong with you. It’s natural to find fault with yourself, especially when you’ve already been beaten down by external factors. But these faults that you have identified might not actually be what is dictating others’ behaviors.

Jealousy, Greed, or Fear

Anytime you find yourself criticized or excluded, it’s important to take a step back and ask yourself what those who are excluding you have to gain from it. People are motivated by many things, but if you trace all those various types of motivations back to their roots, you will usually find jealousy, greed, or fear at the center. Exclusion in the workplace has less to do with who you are and a whole lot more to do with the insecurities of others.

Jealousy shows up in subtle ways, like being left out of conversations, not being invited to lunch, or in the silence that settles over the room when you walk through the door. It can show up in bigger ways, too, often confirming your suspicions of being excluded.

Scripture talks about the destruction of jealousy and what envy does to people and relationships. Proverbs says, “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots to the bones.” (Proverbs 14:30 NIV) Envy may take root in a co-worker’s heart, but the damage can spill over and hurt the culture and connections around them.

James also talks about jealousy and its power to destroy. “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and every evil practice” (James 3:16, NIV). That “disorder and every evil practice” can manifest in the workplace as gossip, cliques, and a culture of exclusion.

Seeing jealousy as a fault in those who suffer from it can help shift your perspective. Instead of automatically assuming that you’re the problem, recognize that exclusion often flows out of someone else’s insecurity.

If you’ve had success in life, progress in your job, or appear to have it all together, your coworkers might perceive you as a threat, even if you have never intended to compete with anyone. Their insecurity can make them act out, subtly or overtly, by excluding you, gossiping, or refusing to work with you. This behavior says more about them than it does about your worth or abilities.

Greed is also a contributing factor to exclusion. Some people are motivated by money, status, or advancement. If a coworker perceives you as an obstacle to a promotion, a threat to their reputation, or someone blocking a financial gain, they might exclude you to protect themselves.

Scripture even warns us that greed can influence behavior. “For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs,” (1 Timothy 6:10, NIV).

Fear is also a contributing factor in workplace exclusion. Coworkers might fear you, not as a villain, but because you represent something different. Their behavior toward you might not have anything to do with envy or personal advancement, but simply be a fear of change and the unknown.

A coworker might resist including you in projects, decision-making processes, or social activities because you are unfamiliar. People often stick with what feels comfortable.

There are times you might be part of the problem that leads to being excluded. Be sure to ask God for wisdom and remember there is usually a lot more to it than what you think. Striving to do your best and practicing prayerful reflection about your own attitude and work ethic is important.

When you do this, however, don’t default to assuming that every problem at work is because of some fault in you. It is good, healthy even, to examine your own actions and to grow in your personal relationship with Christ, but exclusion is complex and often rooted in external factors.

Dealing with Exclusion in the Workplace

So how can you handle being left out at your place of employment?

First and foremost, maintain your integrity. Your first priority is to do your work as unto the Lord, not your coworker, boss, or company. Keep doing your job well and treating others with respect, even when they don’t do the same. It might be tempting to mirror negative behavior, but your relationship with God should dictate your behavior, allowing you to rise above emotional immaturity.

You also must learn how to set and maintain healthy boundaries (yes, even if you’re not the boss). Part of that process includes understanding your legal rights and protecting yourself from those who don’t respect them. Know when to engage and when to step out of potentially toxic situations. Find the balance between rightfully defending yourself and perpetuating workplace toxicity.

You can also seek support from a licensed therapist. A professional mental health specialist can help you process the hurtful feelings of exclusion, learn to set those boundaries, and gain some perspective on difficult workplace situations.

You’re not defined by them

Thankfully, you’re not defined by your coworkers or boss; you’re defined by God. Your Creator loves you and won’t ever exclude you. In fact, He was so passionate about including you in His family that He sent His own Son to die on a cross so you wouldn’t be excluded. And that type of inclusion supersedes anything that happens on Earth.

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