3 Life Stages When Female Friendships Are Essential

Female friendships can be complicated to maintain, tough to build, and even more challenging to restore when there’s a break. It might feel frustrating or pointless to continue putting the work into these relationships. But as you grow and change through life’s seasons, your friends are the ones who sustain you and remind you of your purpose.

Here are five life stages when female friendships aren’t just nice to have but are empowering and essential.

Transitioning into Teen Years with Friendship

This life stage can be fraught with drama, disagreements, and simply changing your mind about so many topics. However, when transitioning from childhood and early adolescence to the teen years, having female friendships for support is integral to emotional and mental health.

When you were 12, 13, or 14, what were you most concerned with? Was it makeup, beauty products, clothing, shoes, or boys? If your answer is yes, you’re in like company. Many young women entering their teen years think about these, too. However, did you know that teen girls today also have deeper, heavier worries on their minds?

Recent research suggests that teen girls are also concerned about long-term decisions, such as where they’ll attend college, what career to pursue, how they’ll earn an income, and family conflict resolution. Just as with adult females, this life stage is one where, without supportive friends, a young teen may find it even more challenging to navigate than it already is.

So, how do teen girls form supportive, healthy female friendships? First, they look to their role models. Many teens learn how to treat friends by the way their parents treat others. If you’re the mother of a teen girl, remember that she’s watching and listening to how you talk to, treat, and talk about your own friends.

Second, pay attention to how your daughter talks about casual friends at school. If one day there’s a breakup, and the next day there’s a hookup between her bestie and her bestie’s boyfriend, it might mean her best girl is prone to drama, mixed signals, or a preoccupation with the things that aren’t lasting. Listening first and asking questions second about your daughter’s friends is one way to tiptoe into discovering what kinds of people she’s around most.

Most teens spend the majority of their time at school, so it’s normal to be lumped together with people you might not ordinarily choose. Much like an office setting where you can’t choose your co-workers, the same goes for school. That’s why asking questions is vital. Not every friend your daughter talks about is going to be her best one, or healthy, and that’s okay. It’s to be expected.

Letting your daughter in on some friendship secrets could help her as she searches for friends who will guard her vulnerability and add joy to her life rather than drama. Secrets you probably didn’t know you had tucked away might include the power of observation.

Talk to your daughter about things like observing how a friend talks about others and paying attention to her discussions around faith or morality. Also, note whether she’s inclined to persevere when something difficult happens or when she’s tasked with a group project. It’s even important to teach her to recognize if a friend asks for help from trustworthy adults if she’s struggling. Remind your daughter to look for good character in her friends.

Another secret you help her learn is to join teams and activities based on interest level and based on who’s involved. As your daughter decides what activities to pursue, remind her that an activity may not be worth pursuing if it means joining a group of girls who go out after a game to party or who talk about others in a demeaning way.

Sometimes teens need to learn the hard way who a good friend is and isn’t. Having an understanding, listening ear is always a gift to her during this season.

Friendships in Young Adulthood

Whether you see young adulthood as 18 or 25, having female friendships can buoy you during these transitional years.

Women face monumental decisions such as where to live, what career to pursue, and how to find a faith community and grow in their spiritual life. This is also the time when many young women start to reflect on their childhood, see some areas for improvement, and desire a closer relationship with family members.

It can be a terrific time to pursue counseling, too. If you or someone you know has been thinking or talking about family relationships or childhood wounds, our offices are widespread and staffed with credentialed, competent counselors, and we’ll match you with the right person to suit your needs.

Female friendships in your early to mid-20s can be tough to maintain when so many women are in life transitions. Whether they’re getting married, starting a career, pursuing a post-graduate degree, or having children, women during this life stage may find it hard to be consistent with their old friends and carve out time to make new ones.

Some tips we want to remind young women are that they have a unique personality and gifts to share. Old ways of connecting, like community service, are sometimes overlooked unless you’re heavily plugged into a service-oriented church.

Aside from contributing your time or talents to a cause you believe in, community service is also a wonderful way to form female friendships. Look for causes that matter to you, and you’ll likely find others who have at least one interest in common.

Another way to find or maintain female friendships at this stage is to develop a creative communication method that works most of the time. This isn’t the time to wish your friend a casual “let’s keep in touch” or “let’s get together next month.” If you want to maintain friendships, you’ll have to be direct, intentional, targeted, decisive, and a little creative.

Use apps like Marco Polo or WhatsApp to help you stay in touch with regular video chat exchanges or life update check-ins. Arrange to talk regularly and create a Zoom call where you can agree on a set time period (not to cut each other off but to respect each other’s time and commitments during this life stage).

Think about a friend who is getting married. Her life is changing radically, so she might not be able to predict what her everyday life will look like after marriage. But give her a month or so, and then try to connect at a time that works for her. You can mutually decide how often you want to call or text to check in and how you plan to maintain your friendship in a season where your lives may not align.

Consider all that you do have in common and don’t write her off simply because her life stage will shift. She’s going to need a friend who knew her before her marriage and can remind her who she is on tough days. And you’ll benefit from getting insider info on what it’s like to be married. Everything she goes through while adjusting is something you can file away and learn from in the future.

Friendships When Your Children Are Grown and on Their Own

You may be newly empty-nested or empty-nested for a decade, but somewhere in this life stage, friends are going to come in handy. Here’s why.

Being suddenly empty can shock our systems. For some of us, it’s an easy transition at first. But then, after years of watching our adult children make choices on career, life, and love, we may encounter a time when our needs fade into the background of their thriving, busy lives.

It’s not that you aren’t happy that they are doing so well (you are!), but when their lives get chaotic, fruitful, stressful, and full, it’s common for them to forget to include a parent in their world. That’s if you’re close geographically; it’s even harder when you live far away.

Friends can be the balm to your loneliness and feeling left out because they can help you find new interests, explore ideas you’ve never considered before, or take risks that you once would have balked at. Now you have the time, energy, and financial resources to pursue them.

They can also listen when you feel left out, give you a kick in the pants when you need to be reminded you’re not a victim, and help you learn how to be vulnerable when it’s the last thing you want to be.

If you’re newly empty-nested, a friend who stays beside you regardless of her life stage is a treasure. She may not be able to relate to what you are going through, but she can mirror what she sees in you and echo what she hears you say. Having female friendships where we’re heard, seen, and known can carry you through just about anything.

You can carry someone else through this life stage, too. Here’s how:

• Call and invite her for coffee or a walk, even if she says no too many times. (Don’t give up.)
• Show up at her house with a to-go coffee from her favorite cafe, chicken salad and croissants, or a puzzle you can work on together. It reminds her that she still has needs and interests outside of her children.
• Engage in her stories about her children, even if you’ve heard similar ones. Listening to her is a way of holding space for her grief, joy, pain, and the immense transition she’s going through right now.
• Ask her to try something new with you, somewhere new together. Trying something you’ve never done together builds camaraderie in a way that old hobbies can’t. You’ll probably have to be brave together, and it’ll elicit some laughs, giving your grieving friend a place to escape for a little while.
• Encourage your friend to attend counseling. Even if it’s just a few sessions, seeing a counselor during seasons of transition can provide her with healthy tools and mindset shifts.

To schedule an appointment with me or one of the other counselors in our online directory, contact our reception team today at Vancouver Christian Counseling in Washington state.