3 Strategies Christian Marriage Counseling Can Offer to Help You Understand Your Spouse’s Heart

Married couples frequently ask me what they can do to truly connect with their spouse’s heart when they need to have a deeper conversation. Although they find themselves “communicating” about important matters, they are not “connecting” on an emotional level. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, this type of feedback is concerning; therefore, I decided to write an article that highlights 3 simple strategies you can use to better listen to, understand, and connect with your spouse’s heart.

Strategy 1:  Slow Down and Listen

Far too often spouses start conversations on important topics and in a matter of seconds end up disagreeing over unimportant details, defending their actions, criticizing one another, and ultimately becoming deeply frustrated (Gottman, 1999). Unfortunately, these are common traps that many married couples fall into. Avoiding them is necessary for the tools we are addressing to be successful.

One of the most important steps you can take in beginning to understand your spouse’s heart is to slow down, and truly focus on what they are communicating. This helps you pay attention to key statements and emotions that provide vital insight into what they are going through emotionally.

Strategy 2:  Use the “Tell Me More” Approach

There are few things that create an element of safety and openness in a conversation as a calm or nurturing tone, and a genuine inquiry into what your spouse is feeling emotionally. Your tone and inquiry here help accomplish two important tasks: (1) helping your spouse feel safe in sharing their heart with you, and (2) helping them remain calm and avoid withdrawing from the conversation.

One of the easiest ways to do all of this is by calmly (affectionately) saying to your spouse, “Tell me more about that,” or “Tell me more about what it was like when you felt ____ (e.g., alone, sad, hopeless, scared).” It can be helpful to follow up such statements with, “I want to know more about ____ (e.g., why what I said frustrated you, hurt you, angered you, etc.). Such statements draw out your spouse’s experiences and emotions, and let them know your desire is to understand their heart. Strategy 3 will further explain why taking your time with this approach is so important.

Strategy 3:  Keep the Focus on Your Spouse

A primary reason conversations break down is that both spouses end up making the conversation about themselves. One spouse begins by sharing their underlying emotions, needs, and concerns. The moment they are finished the other immediately begins sharing their own underlying emotions and needs, whereby the cycle continues this way for an ongoing period of time. The result is that neither member has the chance to fully be understood.

Keeping the focus on your spouse (after they have shared some of what they are going through) is drastically different because it provides them a chance to expand on their thoughts and emotions. It also helps them come away from your conversation feeling understood and more emotionally connected to you.

Slowing down and using statements such as, “Tell me more about why that bothered you so much,” will help you be successful in keeping your focus on your spouse. Don’t worry about keeping time while using this strategy, since the aim isn’t to have equal amounts of sharing time. The aim is to understand your spouse’s heart and to be patient before delving into your own emotional experiences. With the appropriate perspective, you can work effectively together to address presenting difficulties between you, and develop your emotional connection overall.

Look at The Grand Perspective

Having the right heart is fundamental to healthy and effective spousal engagement. The Bible speaks clearly to this issue on many fronts, however, I want to highlight one particular passage of Scripture:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23, ESV)

These two short verses provide the ultimate framework for married couples to follow as they seek to develop their emotional connection. Strategies are helpful, but having a right heart before God and your spouse is the true basis for having a loving and thriving marriage.

Building Your Marriage Through Christian Counseling

Christian counseling can be a powerful resource to help you and your spouse develop the skill sets addressed above. It can further help you develop your emotional connection, create an environment of safety in your relationship, and develop deeper levels of understanding as you communicate with one another. If you and your spouse are struggling to communicate effectively, I encourage you to seek the help of a qualified Christian marriage counselor.