5 Premarital Topics to Consider Before You Marry

Part 1 of a 2-Part Premarital Counseling Series
Seattle Seahawks’ quarterback Russell Wilson has been quoted numerous times as saying, “the separation is in the preparation.” Those who work harder during the preparation phase of a task will stand out during its performance phase. This is true in athletics and it is definitely also true in other areas of life. I have found it to be especially true when it comes to preparing for marriage. One of the aspects of my job that I enjoy the most is working with pre-married and pre-engaged couples. I feel that premarital counseling provides me with the opportunity to help couples take preventative measures against some of the problems that bring spouses into counseling later in life.

When we make the exciting decision to get married, we spend so much time, money, and energy planning and preparing for that special day. Yet it is of far greater importance to invest some of our resources into planning and preparing for the lifetime of living, learning, and growing together that follows the big day. This is the first article in a two-part series on the topic of premarital counseling. In my work with engaged (and pre-engaged) couples, I like to focus our work on 10 key areas that every couple should carefully consider as they prepare for their future life together. In the rest of this article, I present an overview of the first five areas of focus.

Conflict Resolution for Your Marriage

Premarital counseling should help you to assess your current conflict-resolution skills and should equip you with some necessary tools and techniques to take into your marriage. Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that conflict will be part of your relationship with your spouse for the rest of your life? Every couple fights. Yes, even happy, healthy couples fight. The question is not whether there will be conflict between you and your partner. There definitely will be. The question is – do you have the skills to navigate conflict in a healthy, respectful way? Successful marriages are created by people who know how to handle disagreements in a manner that (1) keeps their self-respect and dignity intact, and (2) honors their partner’s right to the same sense of dignity and respect.

The Personality and Habits of Your Future Spouse

Premarital counseling should assess how you feel about each other’s habits. How content are you with each other’s personality traits, character, and daily habits. How accurately can you describe the personality traits and daily or weekly habits of your future spouse? There will most likely be aspects of this category that you find “cute” at this stage of your relationship, but that may eventually evolve into potential points of contention or annoyance. It is wise to identify and appreciate areas of harmony and to discuss any areas of potential concern.

Communicating with Your Future Spouse

Premarital counseling should assess how effective you are at asserting your needs and feelings to your partner, as well as your ability to actively attend to and understand your partner. The goal of this category is to equip you with the skills you need to do this. Communication is undeniably one of the most critical aspects of every relationship and is the foundation of intimacy. When both of you understand what the other person feels and wants (assertiveness) and when of you feel as though you have been heard and understood (active listening), then intimacy increases.

Hobbies and Leisure in Your Future Marriage

Premarital counseling should help to ensure that both you and your partner are able to establish a healthy balance of activities, including hobbies that you enjoy doing both together and apart. For example, where you have common interests you will be able to prioritize time to do those things together.

One of the best ways to spend your leisure time together is to continue dating each other. In addition to this, it will also be important to maintain a healthy sense of self within the relationship and this can be bolstered by activities that you enjoy doing apart. The goal of this category is to help you to strike the right balance of time spent together and time spent apart.

Finances and Your Marriage

Premarital counseling will assess your level of agreement around financial matters. Your goal should be to agree on realistic financial plans. The areas I like to assess with my clients include opinions about debt, spending habits, saving goals, budgeting, and how you will make financial decisions as a couple.

In the following article, I will cover the other five areas of focus.