6 Signs of Codependency in Friendships

Our friends make our lives richer, fuller, and more worthwhile. Without them, on whose shoulder would we cry, with whom would we laugh, and to whom would we go to when we have a problem that needs resolving?

The word “codependency” is most often associated with problematic romantic relationships and dysfunctional parent-child relationships. However, just like these other relationships, friendships can also be codependent, and thus dysfunctional.

On the surface, it may seem as though there is no difference between a close and healthy relationship, and one that is dysfunctional because it is codependent. That surface appearance can be easily dispelled if we take time to look at the dynamics of the relationships. As we do that, we may find that a relationship that seems fulfilling is only superficially so.

What is codependency?

According to some researchers, codependency is defined as an unhealthy devotion to a relationship at the cost of one’s personal and psychological needs. In a codependent relationship, due to poor boundaries, one person can lose themselves as they attempt to take care of another person.

Healthy relationships are characterized by people walking alongside one another and taking care of each other’s needs. There is mutuality. Codependent relationships are characterized by imbalance, with one person taking the role of the ‘giver’ while the other occupies the role of the “taker.”

This giving and taking is voluntary. It’s not as though anyone is forced to occupy one role over the other, but codependent relationships are the result of certain personalities coming together and forming an unhealthy relationship. Codependent relationships aren’t often created intentionally.

In many cases, one person is loving, caring and has a genuine desire to take care of the people around them, and the other person in the relationship has a lot of care taking needs. The enabling behavior displayed by the caring individual draws them into a pattern of disallowing their friends to learn from their mistakes.

Instead of letting their friends work through their problems, their default is to “fix” everything to shield their friends from hitting rock bottom and growing through those experiences. They want to be needed, and the other friend is happy to rely on their friend and be rescued.

The enabler and giver may feel responsible for their friend’s well-being and for tackling their problems that when things go poorly, they personally feel guilty for it. A codependent friendship is ultimately a conditional friendship because it is one that is built on a cycle of being needy and needing to be needed.

Signs of Codependency in Friendships

People in a codependent friendship may not see anything wrong with their dynamic. They may see it as being a good friendship in which they are there for one another. There is intimacy and a meaningful connection. On closer inspection, though, it may become clear that there are signs of codependency. A few signs of codependency in friendship include:

The give-and-take is way out of balance

In a healthy relationship, there’s always ongoing giving and taking. We all need help at one point or another. We need to be there for our friends, after a breakup, during a job loss, for help moving, or when we or another loved one is sick. This is the stuff of friendship – showing up when needed to either celebrate, support, or weep together.

The codependent relationship is characterized by an imbalance in this regard. You can pour everything into the relationship, but you don’t get the same level of commitment in return. You may be so consumed by the other person’s problems and feelings that you are left feeling depleted. After you spend time together with each other, the heavy emotional investment and withdrawals leave you finished.

Apart from the lack of emotional give and take, in a codependent friendship there is no reciprocal self-disclosure that you typically find in a healthy friendship. In a codependent friendship, intimacy is derived from a dysfunctional dynamic where one friend is regularly distressed or in crisis and the other friend listens to and rescues them. Your friend is always in need of rescuing, but the reverse isn’t true.

You don’t spend adequate time on yourself

Because the relationship is focused on one individual’s needs, that means that your needs aren’t being met. Whether that’s self-care, or simply addressing your issues and problems, you are preoccupied with your friend’s life and their problems, rather than your own. If you find that your life is a shambles, but you are investing inordinate amounts of time trying to resolve your friend’s problems, that is a sign of an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship.

You feel lonely in the relationship.

In a healthy relationship between equals, you meet mutual needs. In a codependent relationship, the relationship is oriented around the needs of one person. When your needs aren’t met, that can lead to a devastating kind of loneliness.

You rely on one friend for all your needs, including support and validation.

Another of the signs of codependency in a relationship is that you look to one particular friend to meet all your emotional and other needs. Having a good friend does not mean that you exclude others in your life.

You have poor boundaries.

Every healthy relationship has boundaries. These enable you to retain a sense of yourself. Boundaries remind you that your own needs and thoughts are distinct from those of other people. Having a boundary means you’re able to guard your time, your space, and resources, which is good for you and allows you to enter more meaningfully into relationships with others.

However, in a codependent relationship, those boundaries tend to not be enforced or respected. You’ll drop everything to be present and available for your friend, even when it is a major inconvenience and disrupts your life. For example, you might have an important job interview, but you skip it because your friend just had a crisis. You might be late with your rent because your friend needed money.

When you try and enforce those boundaries, either you violate them or your friend does, which leads to an enmeshment between you two. This enmeshment due to the lack of boundaries can make it hard to assert individual choices or opinions in the friendship.

It becomes difficult for the “giver” to assert their own needs, especially where these differ from the “taker’s” needs and opinions. The “giver” may even find themselves feeling guilty for wanting to meet their own needs or express contrary opinions. This leads them to often either deny their needs and concerns for fear of hurting the other person’s feelings or avoiding difficult but necessary conversations to spare the other person’s feelings.

Enmeshment exists when one person experiences the same feelings as the other through extreme empathy. Your emotions no longer flow from within and tell you what’s going on with you, but rather they are dictated by your friend and their mood.

Jealousy arises if a third party enters the picture.

In healthy friendships, you expect and appreciate that both of you have other people in your lives to turn to and rely upon. Within the unhealthy dynamic of a codependent friendship, that appreciation doesn’t exist and is replaced by jealousy, whether on the giver’s side or the taker’s side.

What Can Be Done About Signs of Codependency

There are a few steps to take if you find that you’re in a codependent relationship.

Firstly, understand where you are and how you got there. Take steps to unpack your friendship and how the unhealthy dynamic between you developed. This may require the help of a counselor who can walk with you as you try to understand your part in things, and why you may gravitate toward codependent relationships.

Secondly, you need to learn how to establish and enforce boundaries. This implies a major shift in how you relate to each other as friends. It may even require you to take a break from the friendship if you find that the new dynamic of a healthy relationship isn’t being maintained. Establishing boundaries means that you need to learn to validate your thoughts, feelings, and needs.

Lastly, if you’re the taker, it is important to begin to give more and take less in your friendship. This means doing work on yourself even as you learn to be more interested in your friend’s life and needs.

Getting Help Recognizing Signs of Codependency

The steps can be named, but they are often not easy to do without the support. You may find that the assistance of a Christian counselor in Oak Harbor, Washington will be a good choice to help you through the process of healing, changing mindsets, and establishing healthy relational patterns. Contact our office today to schedule an appointment with me or one of the other therapists at Oak Harbor Christian Counseling in Washington.