Family Rifts: Causes, Impact, and How to Address Them

The people that we spend the most time with have the greatest opportunity to know and love us, but they also have the greatest potential to hurt us because they are so close to us. Our closest relationships have the potential of going either way, and when things go awry, that can have a massive impact on one’s well-being.

What Is a “family rift”?

Families can be tight knit, with family members being involved in each other’s lives, knowing what each other’s struggles are, and standing in the gap to support each other when they need it.

In such families, each member can be vulnerable, sharing their needs, and carrying the openness to receive help if needed. There may be a healthy interdependence between family members, and they share significant life moments with each other, such as baptisms, birthdays, or the holidays.

Other family situations will differ from this. They may not be tight knit, but they still care for each other, even if they are not involved in every facet of each other’s life. Such families have a warmth and self-understanding of their own. It may be read as distant by some, but it works for the family, suiting their personalities and needs. Such families are still functional, and the relationships are healthy.

There are still other kinds of family situations where there is a rift, or gap. A distance exists between them, whether physical or emotional. There is little to no involvement with each other, and it can be fractious, cold, or distant. The family members do not get along with one another for one reason or another. They do not necessarily count on each other, or they may consider themselves connected only by blood ties.

The Causes of Family Rifts

While families can take different forms, a family rift describes a situation in which there is a lack of cohesion, support, mutual appreciation, and a sense of belonging in that family unit. A variety of situations and experiences, including the following can cause such a rift:

Unresolved conflict Arguments about money, about how a family member was treated, or about betrayals such as infidelity, can cause family members to take sides or simply distance themselves from other family members.

Abuse or mistreatment. If one or more family members feel mistreated or have been abused sexually, verbally, emotionally, or physically abused at the hands of another family member, that family member may distance themselves from the rest. This can be further exacerbated if factions form within the family in support of one or another family member.

Lack of support. If someone is going through a rough time and their family does not come through for them in a way that is meaningful to them, that can create emotional distance between family members.

Miscommunication or misunderstandings People say and do things that may be read as offensive, even if they are not intended that way. We are not always the best listeners. Our communication styles often send the wrong message, and we do not always respond well to criticism.

This means we can say hurtful things without malice and misinterpret other’s words. This is a recipe for conflict and offense, which can be exacerbated by further miscommunication.

Indifference Relationships can drift apart if people are not intentional about investing in each other. A family can find itself in a situation where the members are living their own lives, and they just do not know how to reconnect. That indifference may itself be rooted in something else, such as a lack of connection.

Misalignment of values A rift can develop between people because they struggle to appreciate their respective values, life experiences, and priorities. This may include political and religious values that may differ between family members, and where they struggle to find common ground or a way of speaking respectfully to each other.

That misalignment of values can lead to family members not appreciating each other, or it can lead to one trying to impose their values on the other, and they can potentially end up distrusting each other.

Competitiveness A family can be a space where people with different gifts and temperaments get together and support each other toward their goals. One of the dysfunctions that can settle in a family is competitiveness between family members.

Parents may encourage it among their children, and in some cases, it also exists between parents and their children. That competitiveness turns the familial relationship adversarial, and things can get ugly from there.

Unmet expectations or broken promises Being trustworthy helps to build bonds and foster deeper intimacy. People need to know they can rely on each other’s word, and that they can act in certain ways because those around them say what they mean and mean what they say.

Breaches in trust can happen when a child lies about their grades or about taking drugs; parents can disappoint their children by not keeping their word. The rifts formed as a result may be miniscule, but they can expand over time as more expectations are not met, or more promises are broken.

How Family Rifts Affect People

When a rift exists in a family, the impact of that can be immense. It can mean, for instance, that one does not have a vital support network, and that can affect someone’s mental, emotional, and physical health. While friends can form this support network, family is often the first port of call, one that ought to stick with you through thick and thin. Not having that support structure in place means having to find it elsewhere.

In addition, depending on the type or the underlying cause of a family rift, it can undermine the health of future relationships. For instance, children whose parents get divorced will often struggle with making commitments of their own in future romantic relationships. If the rift is the result of issues of parental abandonment or neglect, one can struggle to form healthy attachments, leading to stunted relationships with others.

Addressing Family Rifts Effectively – The Place of Christian Family Counseling

Family rifts can be an unacknowledged reality that a family lives with, or it can be an open. If you find that your family is lacking connection for some reason, acknowledging this is an important first step. Open conversation can allow a family to explore what is happening among them, and to begin facing what is keeping them apart.

Exploring the reasons why a family rift happened, working through the dynamics that the family displays now, and charting a healthy way forward is a process that a Christian family counselor can help with. Your family counselor can create a safe space for family members to express and articulate their thoughts and experiences, and for each member to begin recognizing how their actions affect other family members.

Some families may be hesitant to speak with a counselor, whether because of privacy concerns, or because part of the culture in the family is to keep things away from the eyes of outsiders. In other situations, the family may feel there is a social stigma attached to counseling.

Be assured that professional counseling is confidential, and the key thing to keep in mind is the health and well-being of your family. Christian family counseling is an effective way to address a variety of issues in a family. Your counselor can help by providing you with the tools you need to communicate clearly, resolve conflict effectively and creatively, and support each other meaningfully.

If there is a deep misunderstanding, mistrust, or misalignment of values in your family, you can take the crucial step of reaching out to a family counselor and begin your journey toward healing the rift between you. Call our offices today so we can assist you in making that connection to a qualified professional from our extensive directory of Christian counselors.