6 Things to Remember If Your Loved One Has ADHD

As a neurotypical person, it can be hard to understand how people with ADHD function and why they do the things they do. Even when the diagnosis makes sense and now there is a logical explanation for their behavior, it can still be difficult to know how to connect with them.

Those with ADHD have many private struggles and experience hardships that they can’t articulate. Having some insight and understanding of the disorder will help you be patient and supportive of them in the times that they need it.

6 Things to Remember If Your Loved One Has ADHD

Their brain is literally wired differently

ADHD is classified as a neurodevelopmental disorder, which means that the nervous system and the brain have developed differently from those of neurotypical people. People with ADHD are not less intelligent, nor are they flawed; they are different. These differences are significant, however, and they tend to make life difficult for people with ADHD.

The differences in a person with ADHD’s brain ultimately affect their emotions, mood, the way they react to stimuli, the way they retain information, and even their impulse control. Besides having notably different structures from those of neurotypical people, a person with ADHD’s brain has functional differences, neurochemical differences, and network differences.

The differences are not minor. They impact your loved one’s attention span, focus, speech, ability to organize, the way they see the passing of time, and other crucial functions that you might take for granted. They are quite literally wired differently.

Understandably, you might lose your patience with them from time to time. Try to remember, though, that their forgetfulness, time blindness, disorganization, and unusual quirks are often as frustrating to them as they are to you.

If you haven’t seen much evidence of these peculiarities, it may be because they have learned to mask the majority of their unusual behavior from the public. This is a mentally and emotionally taxing instinct that many people with ADHD perform, and they do it to avoid being judged or rejected by others. The most loving thing you can do for them is to offer a safe, nonjudgmental space for them to be themselves.

Their forgetfulness isn’t personal and is probably something they are working on

It’s no secret that those with ADHD tend to be more forgetful than most people. They might frequently forget meetings, important dates, or entire conversations. When this happens, it’s easy to feel frustrated or even betrayed, but they are not being forgetful on purpose. What’s more, they are likely doing their best to be less forgetful. Give them a break and offer to help them remember important things that they would otherwise struggle with.

Forgetfulness among those with ADHD is to do with their brain structure, once again. Most people have a natural ability to control their impulses, filter their communication, remember information, and manage their time. This is called executive function.

People with ADHD have something called executive dysfunction, meaning that they do not have these abilities or can only perform them with tremendous effort. In addition to executive dysfunction, most of those with ADHD struggle with not being able to maintain regular sleep patterns. This alone can have a disastrous effect on their memory.

It’s hard for them to make simple decisions

The ability to perform simple tasks is an important part of a neurotypical brain. This includes things like making decisions.

In a single day, most people have to make countless decisions, from what to wear and eat at meals to high-stakes, demanding decisions that cannot be made in a hurry. The primary area of your brain responsible for performing these tasks is a complex zone known as the prefrontal cortex.

It begins developing in infancy and comes to maturity around twenty-five years old. It is the reason you can plan, regulate your emotions, understand complex issues, manage your attitude, and plan.

By contrast, the prefrontal cortex of a person with ADHD develops more slowly, maturing only in their late twenties or early thirties. Besides this, their prefrontal cortex is generally smaller in size and remains partially underdeveloped even later in life.

If you wonder why your loved one with ADHD seems stuck in a child-like mode, this might be the explanation. Avoid being condescending with them. Instead, have the same patience with them that you would afford a child.

They are frequently emotionally dysregulated, and that’s exhausting for them

You might have experienced emotional dysregulation at some point in your life. It is when you feel out of control of your emotions, and they feel intense and disconnected from anything particular. You might have seethed with anger as you heard your partner breathing, or burst into tears while seeing a cheesy advertisement on TV.

With neurotypicals, these mood swings are usually connected to hormones (in both men and women), outside stressors, pregnancy, menopause, or menstrual cycles. However, for many with ADHD, this is a daily experience.

Overblown emotional reactions to something minor, unpredictable emotions, or struggling to calm down from any intense emotion are common for someone with ADHD. That doesn’t mean to say it’s an easy thing to handle. It isn’t for you, and it certainly isn’t for them either.

Not everyone with ADHD will experience it to the same degree, and it might be worse at certain times, but it is one of the many struggles of living with the disorder. Work with them to help them find a way of coping with the dysregulation, and don’t give up on them.

They will procrastinate, but it might be more complex than you realize

Having a brain that doesn’t allow for easy organization or time-keeping will result in missed deadlines, rescheduled appointments, and irate bosses. We tend to judge others according to our abilities and hold them to standards we have no problem maintaining. However, most people with ADHD either can’t function in the same way as everyone else or are afraid to.

The tendency to procrastinate often comes from perfectionism and a fear of rejection. Many with ADHD are aware of their shortcomings and have been emotionally scarred by falling short all of their lives.

Perfectionism is a form of mental and emotional paralysis, and so many people with ADHD become a self-fulfilling prophecy. They want to do their best, but they focus so intently on the task that they miss the deadline, resulting in less than perfect results. This is often an extremely tender topic for those with ADHD, so proceed with caution and a lot of grace if you intend to talk with them about it.

They are trying harder than you realize

ADHD is a complicated disorder, but one thing that is universally true for someone with ADHD is that they are putting in more effort and generally trying harder than most people realize. In any field, whether academic, corporate, creative, or emotional, they are likely trying to appear as neurotypical. That’s besides the energy required of them to do their job, stay focused, regulate their emotions, and produce perfect results.

Many people with ADHD tend to be private people who make space for a handful of trusted friends in their lives. This is often because it’s easier for them to be alone or around people who understand and accept them for who they are.

Having a loved one with ADHD means having the opportunity to learn and grow in sensitivity, grace, and patience. No one wants to be condescended to, but everyone wants to know that they are worth making an effort for.

Many with ADHD are diagnosed late in life and have spent the majority of their lives struggling with simple tasks and executive dysfunction. The more you learn about the disorder, the more you can help them understand themselves. Nothing feels better than feeling seen, understood, and loved, despite the differences, or maybe because of them.

ADHD is a complex disorder that affects people to different degrees. If you would like more information or support in dealing with ADHD, we recommend meeting with a counselor. If you would like to meet with a counselor, contact us to learn about the resources available to you and your loved one.