8 Ways That You Might Be Abandoning Yourself

If you have a past that has left you with abandonment trauma, then it might affect you in one of two major ways. You might struggle with trusting people. You might not easily let your guard down, always wary that people will reject you or exit your life unexpectedly. On the other hand, you might spend a good amount of energy pleasing others, meeting their expectations, and trying not to fail them.

Abandonment trauma is a complex form of anxiety. You might swing between being a people-pleaser and being emotionally aloof. Either way, there is a good chance that abandonment trauma is causing you to abandon yourself.

The good news is that you have an opportunity for self-reflection and understanding. You can heal even from complex trauma. The hard news is that it takes effort and might leave you feeling uncomfortable and exposed. The truth does set us free, but it can also make us uncomfortable.

You are learning, growing, and giving yourself a chance for healing simply by reading on the subject of abandonment trauma, so well done. You have already begun taking steps to ensure a more secure future for yourself and those around you.

The Cycles of Abandonment

Some trauma, like neglect and abandonment, is normalized if we face it from a young age. Most people carry abandonment issues into their adult lives as a result of being neglected as children. They might have grown up in busy, noisy households where their voices went unheard, and their safety or comfort weren’t prioritized. Alternatively, they might have had aloof caretakers who rarely connected with them.

We tend to repeat the behavior we experienced in our formative years because that is what feels most normal to us. This means that, as children, we develop ways of coping and getting what we need and then continue that behavior as adults.

For example, a child might have only been given attention or affection when they accomplished something. This could easily lead them to be afraid of failure because they believed that succeeding at something brought love and affection from their parents, while failure always led them to be ignored and possibly punished.

As that person grows, they will find themselves going above and beyond for everyone else. They might see themselves as an achiever, or a hard worker, but most of their actions are fear-based; they are afraid of failure because failure means rejection and abandonment.

They might push themselves to the point of exhaustion, ignoring rest and not replenishing their souls, all because they are afraid of losing some meaningful form of acceptance or affection. They have abandoned themselves in the pursuit of someone or something else.

Self-abandonment looks different for each person, but abandonment trauma will almost always cause some type of self-abandonment. Self-abandonment does not only occur with people-pleasers either. Those who are intimacy-avoidant and distrustful of people deny themselves the joy and richness of relationships by never allowing themselves to get close to anyone.

The path to healing from abandonment trauma begins with self-reflection, and you might have to acknowledge how you are abandoning yourself before you begin working on the rest of the issues.

Eight Ways That You Might Be Abandoning Yourself

1. Putting other’s needs before your own

This is a common one for people-pleasers, and it can be so ingrained that you don’t even see it happening. It might genuinely feel good to place other’s needs ahead of you, but if you never receive anything in return, you are giving from an empty bucket. It’s only a matter of time before you begin feeling resentment and sadness because some part of you still needs to be cared for.

2. Negative self-talk

It might feel normal to speak harshly to yourself, to the point you don’t even realize you are doing it. A good test to see how common negative self-speech is for you is to pay yourself a compliment. Follow that up with a second and third compliment.

Did it feel natural? Could you think of three sincere praises for yourself? If you struggle to accept praise, but you are fluent in cursing yourself, you are perpetuating the cycle of abandonment trauma in your life. Just as givers need to learn to receive, people who praise others but not themselves need to learn some positive adjectives and direct them to the mirror. There is a part of you that is desperate for a genuine compliment.

3. Not voicing your needs, preferences, opinions, or points of view

If you grew up with many siblings or distracted parents, then you might have concluded that your voice doesn’t matter. You go along with anything. You don’t want to feel like “a bother,” and you have trouble making choices, all because you think your opinion doesn’t count or your preferences are not an option. This is a form of self-abandonment because your preferences, needs, and opinions are important and do matter.

4. Ignoring your emotions

Similar to the previous point, there is a good chance that you are out of touch with your emotions. You might feel like it’s pointless to express your emotions, and there is a good chance that you struggle to even identify what emotions you are feeling. Emotions don’t truly go away though. Pushing them down just means that they pop up somewhere else, usually in your physical health.

5. Taking the blame for things for which you are not responsible

How easily do you say sorry? How many times a week do you find yourself apologizing for stuff? It’s healthy to take responsibility for our mistakes, but if we are assuming the blame for errors we did not make, what we are trying to do is draw attention and sympathy to ourselves. There are healthier ways of getting attention.

6. Not asking for or accepting help when you need it

Not being able to reach out or receive care when you need it shows underlying trust issues. You fear being rejected or abandoned, so you remain self-reliant. This is a form of self-abandonment because you cannot provide yourself with everything you need all the time.

7. Neglecting your health and happiness

When people get stuck in life, it usually shows up in their bodies eventually. Physical health and emotional well-being are connected. Activities like comfort eating, bed-rotting, or substance use are usually the ways people deal with being overwhelmed in life because each of these activities releases feel-good hormones. In the long run, these types of coping methods keep us stuck, and we don’t receive what we truly need.

8. Self-isolating

It feels safe to stick by yourself, especially when you struggle with connecting with others. If you are introverted, your own company and personal space are comforting. However, you might be missing the part of yourself that is lonely and craving company. If you have gotten to the point where you are neglecting already established friends and relationships, you are participating in your self-abandonment. You need people.

There is hope

Your past or present does not dictate your future. You can begin to prioritize yourself, either in the form of rest from people-pleasing or leaning into relationships and trust. The journey isn’t easy, and you would benefit from having someone who is for you by your side. There is hope.

If you would like to incorporate counseling as part of your healing plan, we can help. Contact us via phone or email to learn more. We can match you with an appropriate counselor for the issues you are facing. Begin your journey today.