A Christian Counselor talks about Personality Traits that Perpetuate Anxiety, Part 1

Part 1 of a 2-Part Personality Traits that Perpetuate Anxiety Series

If you are prone to anxiety, you probably identify with certain personality traits. Not all of these traits are negative — for example, they can include creativity, intuitive ability, emotional sensitivity, empathy, and amiability. These traits can endear you to those who are close to you. Other traits, however, tend to exacerbate your anxiety and interfere with your self-confidence. This article is the first in a three-part series that looks at four common personality traits that anxious individuals often need to deal with.

Personality Traits 1: Perfectionism as a Cause of Anxiety

Perfectionism has two components. First, perfectionistic people tend to have unrealistic expectations about themselves, others, and life. When something doesn’t meet your standards you become disappointed or critical. Second, you have a tendency to be over-concerned with your flaws, mistakes, or accomplishments. The problem is that you emphasize the negative and often fail to recognize what is positive. As a perfectionist, I suspect that you also struggle with your self-esteem. You tend to be critical of your day to day involvements and convince yourself that nothing is good enough. This perfectionism creates chronic stress, exhaustion, and burnout. “You should,” “must,” or “have to” are statements that indicate how you push forward out of anxiety, rather than from another need or motivation. Overcoming perfectionism will require a necessary shift in your attitude toward yourself and in how you approach your life in general. Dr. Edmund Bourne in his anxiety workbook offers seven practical steps to help you begin to make that shift.

Step #1: Your Worth is Not Determined by Your Achievements and Accomplishments

Exterior accomplishments are certainly the way our culture weighs a person’s worth. The question is, are you going to allow the culture to define your value as a person? The value of a person cannot be limited to the car we drive, the title we possess, or how much money we have in the bank. Our society ascribes value to pets and plants simply by virtue of their existence. You need to begin to understand that your worth is a given. You have inherent worth just because you are here. Be willing to recognize and affirm your worth apart from your accomplishments.

Step #2: Recognize and Overcome Perfectionist Styles of Thinking

Perfectionism is recognized in the way that you talk to yourself. “Should/must thinking,” “all or nothing thinking,” and “overgeneralization” speak of a perfectionist attitude. But consider that there are alternatives to perfectionistic thinking. Some examples are: “I should be able to do this right,” versus “I’ll do the best I can.” “I must not make mistakes,” versus “It’s okay to make mistakes.” “This is all wrong,” versus “There are some parts of it that are okay and some that need attention.” “I always foul things up,” versus “I will go back and make the necessary corrections.” It would be helpful for you to make an effort to note your thoughts and statements. Pay special attention to the use of the words “should,” “must,” “have to,” “always,” “never,” “all,” or “none.”

Step #3: Stop Magnifying the Importance of Small Errors

One of the most problematic aspects of being a perfectionist is that you constantly focus on your small flaws and errors. Perfectionists are quick to be very hard on themselves for a small mistake that has insignificant consequences. How important will that error be a month or a year from now? Please understand that mistakes and failures bring about real learning.

Step #4: Focus on the Positives

While you always seem to notice your shortcomings, you tend to discount your positive accomplishments. You selectively ignore your positive qualities and focus on the negative. Make an effort to not only accept your imperfection but to take note of the good things you do on a daily basis.

Step #5: Work on Goals that are Realistic

Are the goals you set for yourself realistic? Would you set them or expect anyone else to achieve them? It would be helpful to do a reality check with a friend, loved one, or a Christian counselor in order to determine if a given goal is attainable or reasonable. You may find that you need to adjust your goals to be in line with the limiting factors of time, energy, and resources. If your self-worth really comes from within rather than from what you achieve, you will be able to do this. Acceptance of your personal limitations is the ultimate test of self-love.

Step #6: Cultivate More Pleasure and Recreation in your Life

Perfectionism has a way of causing people to sacrifice their own needs in favor of external goals. It can cause you to become self-denying and rigid. Ultimately, this tendency can lead to a stifling of the pure joy of life and of creativity. Pleasurable activities, hobbies, and simply enjoying life can help to reverse this trend.

Step #7: Develop a Process Orientation

Do you look at life as all or nothing or as a process? I enjoy sports and if I play I like to win. But if I channel my energies into winning at all costs, I then lose the enjoyment of the activity. Do you channel your energies into winning at all costs or do you enjoy the process of living each and every day? To get the most enjoyment out of life, it is best to place value on the process of doing things, and not just on the product or accomplishment.

Personality Trait 2: Excessive Need for Approval

Individuals with healthy self-esteem, who are not chronic worriers or prone to anxiety, are able to put into perspective any disapproval or criticism they may experience. If you feel like this, then what people think will not destroy your inner security. Though most of us like the approval of others, a person with a positive self-esteem will not be dependent on the approval of others. On the other hand, if you suffer from low self-worth, and lack inner security, you may need the approval of others to feel good about yourself. The long-term consequence of always accommodating and pleasing others at the expense of yourself is that you end up with a lot of frustration and resentment over not taking care of your own basic needs.

People who have an extreme need for approval don’t make waves. They avoid conflict because someone may disapprove of them. They work hard to keep relationships going no matter what the cost and will do anything to avoid conflict, even if it means agreeing to things they don’t like. They try to meet everyone else’s needs but ignore their own needs for fear of being rejected, and they can agonize over possible reactions to a decision they may want to make. These individuals believe that nothing they do will bring enough approval. They are easily defeated and quit if things don’t go their way. If you need to seek approval you can find yourself at the mercy of the very people from whom you want a response. Needing excessive approval can easily lead you into a position of being used while others may be turned off by your need for approval from them and never give it.

Ways to Overcome the Excessive Need for Approval

There are many ways to get over the need you have for others’ approval. Begin by developing a realistic view of other people’s approval. When people don’t express the approval you are looking for, how do you receive it? Do you take it personally and allow it to add weight to your lack of self-worth? The next time you feel put off or rejected, take a moment to calm down and think about whether the person is reacting to something you did, or whether they may be upset about something that has nothing to do with you. Ask yourself if you are taking the other person’s remarks or response too personally.

Another question to ask yourself is whether you deal with personal criticism in an objective way? Not being able to handle criticism is a sign that you have this need for excessive approval. It is possible to change your attitude toward criticism by ignoring the critical remarks that are unfounded and accepting the constructive criticisms that help you grow. A good place to begin is by evaluating the source of the criticism. Who is criticizing you? Is the person qualified to criticize you? Do they know enough about you, your skills, or the subject involved to make a reasonable assessment? Do they have a bias that would disqualify them from drawing a reasonable conclusion? You can dilute the sting of a person’s comments by asking the right questions. Another good thing to do is ask for details. Don’t accept a blanket judgment void of any specific content or detail. Furthermore, decide whether the criticism has some validity. If it has merit it may sting a little, but that is how we grow. If the criticism lacks validity it can be discarded as irrelevant and as an absurd comment of the uninformed.

Christian Counseling Can Empower You to Confront Your Anxiety

If anxiety is something that you battle with, and if you relate to the personality traits described above, consider giving me a call. As someone who has battled with perfectionism and the need for the approval of others, I have personal insight into your struggle. You will find that Christian counseling can be a powerful resource for someone struggling with anxiety. Christian counseling provides a safe place in which you can begin to create the change that can overcome the challenges you are facing. Please reach out to us here to discover more.

References
Bourne, E.J. (2010). The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, (5^th ed). Oakland: New Harbinger Publications.

Photos
Photos from FlickrCreative Commons: “Driver Photographer,” courtesy of Driver Photographer, (CC BY-SA 2.0); “Tom Approved,” slightly cropped and vignette, courtesy of Bert Heymans, (CC BY-SA 2.0); “I Need a Hug Please 365.177,” courtesy of Dyanna Hyde, (CC BY-SA 2.0)