Building Trust After Porn Addiction: A Christian Counselor’s Advice to Husbands

Healthy marriages are built on a secure foundation of trust. When a husband succeeds in preserving trust in his marriage, he enables his wife to rely wholly upon his love and commitment to her. The moment his wife discovers that he is dealing with a pornography addiction, this trust is broken. This loss of trust often creates painful ripple effects that are felt in all areas of their marriage. Married couples in such instances immediately find themselves faced with the dilemma of having to rebuild the foundation of trust between the partners. This article suggests three concrete steps that a husband can take to rebuild trust in his marriage after having disclosed his struggle with a pornography addiction or other form of sexual addiction.

Step One: Be Willing to Do Whatever it Takes

One of the most important things a husband can do in the process of rebuilding trust is to show his wife that he is willing to do whatever it takes to overcome his pornography addiction. For many husbands, this will include:

• Starting the counseling process. This may initially involve both individual and couples counseling in order to address the addiction and begin the work necessary to rebuild the marriage.
• Participating in a twelve-step sexual addiction recovery group for men.
• Avoiding further relapses.
• Becoming accountable to a trusted male friend or family member.
• Placing a proven internet and accountability software filter on their smartphone, tablet, and computer, or restricting access to these devices altogether.
• Making a diligent effort to provide the type of support specifically being requested by their spouse (e.g. being more present around the home, talking about the addiction, getting rid of their smartphone, etc)

A husband who readily begins to take action to address his addiction, and who consistently displays an unwavering willingness to do so, provides his wife with a level of assurance that the process of change has at the very least started. A husband who engages the recovery process from this perspective also helps his spouse to start the very difficult process of bringing down the emotional walls that serve as a basis for her own self-protection. However, a husband who wavers in his willingness to do whatever it takes further reinforces his spouse’s need to maintain her emotional walls and makes it increasingly difficult for her to trust again.

Step Two: Engage the Battle to Reclaim Her Heart

Men who are seeking to recover from a pornography addiction are engaging in two crucial battles at the same time. The first is a fight to reclaim their own sense of identity, to renew their minds, and to overcome the symptoms of the addiction. The second is a battle to reclaim the heart of their spouse, who has been deeply wounded emotionally by the addiction. Both battles are vitally important, yet I want to focus here on how husbands can wage this second battle since it is a significant part of the trust-building process.

A husband begins to reclaim the heart of his wife when he expresses a consistent willingness to do whatever it takes to overcome his pornography addiction. He makes further inroads to reclaiming her heart, and to regaining her trust when he proactively:

• Makes time to listen to what she is going through emotionally.
• Frequently affirms her value and worth.
• Stays present in difficult conversations related to the addiction and refuses to run from her hurt and frustration when it is expressed.
• Tenderly reassures her that he will make every effort to protect their marriage and care for her in the recovery process.
• Has an open dialogue with her about any progress or setbacks experienced in the recovery process.

The degree to which a husband remains sensitive to what his wife is going through emotionally will largely determine how quickly she is able to trust again. This enables her to believe that true change has occurred in him since the addiction was revealed.

Step Three: Be Consistent Over Time

If there is anything else I would emphasize, it would be how important it is for a husband to remain consistent in his efforts over the long haul to overcome the pornography addiction and to reclaim the heart of his spouse. There are very few things his wife will be able to hold onto as a basis for trusting again, aside from his actions. Words alone will most likely carry very little weight in her mind, especially in cases when he lied to her or kept her in the dark about his addiction. As a result, she has to evaluate his actions over time for evidence as to whether he will be trustworthy again.

Christian Counseling Can Help You to Rebuild Trust in Your Marriage

Effectively working through the damaging effects of a pornography addiction is very difficult and often requires the help of a professional counselor. As a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, a significant part of my practice as a Christian counselor centers on helping husbands and their wives work through the overall effects of a pornography addiction, and also make inroads to rebuilding the trust and emotional security they desire to experience in their marriage. For more information on my clinical practice, and on how you can start the Christian counseling process, please reach out by clicking here.

 

Photos
All images used for this article are the sole property of Eric Gomez, MS LMFT MHP.