Can Christian Couples Watch Porn Together? A Counselor’s Perspective

I want to begin by addressing the question, “How do you define pornography?” I would apply a strict view of the definition, to include any content that seeks to exploit human sexuality for purposes of entertainment, pleasure, or profit. I recognize not all individuals hold such a definitive view. However, I believe this stance is important for it reinforces the worldview that every human life, and the sexuality inherent within that life, is sacred and never meant to be devalued, abused, or exploited.

The Challenge of Defining ‘Pornography’

The necessity of clearly defining what pornography is becomes apparent when you consider that within our American culture you can easily identify multiple forms of pornographic-like content, which have not been given the label “pornographic.”

Consider films containing nudity, scenes of sexual intercourse, or sexual innuendo. Although the degree of explicit content may differ from currently recognized forms of pornography, the exploitation of human sexuality for purposes of entertainment and profit is still present.

It is clear that within our American culture, we have yet to fully wrestle with distinctions between entertainment and exploitation. Couples who consider viewing pornography should understand such distinctions, and the ramifications set forth hereafter.

 How Porn Addiction Affects the Mind

One of the most powerful arguments against a couple viewing pornographic material, is the impact pornography has on the human mind.

• Dr. William Struthers (2009) writes, “Pornography and our response to it alter our brain in a way that is difficult to undo.”  He further states, “Because we are embodied beings, the impact of viewing pornography hijacks the normal functioning of the brain and the maladaptive patterns we adopt have profound psychological and behavioral effects. It affects not only how we form memories and make attachments but also how we understand sexuality and how we view each other (Struthers, 2011).”
• Gordon Bruin (2008) also describes on the impact of pornography on the mind, noting the process of pornography addiction beginning with experimentation and ending with continued use despite negative consequences. He explains how the mind adapts, needing increased dosages of pornography as use continues over time.
• Hilton and Watts (2011) report how “all addictions create, in addition to chemical changes in the brain, anatomical and pathological changes which result in various manifestations of cerebral dysfunction,” such as damage to the “braking system” of the brain.” They further highlight specific studies which “conclude that a sexual compulsion can cause physical, anatomic change in the brain, the hallmark of brain addiction.”

Statements like these highlight the significant cognitive downsides for any individual or couple who decide to engage in use of pornography.

How Pornography Can Affect Your Relationship

There are varied opinions as to whether a couple viewing pornography together can serve to enhance their sexual relationship. My clinical experience providing therapy for dating and married couples has driven me to the conclusion that couples who view pornography greatly damage their sexual relationship and their overall relational bond. These couples directly report the emotional and relational trauma suffered as a result of such use. That such damage exists and can be lasting is undeniable.

Couples who use pornography to enhance their sex life should recognize they make themselves vulnerable to:

• Needing more of it down the line to be sexually stimulated.
• Having to face the insecurities which may develop in one or both members around sexual performance or body image.
• The emotional symptoms of guilt and shame which often accompany use of pornography.
• Decreased sexual attraction to their partner.

On this last point, Staley and Prause (2012) state, “Viewing visually sexual stimuli may compromise idealistic perceptions of a romantic partner’s physical appearance or the adequacy of the couple’s sexual behaviors. This could reduce satisfaction with both the partner and the relationship.” Clearly, this is no small effect.

Viewing pornography together can also severely damage the overall emotional trust and security in the relationship:

• If one member continues to use after the other has refused to further view pornography. This is a legitimate possibility considering pornography’s addictive qualities.
• If either member’s use is deemed as a betrayal of the marriage and sexual bond.
• If insecurities arise around whether one’s partner is focused on having sex with them or the pornographic images in their mind.

No healthy couple ever wants to face these negative elements in their relationship, and they are very difficult to overcome.

Learn More through Christian Marriage Counseling

If you are really interested in spicing up your sex life, learn to develop the emotional security in your relationship, whereby you can freely address the desires or concerns you have regarding sex, and make changes accordingly. Couples counseling  can be a powerful resource to help you with this process, and with the overall aim of cultivating deep intimacy in your relationship and sex life.

At Seattle Christian Counseling, we know that each marriage is unique and we will tailor our couple’s therapy to your relationship. Drawing on insight from the Bible and from proven therapeutic techniques, we can help you learn how to meaningfully express your passion for your spouse, both in sex and beyond.

References
–Struthers, W. M. (2009). Wired for Intimacy: How pornography hijacks the male brain. Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press. 
– Struthers, W. M. (2011). The effects of porn on the male brain. Christian Research Journal,34, 5.
– Hilton, D.L., & Watts, C. (2011). Pornography addiction: A neuroscience perspective. Surgical Neurology International, 2, 19.
– Bruin, G.S. (2008). Innergold treatment manual: Understanding and treating pornography / sexual addiction. Pleasant Grove, UT: Innergold Counseling Services, Inc.
– Staley, C., & Prause, N. (2012). Erotica Viewing Effects on Intimate Relationships and Self/Partner Evaluations. Archives of sexual behavior, 1-10.

Photos
Adam Selwood (Caution Watch Your Step), License: Creative Commons