Christian Counseling for Couples to Process Emotions in Relationships

All relationships bring out emotions in us. But how do we process emotions in relationships? Why is it that sometimes we respond irrationally? Why is it that sometimes our partner seems to over react about a simple comment?

Dr. Paul McLean developed a theory called the Triune Brain. Basically, he believes that our brain functions in three levels: thinking brain, emotional brain, survival brain. According to his theory, all levels of the brain are inter-relates, yet they also operate under different motivations and triggers. Under stress or danger, the survival and emotional brain respond immediately, sometimes distorting the information received by the thinking brain.

For example, a woman was attacked in her childhood by a dog. The wounds inflicted by the animal required surgery and the trauma of the attack remains. On one occasion, the woman visits a friend, as her friend opens the door to welcome her in, a friendly black lab bounces towards the door to greet the new visitor. The woman immediately reacts by quickly exiting the house and shutting the door behind her, heart racing, and breaking into a sweat. Her emotional and survival brain quickly responded based on a previous experience, not giving the thinking brain time to process the obvious signs of friendliness from the dog. Yet, no matter how hard she tries to think rationally, all dogs scare her. In order for this woman to visit her friend, the dog has to be in the yard.

The survival brain asks, “Is it safe? Will I survive?” The survival brain also stores memories of dangerous situations and is also responds by our natural need for self-preservation.

The emotional brain asks, “Is it pleasurable? Is it painful?” The emotional brain remembers all emotions associated with events. It is the part of the brain that feels love, hate, despair, joy, grief, etc.  This part of the brain required nurturing, bonding, and protection.

The thinking brain asks, “Is it reasonable? Is it logical?” The thinking brain asks questions and gathers the information necessary to answer those questions. The information processed in the thinking brain first passes through the emotional brain, determining if something is important to us, or affects us. When it comes to relationships, emotions can mislead our thinking brain.

Emotions are deeply engrained in long-term memory. We remember what we feel. When we face situations that remind us of those feelings, we tend to anticipate the same results. In a way, the emotional brain can hijack the thinking brain. The same way, our survival brain can hijack both the thinking and the emotional brain when we feel in danger.

How we process emotions in relationships is often independent from our thinking brain. Think of it as if our emotional brain is not rational, it has its own ways of handling emotions. This is why sometimes we seem to blow things out of proportion, or even why we feel puzzled about our partners behavior. Under emotional responses, often there is a lack in logic.

This is not a free pass for emotional outbursts or irrational responses, but rather a reminder that when we respond emotionally, or our spouse responds emotionally, there is certainly an underlying issue, a reason why we all respond the way we do. So instead of responding back at the emotion, the situation might be an opportunity for you and your partner to discover together the reason behind those responses, and bring logic into the situation without diminishing or ridiculing one another.

So, how do we process our emotions in relationships? Lori H. Gordon, in her book, Passage To Intimacy, says, “The logic of emotion is actually very simple: It is the logic of pleasure and pain. We are drawn to what gives us pleasure and tend to avoid what gives us pain.”

In relationships, we handle emotions this way, and sometimes we get in an unhealthy cycle of interactions solely based on emotion without taking time to analyze the situation. We can all easily fall into this emotional trap, and it can be very difficult to stop and makes sense of our actions and responses.

How do you handle your emotions in your relationships? Do you find yourself in an unhealthy emotional cycle? Christian counseling for couples can help you and your spouse identify unhealthy emotional responses, and help you and your partner navigate those emotions and find a way to overcome those responses. Together, we will look at triggers, and explore why you and your spouse react the way you do.

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