Christian Counseling for Gridlocked Couples

Principal 7 of a Principals of Marriage Series
from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver
Tips and Strategies adapted from exercises in Gottman and Silver’s book

If a nickname is a present a friend gives another friend*, then inside jokes are the glue they occasionally daub on the relationship to keep it secure. People in relationships need something that draws them together. Otherwise, they’ll eventually lose motivation to maintain the relationship and drift apart. Dr. John Gottman calls this a need to “create shared meaning” in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.”

What Do You and Your Spouse Have in Common?

Sometimes you look at couples and just scratch your head over why they got together. They may just seem to have nothing in common, or come from completely different backgrounds. But, somehow, that works for them. Gottman argues you don’t have to be twins; so much as you need to create a marital culture that unites you both. “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together– a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become.” (244)

After all, God designed marriage for two people to come together to form “one flesh.” As some marriage counselors have described it, you are to “leave, cleave, and weave.” You leave behind your life of individualism, form a union you must put before your own needs, and eventually meld with your spouse to form a partnership. It’s kind of like doubles tennis. There are two people responsible for covering “their” part of the court, but they’re always mindful of what their partner is doing. Only one player can respond to each shot, but they work together to make sure they respond appropriately.

You and your spouse should have activities, values, or dreams that are intrinsic to your relationship. Something that brings you together. But as you learned in the last few principles, just because you have a few things you don’t see eye-to-eye about doesn’t mean your relationship can’t work. It’s just a matter of bridging the differences. (244-245)

Finding Common Ground

The best way to understand where you and your partner stand on certain issues is to talk about them. Gottman offers a list of questions for couples to mull over during future fireside chats. You’re not supposed to answer all of them at once, rather “consider them starting-off points for many future discussions.” (250)

Tips and Strategies

Rituals: (252)

While the New Covenant does away with many of the Old Testament rituals, it doesn’t do away altogether with ceremonies. In Luke 7, we see the guilty woman washing Jesus’ feet with her tears and hair out of gratitude for his forgiveness. It wasn’t enough for her to just say, “Thank you,” she needed something sacred to symbolize the strength of her emotion. In John 13, during the final meal before Passover (another ritual) Christ shared with his disciples before going to the cross, he marked the meal by washing each of the men’s feet. He used the ceremony to teach them the importance of sacrificing our pride to serve others. Every new Christian who is able is supposed to be baptized as a symbol of their commitment to the Lord.

The rituals in the New Testament show us the importance of ceremonies for showing others how we feel about them, educating, and marking special occasions.

• What should dinnertime look like for us? Should we all eat together? What significance does it have for each of us? How did our families do dinner while we were growing up?
• How do we want to say goodbye to each other every morning? What did this look like in our families growing up? What should we do when we see each other again?
• What about bedtime?
• What do we like to do during weekends? What did our families usually do?
• Which holidays are important to each of us? How did our families celebrate them? How would we like to celebrate them?
• How does each of us relax and recharge our batteries?

Roles: (255)

As the biblical role of men and women in church, society, and marriage changes depending on who you ask, it’s important you and your spouse let each other know what you believe. Does the husband have final say on every decision? Who will stay home if you have children? Ideally, you should have hammered this all out before you tied the knot, but it never hurts to remind each other where you stand.

• What do you think is your role as husband or wife? What does it mean to you? What do/did you parents’ roles look like? Would you change anything about your role?
• What do you think about your role as father or mother? What does it mean to you? How did your parents carry out their roles? Would you change anything about your role?
• How do you feel about your role as a son or daughter? What does it mean to you? What do your parents expect from your role? Would you change it?
• How do you feel about your role at your job? What does it mean to you? Would you change anything about it?
• What do you think about your role as a friend? What does it mean to you? Would you change anything about it?
• How do you feel about your role as a member of your community? What does it mean to you? Would you change anything about it?
• “How do you balance these roles in your life?”

 Goals: (256-257)

We all want something out of life, whether it’s just a snack or to climb Mt. Everest. Some of our goals are practical– such as finding a snack, whereas, some are spiritual, such as helping underprivileged children in your community. Sometimes it feels scary or awkward to say these goals out loud where others can hear, and possibly ridicule them. But sharing dreams deepens intimacy between spouses.

It can be hard trying to figure out where God wants you to go in life. Should you do a long-term mission trip? Should you join a ministry at church? By telling each other what you hope for your life, you can help each other figure out how you can achieve your dreams and how they might mesh with what God might want for your life.

• Write a “mission statement.” Next, write your obituary. What do they say about you?
• What are your goals for yourself, your spouse, and your children? What would you like to achieve in the next five years? How about 10?
• What is one thing you must check off your bucket list?
• While there are certain ordinary necessities you can’t ignore, what are some significant things in your life that are “great sources of energy and pleasure that you really need to block out time for, the important things that keep getting postponed or crowded out?”
• How does spirituality play a role in your lives? What did it look like in your families? What would you like it to look like in your family?

 Christian Counseling for Complementary Marriages

God did not design men and women to be identical, but rather that spouses would bring complementary elements to their marriage. If you and your spouse are having difficulty seeing where you complement one another, or what common ground you have in your relationships, consider getting in touch with a professional marriage Christian counselor. A counseling session is a great place to have a trained objective observer take a look at your marriage problems and see what you can do to correct them. They’ll use therapeutic techniques and scripture-based principles to guide you through the process of discovering what unique qualities bind your relationship.

*Louis Stevens of Disney’s “Even Stevens” came up with this, not me.

Images cc: freedigitalphotos.net – “Woman in Kitchen Cutting Vegatables” by marin  and “Climber At Cow and Calf Rocks” by Tom Curtis