Christian Counseling for Struggling Singles

References: The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller and Singled Out By God for Good by Paige Benton Brown

Being a single Christian is a mixed bag. On one hand, you have been taught singleness means you have this special “gift” that makes you extra obligated to dedicate your time to furthering God’s kingdom as you don’t have to deal with the responsibilities that come with marriage. On the other hand, you would really like to be married. It does not help that people constantly ask you whether you are seeing anyone and when you are going to get married and why you’re not dating, as if an intentionally-single Christian was a thing that could actually exist.

Paige Benton Brown has a tremendous article about singleness (and her experience with it, she is now married) that speaks to what a lot of well-intentioned church folk have to say about it. The following is an elaboration on some of the points she makes.

1. “As soon as you’re satisfied with God alone, he’ll bring someone special into your life.”

What is wrong with this: God’s determination to bless us has little to do with us achieving a certain level of contentment. This is not a game where you have to earn a certain number of points in order for a certain thing to happen. God acts as he sees fit, not as we have earned. If God waited for us to deserve anything before giving it to us, we would never get anything. God’s grace is free because we can never earn it, and it is the same with a spouse. By saying this to singles, you are telling them people in relationships must be superior Christians because they earned their spouses. And that’s not only untrue it’s just mean.

What is better: We were made for infinite happiness, which is why we are constantly looking for more things to fill up that God-sized well in our hearts, hoping to eventually fill it up. Lonely singles look at people in relationships and think, “If only I had a girlfriend/boyfriend, I could be happy.” But you won’t be. If you think you need a relationship to be happy, you will still be unhappy once you get in that relationship. Every Christian is better off once they learn temporal things will never bring lasting happiness, only an unchanging, infinite God can do that. “Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more. I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods or take up their names on my lips. Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure.” (Psalm 16:4-5 NIV)

2. “You are too picky.”

What is wrong: I am fairly confident that a being who can make the entire universe out of nothing in less than a week can manage to make someone who complements you. God is not thwarted by our “pickiness,” and to suggest he is demonstrates a serious misapprehension about the character of God. “’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’” declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’” (Isaiah 55:8-9)

What is better: You are still single for a reason, but it’s not because God is wringing his hands over the suitors you’ve rejected wondering when you’ll finally accept one. And it probably doesn’t hurt to be at least a smidge particular about deciding whom you’ll spend the remainder of your life with.

3. “As a single person you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord’s work.”

What is wrong: Now, correct me if I’m wrong here, but aren’t all Christians supposed to commit themselves wholeheartedly to the Lord’s work? It is not as if you get married and suddenly you can ask God to please excuse you from taking up your cross and following him. It is not exactly fair to dump the responsibility for furthering the kingdom onto the shoulder’s of your church’s singles because they couldn’t possibly be doing any more with their life than living kid-free and spending their disposable income. Single adults have responsibilities. So do married people – everyone is called to share Christ with the world.

What is better: While life can be stressful and complicated for singles just as it is for married folks, it often lacks the rootedness and eternal obligation of marriage. If you have read much by Jim or Elizabeth Elliott, you remember his five-year reluctance to tie the knot with Elizabeth because he thought he was better suited to South American mission work if he stayed single. Take advantage of your singleness to do things that would be much more complicated if you had a spouse to consider.

How to Get Ready for Marriage

If your longing for marriage frustrates you, consider making an appointment with a professional Christian counselor in Seattle. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married, but if your desire is frustrating or upsetting you, it will be helpful to sit down with someone who can help you figure out why you feel this way and help relieve you of turmoil. The better prepared you are to approach marriage, the fewer marriage problems you will have.

* You’re disappointed in your marriage because marriage is disappointing
References from Tim Keller’s “The Meaning of Marriage”

Photos
Guy Alone– Flickr user Elward Photography
Heart Coffee– Flickr user Vinnie 123