Codependency in Friendships: How to Avoid Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics

One of the hardest things to do is tell a friend the truth, especially a hard truth. We don’t want to hurt our friend. We also don’t want to alienate our friend and find ourselves at odds with ourselves. When you’ve found a good friend, you know it, and you become even more aware of how your life has changed because of the relationship. Nonetheless, a healthy friendship, like any other relationship, is based on truth.

Apart from the hardships that can come our way when we tell a friend the truth, other challenges can crop up when unhealthy patterns mark the friendship. Of these, codependency may be one of the more insidious, as it can easily mask itself as something else while damaging the relationship and both parties in it. Not only is it valuable to know how to identify it, but it can be a huge benefit to know how to avoid it.

Codependency and Friendships – a Thin Line?

There’s nothing quite like a good friend with whom you can do life. We aren’t built to do life by ourselves, and various relationships, like friendships, are part of what makes life feel full, joyful, and meaningful. We need friends. Our friends support us, they are companions we can share common interests with, they encourage us in our walk with the Lord, and they can form an important part of our sense of belonging, our sense of home.

Close, healthy, and robust friendships will be marked by characteristics such as each friend having their own life and autonomy. The friendship brings two or more people together to begin journeying together, but they are still unmistakably themselves. In healthy relationships, there is mutual respect and a fluid give-and-take in how the friends relate to each other.

In these types of healthy relationships that promote well-being, there is emotional support given, received, and given in turn as friends go through various seasons of life. This emotional support helps to foster independent growth instead of crippling dependence. Friends help each other get back on their feet so that they can keep doing the business of life. Good friends celebrate their successes without being insecure or possessive of each other.

Talking about healthy friendships first should help you draw a clear distinction between that and a codependent relationship. The thing is that life isn’t always neat and tidy. The line between a close and healthy friendship and a codependent one can sometimes blur, and it can be hard to tell them apart. There are nuances between these dynamics that are worth noting, and being aware of them can help foster healthy, supportive, independent friendships.

Codependent friendships will most often be identified by an imbalance that exists between them. It could look like one friend who appears to consistently make sacrifices to meet the other friend’s needs. It could also look like the friends becoming so reliant on each other for emotional stability and other things that they cannot function properly without each other. One result is stifled personal growth and deeply blurred boundaries.

Tight friendships where two or more people are closely tied to each other, aware of each other’s needs, and willing to make sacrifices for each other, might, from a certain angle, look like a codependent situation. On closer inspection, however, the charge of codependency doesn’t quite stick.

Signs of Codependency in Friendships

Identifying codependent behaviors can be tricky because it can be confused for loyalty, deep love, or a generous and self-sacrificing spirit – all things that make for great friendships. However, some of the common signs to look out for would include the following:

A lack of boundaries When codependency is present, what often ensues is a disregard for personal boundaries. Codependent friendships often come with things like unreasonable expectations of constant availability and involvement in each other’s lives. Even the best of friends have their limits, lives, priorities, and responsibilities of their own that need to be respected.

An excessive emotional reliance Codependency will often result in one or both friends depending heavily on each other for emotional support, to the extent that it affects their mental well-being. If two people can’t function well without each other, they have been too enmeshed, and that points to codependency.

A fear of disapproval True friends will have some opinions that overlap, and others that might diverge greatly. Some friends may have a few things they agree on completely, but the friendship creates space for such disagreement and healthy diversity. If there is a deep fear of upsetting one’s friend, leading to people-pleasing behaviors and suppressing your feelings or opinions, that’s a warning sign.

Rescuing behaviors and caretaking If a friend tends to try or want to “fix” the other person’s problems, sometimes at the expense of their own needs, that might suggest codependency. If the other friend is often in trouble, and they rely on the other person to swoop in to rescue them, that could also suggest an enabling and codependent relationship between the two.

A loss of individual identity A good friendship may result in new shared interests or in a deepening appreciation of individual pursuits. Friends in a codependent relationship may lose sight of their interests, goals, or other relationships outside the friendship. They become so enmeshed in the relationship that their individuality becomes diminished.

These are some of the main signs to look out for that could indicate a codependent dynamic in a friendship.

How Codependency Arises in Friendships

It may be worthwhile to consider how codependency arises in relationships in the first place. Being aware of these various pressure points can be one way to shore up the friendship so that it doesn’t fall prey to codependent tendencies.

In many cases, codependency develops subtly over time. Some relationships start with codependent elements already in place, while others develop them over time, and as the friends experience certain things. Past experiences, such as unresolved family traumas, unmet needs, or abandonment, can play a role in friends acting in codependent ways.

Other things that can have a hand in the development of a codependent dynamic include going through major life transitions. When we go through things like loss, breakdown in health, instability, or insecurity, that can leave us feeling vulnerable. In those moments, we tend to lean on others, but there’s a possibility of doing so excessively, and to carry on doing so beyond the point where it’s still appropriate or healthy.

Lastly, low self-esteem can also have a hand in codependency in a friendship. If you have one friend who has or develops low self-esteem or self-worth, one way to find validation is by showing up for others and being helpful. What can happen is that the friend with low self-esteem can begin to tie their value to their role in the friendship as the one who’s dependable, or who shows up for others. This creates room for codependence.

Codependency can thus show up from the beginning, or it can slowly make its way into the heart of the relationship over time.

Taking Steps to Avoid Codependent Dynamics in Friendships

What can a group of friends do to build a relationship based on a healthy form of independence, mutual respect, and support, skirting codependent elements that could creep up? How do they navigate providing support and being close without falling prey to other, unhealthy ways of relating to each other?

For one thing, being a good friend has always required a healthy dose of self-awareness and conscious effort. Avoiding codependency may require taking steps such as:

Fostering individual interests While doing stuff together and enjoying each other’s company, you can still encourage one another to pursue your individual interests, such as hobbies, personal goals, and other relationships.

Have respect for personal boundaries You each have your limits, opinions, and things you’re comfortable with. Good friends can communicate such limits, respecting each other’s choices, as well as the need for independence and space.

Nurture mutual support Support and sacrifices shouldn’t be one-sided or decidedly lopsided. As much as possible, ensure that support is reciprocal. Hang out in each other’s homes and do things the other enjoys. Don’t just talk about yourself and your interests, but make room to ensure you both feel valued and heard.

Self-reflect Consider your role in your friendships, and whether you’re neglecting your needs or relying too much on your friend, without growing your own resilience.

Seek professional help Talking with a therapist or counselor can help you discern deeply ingrained codependent patterns. Your therapist can help you by providing tools for healthier relationship habits, such as good communication, having clear boundaries, and knowing when you need to retreat for self-care. You can talk with a Christian counselor to get help in addressing codependency in friendships.

To learn more and to schedule an appointment to meet with me or another counselor in our directory to address codependency in friendships, contact our office today.