Complex Grief and the Bible

“A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” – Ecclesiastes 3:4

Grief is a normal human response to a significant loss. The death of a loved one hurts. The death of a relationship through divorce or breakup is also a significant loss. Loss of a friendship is painful as well and for many reasons we may feel lost, disappointed, and heartbroken. Not only do you miss them, but you may feel overcome by intense sadness as you struggle to adjust to a life without them. These losses can also be characterized as a loss of a dream because of a job loss, a loss of a child, miscarriage, even the loss of the ability to live life unassisted by others.

People grieve in diverse ways, depending on the type of loss they have suffered, and/or the circumstances surrounding it. There may also be “secondary losses” to deal with, which make the grieving process more complex. For instance, the death of a spouse may precipitate other life changes such as loss of income, loss of home, loss of hopes and dreams, and each of these secondary losses needs to be mourned as well.

What is Complex Grief?

In the initial stages of normal grief, sorrow may be mingled with numbness, anger, bitterness, or even guilt, but gradually these feelings begin to ease, and it becomes possible to accept the loss and move forward. Complex grief, on the other hand, usually manifests as an ongoing state of mourning that prevents you from moving through the healing process.

In the first few months following bereavement, both normal grief and complex grief tend to share the same signs and symptoms. However, in complicated grief, instead of easing up over time the symptoms may linger and intensify. It may be difficult to focus on little else than the initial loss you experienced as you keep turning it over and over and over in your mind.

You may become so stuck in a quagmire of troubling thoughts and dysfunctional behavior that you feel powerless to start living life again. The painful emotions engulfing you can be so severe that the thought of ever feeling better or finding relief from your distress seems impossible. In the extreme, you may even feel like there is no point in continuing on.

There are, however, some exceptions to the above scenario. For people who are unable or unwilling to face their loss, the opposite is true. Their complicated grief will manifest as an absence of mourning instead. If this is you, you may find yourself doing everything you can to try to avoid your pain instead of acknowledging it. Denying your feelings, stuffing them, or turning to unhealthy behaviors such as substance abuse to escape dealing with them.

Grief is not something you “get over.” The only way out is through, and this takes time and effort. There is no way around it. The process of grief and mourning is how you mend, and though you will never be the same again, you can arrive at a place of peace as you become more of who you are. Grief changes us and develops in us a depth only known through suffering. Not an enjoyable process, however, grief develops a tenderness of heart that cannot be conjured up.  Those who grieve have an empathy forged in the fire of pain.

Where to Turn in the Grieving Process

You know in your heart that there are those in your life who will see and hear your grief well. You also know those who will not and cannot. Instead, find those who have grieved well by letting their pain soften their hearts to those around them. We all need fellow comrades-in-arms as we go through the battlefields of life. There are those who can be “Jesus in skin” to us. Seek them out and let them provide a safe space to be who you are at this tough time.

Sharing your loss and allowing someone else to mourn with you can help create a path through the pain (Romans 12:15). So can joining a support group. Hearing the testimonies of people who have walked through the darkness and come out the other end can strengthen your faith and be a powerful source of hope and encouragement.

Talk about your grief, express it to God, and allow yourself to cry. Even Jesus wept (John 11:35; Luke 19:41; Hebrews 5:7).

Jesus sees your grief and promises to walk alongside you as you travel through the valley. He wants to use your grief to draw you closer to Him and reveal Himself to you in a deeper, more personal way than you’ve ever experienced before.

When Jesus took on human form to dwell among us, He experienced every emotion you could possibly feel. “He was despised and rejected—a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief” (Isaiah 53:3a), so “we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who was tempted in every way that we are, yet was without sin” (Hebrews 4:15).

Bible Verses about Grief

He, more than anyone, can understand what you are going through, and he desires to comfort you, heal your broken heart, and restore you to wholeness. If you have any doubt, find verses from the Bible to hold onto. Here are a few that may help you:

Cast all your burdens on Him because He cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. – Psalm 34:18

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. – Psalm 56:8

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. – Psalm 23:4

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you go through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched; the flames will not set you ablaze. – Isaiah 43:2

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. – Psalm 73:26

For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking to a home yet to come. – Hebrews 13:14

Whoever believes in the Son of God has this testimony within him . . . And this is that testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son. – 1 John 5:10a,11

You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasure at Your right hand. – Psalm 16:11

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever. – Revelation 21:4

My personal favorite during tough uncertain times is this one:

The Lord knows your concerns and is perfecting them. – Psalm 138:8

This is written in the present perfect tense, which means it is an ongoing action forever!  He is fully aware and is working things out on your behalf in the very best way.

Christian Counseling for Complex Grief

Many people experiencing grief will eventually be able to move forward and find a way to integrate their grief into their life. Complex grief, however, tends to get compounded as we try to navigate uncharted waters when we are not at our best as it is. You may need the additional support of a therapist who can help you understand what you are experiencing, share your loss, explore your emotions, and support you through the process of developing new coping skills so you can manage your grief in a way that is healthy and productive.

Left untreated, complex grief can take a heavy toll on you that affects your body, mind, emotions, and relationships. However, a solid therapist can help you come to terms with your loss, freeing you up to experience acceptance and peace.

If you feel you need more help navigating your way through the grieving process than what this article could provide, please feel free to contact me or one of the other faith-based counselors in the online counselor directory. We would be honored to meet with you, see you, hear you, and be with you in your pain. You do not have to go through this life alone or feeling alone. Be kind to your good heart and let us help you find comfort and peace.