Couples Who Succeed in Counseling: A Christian Counselor’s Thoughts

Most of the couples who come into my counseling office are dealing with the relational ramifications of some sort of sexual brokenness. In almost every instance, one of the partners is involved in pornography or has been engaging in extramarital relationships, whether online or in person. Some of these couples are able to work through their issues and, eventually, realize the redemption and restoration of their broken relationship. However, many couples are not able to pick up the pieces and put them back together in a way that resembles a life worth living together. Some make it, but some do not. What is the difference between these couples? What is it about successful couples that empowers and enables them to overcome their difficulties? Is there anything they have in common?

What Makes Couples Succeed in Counseling?

I have learned that there are indeed some common factors shared by those couples who successfully navigate the recovery process. Based on my experience, and on articles and books I have read on the topic (primarily by Dr. Patrick Carnes and Dr. Doug Weiss), I have learned that couples who do well in counseling tend to exhibit many (if not all) of the following attributes:

(1)   They Make their Personal Recovery a Priority

Each partner has made his/her individual recovery a first priority. This means that they are willing to make sacrifices in many areas for a time. Couples may simplify their social calendar (volunteer activities, social gatherings, travel, hobbies, etc.) in order to set aside enough quality time for recovery activities. Some couples will re-evaluate and strategically reduce their involvement with social media and other forms of entertainment in order to eliminate distractions. Occasionally, they may even need to sever a toxic or potentially harmful relationship in order to be free to fully focus on themselves.

Recovery work can also take priority over some of the time that the couple would ordinarily spend together. One particular couple I’m working with have decided to set aside the first several hours of one day per week to focus solely on their individual recovery work. They have set up quiet working environments on separate floors in their home. When they wake up in the morning they make a pot of coffee, say goodbye, and then retreat to their workspaces in order give each other the gift of time and space to get their work done.

(2)   They Invest in Serious Work

Each of the partners are prepared to invest time and money in acquiring and reading books and literature about healing and recovery. Some of my most successful couples have treated their healing as though it were a college degree program. They tackle their recovery work with the same level of time, thought, planning, and effort that would be required to pursue a bachelor’s or master’s degree. They spend hours poring over texts and workbooks. They invest in a few good journals and spend time thinking, praying, and writing out their own journey.

(3)   They are Open to New Relationships 

Each partner is willing to foster safe, supportive, and possibly new relational connections with other people. This is often accomplished through attending 12-step meetings or through opportunities at church. The recovery community can be a significant source of validation, support, strength, empathy, encouragement, and understanding. Simply put, couples who fail isolate, while couples who succeed reach out and connect.

(4)   They Acknowledge that it Will Be Difficult

Both partners are willing to accept that recovery of the relationship is going to be a perplexing and evolving process. Recovery is hard work. They will both be challenged in ways they have never experienced. Healing and recovery will require more of them than probably any other endeavor they have encountered. In addition, healing and recovery will create intrapersonal and interpersonal change, which will undoubtedly challenge and impact both their individual and their couple dynamics. Successful couples enter the process with their eyes open in this regard.

(5)   They Are Open to Spiritual Growth

Both individuals are open to the experience and disciplines of spiritual growth. As a Christian counselor, I believe that True Healing occurs in the context of a relationship with Jesus Christ. Sexual brokenness is a sin issue and Jesus is the ultimate solution for sin. Growing spiritually as individuals will have a beneficial impact on the relationship couples share together, as well as on their relationship with God.

(6)   They Invest in Counseling

Couples who succeed usually invest in individual and/or couples counseling. This can feel like a difficult step to take. When sexual brokenness has impacted a marriage relationship, one of the most difficult parts of finding healing and freedom is admitting the problem to another person. This seems to be especially difficult for Christian men because there is immense shame attached to unwanted sexual behavior. It is true that counseling can require some risk. It takes a lot of courage to share your journey with someone on the outside. However, counseling done properly provides a uniquely supportive, non-judgmental environment in which to explore all of the mental, spiritual, and emotional underpinnings of the relational problems in the marriage.

The bottom line is that you and your partner can achieve long-lasting freedom and healing. However, this will not occur without intentional effort. You need to take ownership of your own healing and recovery. Invest in yourselves and in each other. Find a recovery group. Find a good counselor who is specialized in this issue. It takes great courage to reach out and ask for assistance but don’t let fear keep you from making a call. It is definitely not easy, but nothing worth having ever comes easy.

A Christian Counselor Can Support You as You Recover from Sexual Brokenness

If this article has stirred something in you and you have questions about what to do next, now is the time to act. It is very important for you to know that you are not alone. You are just one of the rare individuals who actually has the courage to be honest about it and to look for help. There is hope for you and change is possible Christian Counseling is an excellent place to start the process of overcoming an addiction to pornography. With the help of a good Christian counselor, you (and your spouse) can begin to begin to find the solutions you are seeking. I would be delighted to partner with you as you enter this challenging and important healing process.

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Tools by Todd Quackenbush, unsplash.com, http://goo.gl/wGgbix; Canoeing by Matthew Clark, unsplash.com, http://goo.gl/BZfa3Q.