Domestic Abuse in the Christian Marriage

Part 1 of a 4-Part Domestic Abuse Series

Domestic abuse is a grossly under-reported crime. It takes place in every country in the world and is an evil that pervades intimate relationships and families from all walks of life, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, economic or social factors, or religion. It is prevalent even among those who identify as born-again Christians.

Domestic Abuse is More Common than You Think

Although acts of physical domestic violence are perpetrated against men, several sources estimate that 95 percent of victims are women.* Nevertheless, three million men are physically assaulted by their partner each year in the United States alone. One in four women will experience an act of domestic violence in her lifetime, and it is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44, occurring more often than car accidents, muggings, rapes, and cancer deaths combined. Every nine seconds a woman is physically battered by her partner.

Consider These Other Startling Observations and Statistics:

• Fifty percent of all marriages will be marred by domestic violence.
• Domestic violence occurs in 24-30 percent of all homes on a regular basis.
• Up to 50 percent of all homeless women and children are in their predicament due to domestic violence.
• Forty percent of children who witness their mother being battered develop anxiety, 48 percent develop depression, 53 percent act out with parents, and 60 percent act out with siblings.
• Male children who witness violence against their moms are 700 times more likely to physically abuse their own wives, and if the child was also abused he is 1,000 times more likely to abuse his wife.
• Witnessing domestic violence in the home is the strongest risk factor for spreading it from one generation to the next.
• Victims of domestic violence are prone to depression, sleep problems, anxiety, post-traumatic stress (PTSD) symptoms such as flash-backs, and other emotional problems. The emotional impact of domestic violence is a factor in more than a quarter of all adult female suicide attempts and is a leading cause of substance abuse among women. Long term chronic conditions such as heart disease and gastrointestinal disorders are common among abuse survivors.
• Generation after generation, people have abandoned their faith and trust in God because of the Church’s silence, lack of intervention and support, and the misinterpretation of scripture to suggest that God wants them to endure the abuse. This is made worse by the suggestion that they don’t have enough faith or that praying and believing is the only appropriate course of action, and/or that God does not care about their suffering.

Abuse is Not Always Physical

Bear in mind that the above statistics and any others you can find are almost all related to acts of physical domestic violence. There are millions of uncounted victims who, although they have not been physically harmed, still live with repeated verbal assaults, sexual mistreatment, economic abuse, spiritual abuse, humiliation, and many other forms of non-physical violence. Paul Hegstrom, PhD, author of Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them, identifies twenty different forms of domestic abuse, and only one of them is physical. If relatively few victims report physical abuse, how much more underreported might emotional abuse be? Non-physical abuse is nearly impossible to prove, is often not met with appropriate concern, is not grounds for a restraining order, and does not have legal ramifications. Why report it, and to whom?

What Constitutes Domestic Abuse?

The terms “domestic violence” and “domestic abuse” are often used interchangeably in books, articles, and other forms of media—and rightfully so. Nevertheless, many people fail to recognize or call abuse “violence” because they equate domestic violence only with physical aggression, such as hitting, kicking, choking, or restraining. But here are a few definitions of “violence” that are found in the dictionary and that interestingly do not describe anything necessarily physical:

• An unjust or unwarranted exertion of force or power
• Rough or immoderate vehemence, as of feeling or language
• Strength of emotion or an unpleasant or destructive natural force

One definition of “domestic abuse” is to treat a person (or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly. This view makes the term an excellent umbrella for capturing a host of injurious behaviors that are not limited to physical aggression. According to author and expert Lundy Bancroft, a domestic abuser is one who exhibits a pattern of “disrespecting, controlling, insulting, or devaluing his partner, whether or not his behavior also involves more explicit verbal abuse, physical aggression, or sexual mistreatment.”

Domestic Abuse is About Power and Control

Domestic abuse is not about someone “losing control.” Rather, it is all about power and control. The abuser intentionally creates or takes advantage of an imbalance of power to exploit and control another person in order to serve his own purposes. He does it because it works for him. The abuser’s abusive thinking (belief system) supports his attitude, words, and actions.

Here is a sample of behaviors that may be components of domestic abuse, particularly if they are repeated and chronic:

• Physical aggression and/or threats of physical aggression
• Towering over you, getting uncomfortably close when angry
• Angry tirades
• Hostile lectures that go on and on and on
• Threatening to leave or divorce you
• Threatening to commit suicide if you complain, leave, or report the abuse
• Threatening to lie, to tell on you, or to report you about something in retaliation
• Intimidation by making you afraid with looks, actions, and gestures
• Smashing things or destroying property
• Abusing pets
• Displaying weapons
• Insulting, putting down, patronizing, or unjustly accusing you
• Name-calling
• Criticism that is harsh, undeserved, or frequent
• Sarcasm
• Yelling, seething, growling, profanity
• Extreme unwarranted jealousy
• Humiliating, hostile humor, joking at your expense
• Shaming, provoking guilt
• Dismissing your grievances to talk about his own
• Accusing you of doing what he does or thinking the way he thinks (i.e. telling you that you are the one who is angry all the time, or claiming you are mistreating him)
• Contemptuous facial expressions and other devaluing body language
• Denying or minimizing the abuse, blaming you for causing it
• Isolating you ̶ controlling whether you go out, where you go, and who you see or talk to
• Controlling what you do or what you wear
• Not listening to you, using the silent treatment
• Punishing you
• Depriving you of things you need, such as food, clothing, a bed, sleep, medical care, etc.
• Withholding sex or affection
• Demanding sex, sexually assaulting or raping, coercing you to perform unwanted or bizarre sexual acts
• Threatening to take the children away from you
• Preventing you from getting or keeping a job
• Controlling the money, taking your money, or giving you an allowance
• Male privilege (treating you like a servant, making all the major decisions, defining your roles and duties, acting like the king of the castle)
• Denying your basic rights, such as privacy and self-determination
• Using the law to enforce his power
• Using the scriptures to guilt or control you; asserting that God supports his beliefs/attitude/actions; misinterpreting the Bible to profit himself
• Making you feel bad about yourself
• Gaslighting ̶ making you think you are crazy by using mind games
• Abusing you and getting you to believe that you somehow misunderstood or imagined it
• Making you feel guilty, embarrassed, or stupid for the negative impact the abuse is causing you

According to Lundy, the making of an abuser is like a recipe. Each recipe has a different sub- set of ingredients from those that are possible. A single abuser may not exhibit every item on the list, but he will exhibit some of them.

When is Abuse Not Domestic Abuse?

No relationship is perfect and everyone has a bad day sometimes. Anyone in an intimate relationship has made grave relationship errors, including some that can be considered abusive. For example, on more than one occasion each spouse may have been rude, shouted, cussed, name-called, said things they wish they hadn’t broken a promise, failed to listen, acted selfishly, made some kind of threat, ridiculed, or even intentionally hurt their partner’s feelings or embarrassed them. Isolated or infrequent incidences of abusive behavior may damage a relationship and threaten love, but they fall short of “domestic abuse.” Domestic abuse refers to a persistent pattern of abusive behavior that in one way or another usually occurs often, if not daily.

How Can Christian Counseling Help with Domestic Abuse?

In my next article in this series, I will cover the characteristics of abusers, the impact of abuse, and the barriers to speaking about it and getting help. However, if you suspect that you are currently in an abusive relationship, know that you are, or are a domestic abuse survivor with lingering psychological pain, then you need support and guidance. A Christian counselor can help you to sort out your experiences, provide a safe environment for you to talk about and process what is happening or has happened, and help you to develop a plan of action while being sensitive to your spiritual beliefs and personal concerns. I am an abuse survivor and love to work with this population, so if this is you, reach out to me here to discover more about how Christian counseling can help you. I am only a phone call away.