Helping a Loved One with Extreme Social Anxiety

We are social beings that thrive in our relationships and sense of connectedness to one another. This makes it even harder for people who struggle with extreme social anxiety to cope with the disconnection that condition imposes upon them.

If you have a loved one who has extreme social anxiety, you can be a vital support for them as they deal with their anxiety. It also helps to be aware of things to avoid that can exacerbate the situation for your loved one.

What is extreme social anxiety?

Extreme social anxiety is an anxiety disorder that makes it hard for a person to feel comfortable in social settings. They might feel as though they’re being judged, and they often wind up analyzing their social interactions with others, with a keen awareness of how they may have been socially awkward and so on.

We all feel anxious at one point or another, and while we don’t feel anxiety in the same way or over the same things, it is a normal human response to certain situations. When we experience uncertainty, when we anticipate potentially negative outcomes, or when we’re in a situation that feels dangerous, we feel fear. Fear is how our bodies and minds respond to the unknown, particularly when it is potentially harmful.

Our bodies and minds are hardwired to respond to potential danger by initiating certain physiological processes that allow us to either flee from the threat or face it head-on. We can fight, fly, or freeze when confronted by possible danger. Our bodies release adrenaline and other neurochemicals as part of this response, leading to rapid changes in breathing, heart rate, muscle tensing, and a sense of alertness and hyperfocus.

This fear response can be triggered in a variety of circumstances, such as if someone jumps out to scare you as part of a prank, if you encounter a wild animal, if you’re driving and get involved in a near-collision, or if you have to speak publicly. You might feel tense, a sense of dread, restlessness, sweaty palms, and a knot in your stomach. This response can be mild, but it can also be intense, lasting for hours or even longer.

People can also feel deeply anxious in social situations. When a person has extreme social anxiety, they can struggle to be among other people or to speak in public. Being in situations where they have to interact with others, and where they could be subject to others’ gaze and appraisal, can feel overwhelming. Being outside the house can be hard, and that includes going to the grocery store, the mall, or a restaurant.

The Impact of Extreme Social Anxiety

Our lives tend to be lived alongside others at many points, whether at home, work, or just in public. We talk to people at the checkout counter, ask the waiter a question at a restaurant, call the plumber to come and unblock a drain, or share ideas in class. These are things that many of us take for granted. For a person with extreme social anxiety, however, these everyday experiences can seem like insurmountable obstacles.

Extreme social anxiety can make seemingly simple interactions quite challenging. Talking to a stranger can feel overwhelming; asking for help seems hugely embarrassing, even when you need it. Asking a question in class or making a joke with colleagues may seem like impossible dreams. This makes the process of initiating and maintaining relationships with others much harder. It can lead to even deeper social isolation.

When a person has extreme social anxiety, it can limit their options or opportunities. Asking for a raise from your boss, inquiring about a new project that you want to be assigned to, reaching out to a realtor to look for new housing options, going to a party or social networking event – these are all things that are hard to do for a person with extreme social anxiety.

Anxiety can make it harder to concentrate, to focus on tasks, and to be present in the moment. This means it’s hard to enjoy conversations, and it can also be hard to work, study, or perform at your best in other arenas.

Some Signs of Extreme Social Anxiety in a Loved One

How can you tell if your loved one has extreme social anxiety? Some signs are subtle, and others that can be harder to miss. These signs could include the following:

Avoidance One way a person with extreme social anxiety deals with it is to avoid social situations altogether. This could include not going to family gatherings, avoiding parties, or finding even small interactions with others quite challenging.

Difficulty speaking Your loved one struggles to interact with or talk to other people in new or large groups.

Physical symptoms. Experiencing symptoms of anxiety, such as trembling, sweating, going blank, or a rapid heartbeat and shallow breathing during social interactions or situations.

Fear of judgment Emotional signs, such as excessive worry about being embarrassed, judged, or humiliated while in social settings.

Being self-conscious Being overly concerned about how others perceive you.

Excessive worry about social interactions Your loved one obsesses over upcoming social interactions or events, or spends a lot of time after such interactions analyzing what they said or did.

Preparation and rehearsal Other potential signs of extreme social anxiety are over-preparing or rehearsing conversations to prepare for interactions with others. A socially anxious person will often want to avoid making mistakes in conversations, and they’ll prepare themselves by working through different possible scenarios of how things might go.

Relief at skirting social events A person with social anxiety might also express deep relief and be more at ease after they avoid a social event. If an event is cancelled or postponed, it is cause for relief.

Awareness of the signs of social anxiety can help you identify it in yourself or your loved one. Once you’re aware of what’s going on, being empathetic and supportive is a great next step.

Helping a Loved One with Extreme Social Anxiety

Extreme social anxiety can be debilitating. It’s an anxiety disorder that can make someone steer clear of social events or interactions with others. There are ways to hinder or help a loved one with social anxiety.

Some things to steer clear of include:

• Pushing your loved one too hard by placing them in social situations they don’t feel ready for. This can increase feelings of stress, and it can worsen the anxiety.
• Downplaying or dismissing their feelings or criticizing how they handle their anxiety makes it harder for someone to open up and face their fears.
• Being overprotective can prevent the development of healthy coping strategies.

On the flipside, there are several things you can do to help your loved one. Some of the ways to helpfully come alongside a loved one with extreme social anxiety include:

Active listening and validation If your loved one shares what they’re going through, listen with patience and openness and without judgment. Recognize how difficult the situation is for them.

Educate yourself Do what you can to learn about social anxiety and anxiety disorders in general. You can, in a way, grow in your understanding of what they are going through.

Help identify triggers A person’s anxiety is often triggered by specific circumstances. Through journaling, they can identify those triggers, but you can also come alongside them to recognize the patterns or situations that often worsen their anxiety. Knowing these triggers helps one to prepare for them.

Support small steps Celebrate the successes that your loved one scores as they try to overcome their social anxiety. You can encourage and support exposure to social situations as they’ve been directed by their therapist. If they’re comfortable with it, you can accompany them to social events, for instance, or to their therapy sessions.

Avoid enabling behaviors When your loved one is struggling, it’s tempting to try to make things as comfortable as possible. It’s a fine balance, but there’s a point at which being supportive can become enabling.

You don’t want to push them into situations they’re not ready for, but it’s important to also encourage independence and step aside to allow them to do things for themselves that they can manage.

Encourage self-care Some activities help a person to manage their stress and anxiety in a healthy way. Exercise, enjoyable hobbies, mindfulness, getting adequate sleep to enhance emotional self-regulation, and eating a healthy diet that promotes well-being can all help in reducing anxiety.

Suggest professional help Therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy can be effective in managing anxiety. Encourage your loved one to seek help from a counselor or therapist who specializes in dealing with anxiety disorders.

To learn more and to schedule an appointment with one of the faith-based counselors in our network, contact us today.