Helping Highly Conflicted Couples Through Christian Couples Therapy

It seems to me that we are surrounded by conflict: financial, political, family, personal, mechanical, and digital. Conflict, I think, is a byproduct of a fallen world.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. – James 4:1-3

This week, I have a larger-than-usual list of couples experiencing significant conflicts. Why do we end up in conflict with those who are particularly important to us? Most couples say they love each other, but have a tough time communicating love and compassion

What the Bible Says

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. – Colossians 3:12-14

Most people would like to be at peace. At least that’s what we say. I have noticed that there are times when I simply want my own way, and I don’t like the way things are. I lose sight of the bigger picture.

We have everything we need: money, opportunity, a lovely home, and children, and yet we’re not happy if we don’t have peace in our marriage. I feel excited at the prospect of helping new couples and working through the challenges ahead, but high-conflict couples can sometimes strain my capabilities.

Highly conflicted couples are often engaged in intense power struggles, each trying to get something from their mate, yet doing so in ways that create the problem. They demand, blame, punish, and coerce, hardly noticing their actions are fueling the fire.

Fortunately, Author and psychologist Marshall Rosenberg wrote in his book, Nonviolent Communication, that highly conflicted couples are trapped in power struggles with one another.

He suggests that people use “life-alienating language” filled with judgments about rightness and wrongness, goodness and badness, judgment, diagnosis, and self-righteousness, without hearing the values that the other holds. Couples who try to control each other end up in conflict, whereas couples who accept one another are much more likely to connect.

Common Dynamics of Highly Conflicted Couples

Highly conflicted couples often find themselves:

• Locked into oppositional stances
• Frequently angry with one another
• Poor conflict-resolution/communication skills
• Poor impulse control
• Tend to blame and fault-find
• Have rigidly held beliefs about their partner
• Offering little insight into their contribution to their problems

If you find yourself doing these things, here are a few suggestions on how to work your way out of that.

Change the focus

When a couple is struggling, they often come into a meeting with a list of complaints.

Reframe the Conversation

Reframe the conversation away from being about what their spouse is or isn’t doing to thinking about their relationship bond.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love– 1 John 4:7-8

Create positive interactions

It’s much easier to do something positive than to work through all the negative.. What can you do to build your connection?”

Questions to ask: What do you do that improves your bond? What do you do that tears down your bond? What will be the impact on your bond if you continue in these behaviors? What are you willing to do to improve?

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! – 2 Corinthians 5:17

Increase validation

Try to understand what is really going on with each other, listen to thoughts and feelings, and validate one another. To really understand each other, we need to uncover each other’s emotional needs.

For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” – Galatians 5:14

Recognize emotional triggers

Emotional triggers are what frequently fuel many of our conflicts. Our spouse says something, and it triggers us. It is easier to be compassionate and to have empathy for your partner. If you understand that you are reacting that way because that’s the way your dad reacted, often our reactions are messages from Our Childhood

Identify conflict patterns

Couples often seek help because they are fighting; conflict is not usually about solving the problem, it is about how you treat one another.

Build intimacy

Three topics usually lead to a couple conflict: communication, conflict management, and physical intimacy. So much of what needs to happen for couples is to simply have a safe environment where they can talk about their needs, their wants, what is working, and how they might want to increase the intimacy in the bedroom

Process resentment

Resentment can build up over time. At the core of resentment is not being able to forgive. We hold the hurts and pains internally, and then they pop up again and impact our current relationship. Sometimes, resentment and unforgiveness build up over time.

Forgiveness is a process. It looks like this: It is a choice, you can feel hurt, but you choose not to hold on to the hurt. You don’t just forget, but we learn to trust again. We develop compassion for our loved ones, and we let go of bitterness. We don’t emotionally shut down

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. – Philippians 4:4-8

To conclude. I suggest we pray for each other and focus on helping our spouse be better. Give with no expectation of getting back. Marriage is not quid pro quo. If you remember your vows, there were no caveats. No “if-then” clauses. There were promises “till death parts us.”

These are sacred, and God will help us with them. If you are struggling, take some serious time to pray, find a counselor, a pastor, or a Christian friend. In my experience, everything changes over time. Give God some time to make it better, and watch it change and get better. Every change changes everything.