Anger Issues in Men: Finding Support

Disney/Pixar has released a second Inside Out movie. If you’ve seen it, you no doubt laughed at how the animators were able to personify the emotions we experience throughout life. This movie focused on puberty and the questions that arise as our bodies change. But here I want to talk about fully grown men and anger.

In my counseling practice, I often encounter people who struggle with anger and are not sure how to deal with it. Some of my male clients make excuses and blame others for their anger. But I would say no one makes you angry, you decide to get angry.

The power of anger

One of the most common emotions that the men struggle with is anger. While the Disney/Pixar version of anger is rather humorous, the sad truth is that anger can feel more like a monster than a funny cartoon. Anger has a way of leading us in ways that we would never do or say if we were thinking clearly.

Many of my clients experience anger as an irresistible force that rears its ugly head at the most unexpected moments. It can feel as if anger is taking over what you want to say and do, even before you recognize that it is happening. But the truth is that anger gives you warnings along the way before you are about to flip your lid.

If you find yourself yelling, it is probably already too late to stop your anger. The goal is to manage your anger, and the first step in managing your anger is learning to recognize the warning signs that tip you off that anger is coming. Here are just a few of these signs.

Warnings signs of anger

Increased respiration

As anger approaches your heart might begin to beat faster. Your pace of breathing will also increase. This is your body telling you that anger is on the way.

Increased redness in the face

As your respiration and pulse increase, the circulation of your blood also increases. You might notice that your face feels hot. You might even notice that you begin to sweat.

Clenched or tightened muscles

Along with an increased pulse and blood flow, you might find yourself experiencing corresponding physical changes in the muscles in your body. These may include clenched fists, a clenched jaw, a tight neck or shoulders, or a scowling face.

A week ago, I had an uncomfortable conversation with a man who wanted to blame me for his lack of communication. I could feel myself getting angry and physically becoming ready to react. At that point, I had a choice. Continue down the road of blowing up and taking my frustration out (frustration is a 5 on the anger scale of 1-10) or what I did was take a few deep breaths, remind myself of what I needed to happen, and gently accept the other’s anger and apologize.

I did not think I was to blame but it was better to let the anger pass and continue a path that benefited both of us. In the end, I decided to relax and let it go, and my body physically changed. Too many men think that they are not being manly if they give in to another person. But I say being manly is often seen in absorbing others who are acting badly.

Racing thoughts

As anger begins to take control, your prefrontal cortex (your logical thinking brain) will shut down and your amygdala (your fight, flight, freeze brain) will take over. This is when you will begin to find yourself ruminating on what is creating your anger, thinking of all the reasons why this problem is so bad, and eventually losing your temper.

Anger solutions

By being able to identify the warning signs that anger is coming, you empower yourself to make different decisions in the moment. Here are a few survival tips for dealing with anger before it takes over.

Deep breathing (a.k.a. belly breathing)

Your diaphragm is your best friend. The Lord gave us a built-in vacation creator in our diaphragm. Take a few slow, deep diaphragm breaths. Count your breaths. Hold your diaphragm full of air for seven to ten seconds, and then slowly exhale. As you inhale and slowly exhale, do a quick mental scan of your body, and release any tension you feel. This simple skill can make all the difference.

Use your words

An intentional look at our words and the feelings we are describing is a useful tool in reigning in our feelings.

The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. – James 3:6, NIV

Dan Siegal coined the phrase “Name it to tame it.” If we can be aware of the feelings that precede our anger, and if we can name those feelings and share them with someone else, our brain will respond over time by creating a new way of coping with anger. Name your feelings out loud to whoever you are dealing with in the moment. Your words have calming power.

I use an illustration with my clients. I take a blank piece of paper and talk about my brain before it gets angry. Then I describe a time when I got angry and put a fold in the paper. I may do this three or four times and the more anger I experience the more folds I get.

Then I open the paper, now relaxed and not angry but not the same as before I had angry incidents. Next time something happens that triggers my anger I can quickly go back to the old pathways and in fact, it is the path of least resistance. Men will say I go from 0-60 in a second because it is a go-to experience. Anger begets more anger.

Timeout

Utilizing a timeout can be especially helpful for couples. Agree ahead of time that you will request a timeout if any of the warning signs of anger begin to emerge. Simply remove yourself from the situation and do something enjoyable or relaxing.

There are no time limits on a timeout. Take your time – as soon as your pulse and thoughts slow down, you can re-engage with your partner. You can notice your pattern and know how long it will take. Anger is generally short-lived but repetitive. The real key to a timeout is that there needs to be a promise to talk through the issues.

Physical exercise

Do something constructive with your energy as anger approaches. Go for a run. Do as many pushups as you can until your arms are limp noodles. Do burpees until your body cannot move any longer. This will distract you and will take the emotional energy and channel it in a physically productive manner.

Anger can feel overwhelming. Yet the reality is that it does not have to own you. Taking careful, intentional steps to learn your anger warning signs, and employing an anger management skill in the moment, can make all the difference. I have seen these techniques prove effective time and time again.

Christian counseling to deal with anger

Christian counseling is an excellent place to start facing whatever it is that has you feeling “stuck” – whether anger, depression, anxiety, addiction, or a combination of all of these. With the help of a good Christian counselor, you can begin to find the solutions you are seeking.

If you wish to explore more about the counseling process, please do not hesitate to contact me at Seattle Christian Counseling. I would be delighted to partner with you as you enter this challenging and important healing process.