How Can a Christian Marriage Survive an Affair?

There is no betrayal like the betrayal of a spouse choosing emotional or physical fulfillment outside of the marriage. When this happens, how can a Christian marriage recover from an affair? How does one forgive and move forward? Is there any hope? When both – the spouse at fault and the one hurt – are willing to be open, honest, and work through the betrayal in order to make things work, then there is always hope. The process will not be easy. True repentance with the right counseling and with some practical tools put in place, will lead to a marriage that has the potential to become closer and stronger than it was before the affair took place.

Ask For Forgiveness

It is obvious that the spouse at fault must ask for forgiveness from their husband/wife. However, often times there are other people hurt in the process. Children, grandchildren, immediate and extended family, coworkers, or close friends. One of the hardest things to do is admitting our fault to other people. There is nothing more humbling than having to ask for forgiveness from those we have hurt because of a selfish choice taken without regards to how it would affect others.

Seek Counseling

Recovering from an affair is extremely difficult for all those involved. It is important to seek counseling from a pastor or a trained Christian counselor. There are times when it is necessary to have someone else “walk” with us through the tough things in life. This is one of those times. It is important to have someone to mediate when necessary, to direct conversations, and to ask questions. It is enlightening to have an outside voice looking into the marriage and bring to light what contributed to the breach. And it is crucial to have someone help set up some practical guidelines and steps in order to protect the marriage for the future.

Sharing Hurts Honestly

There are many layers and levels of hurt, and betrayal touches the emotional, spiritual, cognitive, and physical parts of a person. There is no insignificant hurt or thought. Examining each layer is important to understand the depth of pain caused by the affair and share the hurts. Another aspect to consider in an affair is that sometimes, it is possible for the spouse at fault has hurts too regarding the marriage. There are no excuses for cheating, but it is possible that the marriage was struggling beforehand, and those hurts need to be shared openly, and honestly.

Listening and Admitting to Personal Wrongs

One of the hardest things to do is to listen and admit to our personal wrongs. It is especially difficult to listen to our wrongs without trying to talk back and justify our behaviors. This is not the time to do that. This is the time to listen and to acknowledge that your actions have hurt someone else deeply.

Identify Negative Patterns in the Relationship

Before the affair took place, most likely there were negative patterns in the relationship. Identifying what was causing conflict in the marriage is important in order to bring change. Often times, marriages simply survive, rather than thrive. It is good to identify negative patterns in the relationship, especially with the help of a pastor or counselor. For example, not spending enough time together, spending too much time in social media, connecting to other people and not face-to-face with your spouse, not talking about hopes and dreams, but rather have conversations centered around children, etc. This is the part of the process towards reconciliation where a couple identifies what needs to change.

Agree to Establish Healthy Patterns in the Relationship

Once you identify the negative patterns in the relationship, it is time to establish healthy ones. This is where you ask, “What needs to happen in order to make things change?”

Establish Intentional Time Together (date night, face-time, and couch time)

For a marriage to succeed, and to heal from an affair, it is important for a couple to have intentional time together. There are simple things a couple can do, like established date-night. Having face-time a couple of times a week, where a couple can talk about hopes, dreams, fears, new information, and reconnect. Having “couch-time” daily interactions where there is connection between husband and wife and a time that children know is “only for mom and dad.” When children know about the affair, it is important for them to see mom and dad spent time together at home, talking, and hopefully as time goes by, there will be laughter.

Establish Accountability

Crucial to the recovery process is to find a trusted friend, or a pastor, for accountability. And not just accountability about the affair, but accountability about following the tools set in place in order to help the marriage. It is good to know someone will ask you, “When are you taking your wife on a date?” or, “Did you have face-to-face time this week?”

Forgive, and be Willing to Move On

Bringing up the wrong again and again is not helpful. Once a spouse shared the hurt, and forgiveness has taken place, it is important to focus on the positive, rather than the negative. There might be new feelings that come to the surface, then shared and worked through. However, using the affair as a means to shame or coerce is not healthy for the relationship.

Understand that Grieving Takes a While

Grieving is not over the moment a spouse forgives. There is no timeline to grief. What might take someone a week to recover from, might take another a few months, yet another some years. Understand that at times, things will be hard, and there might be some hiccups, but keep moving forward, working on making the marriage strong.

Abide by the Covenant of Marriage

Lastly, remember that outside from God’s covenant with men, the only other covenant we have on earth is with our spouse. It is not a contract that can be changed, or cancelled, but a covenant. It is not about being “stuck” in a relationship, but rather thriving in it. Invest time, energy, and yes, even finances in your marriage (have a romantic getaway without children). Marriages do not simply “succeed” or “fail.” Rather, we either invest on them, or we don’t. If you need help to recover from an affair, then it is time to begin investing in your marriage and making that a priority.

By seeking Christian marriage counseling early on in the healing process, you will save yourself from more hurt and heartache from unresolved conflict. Living the “art” of marriage means we enter into a living parable describing our Lord’s relationship with His church. Therefore, while marriage can be difficult, it is still worth our time, our effort, and our desire.

Images cc: freedigitalphotos.net – “Man and Woman Sitting on a Chair” by nuttakit, “Sad Man Sitting On Bed: by David Castillo Dominici, and “Couple Lying in Bed Back-to-back” by Ambro