How Marriage Counseling Helps Overcome Common Marital Stress Problems

Every relationship will experience some type of stress related event. Relationships that lack healthy emotional nutrition (investment of time and attention) can expect to experience a multitude of dysfunctions. There are three areas of marriage that usually bring the most distress in a marriage: Money, Sex, and Family!

What is Marital Stress?

The dictionary defines stress as pressure or tension exerted on a material or object. In this case pressure or tension regarding money, sex and/or family will produce emotional dysfunction in the relationship. A couple will experience distress when external tensions and internal emotional forces collide – producing disharmony. Under stress,the lack of emotional investment produces anger, resentment and distrust, which magnifies anxiety and depression. Leaving couples to feel stressed out. John Gottman believes the unresolved stress of work, family, and finances will sabotage a marriage.

An Example of How Marital Stress Unfolds

Crystal and her mother are out window-shopping. Crystal picks up a beautiful Michael Kors wallet. Her mother says, “ Do you like it? I can get it for you.“ Crystal states that it is not in the budget. Crystal’s mother insists and Crystal accepts. Later that evening, Johnny is upset over the purchase. He feels set up by his mother-in-law and disrespected by his wife. A flashback occurs of the numerous discussions Johnny and Crystal have had regarding placing a hold on discretionary items until their financial situation is stabilized. Crystal remarks that if he made enough money to get the things she wants, her parents would not have to pay for stuff he should be paying for! The moral of the story is – someone is sleeping on the couch.

Financial Stress in Marriage

Show me the money. One of the greatest stressors in a marriage centers around who, how and what should be done with “our money.” Often couples enter marriage with a limited understanding of how to combine and conquer living on a budget. According to Gottman, couples should determine how to manage everyday finances and plan for their ideal financial circumstance. This strategy takes two people putting their preconceived notions about money on the table and deciding what is the best plan for their family. We often enter marriage possessing different views and skill sets when it comes to managing money. Some individuals are spenders, some are savers and there are various deviations in between. What position do you take on lending or borrowing money from family? Is it the kiss of death or a blessing in disguise? Our insecurities or lack thereof regarding money will produce anxiety and fear in a relationship. Be willing to show each other where the bones of financial instability are hidden. More money can produce more problems without a strategy. There are plenty of programs available to assist couples in money management. Get help early and often.

Intimacy and Stress

What happened to intimacy? “A major characteristic of couples who have a happy sex life is that they see love making as an expression of intimacy but they don’t make any differences in their needs or desires personally.” (203) Sex is great, but it is not enough to keep a marriage going. What happens if there are medical conditions or emotional distresses that prevent physical engagement? Developing and maintaining intimacy is vital for a marriage. The basic definition of intimacy: Look “into me and see” what really affects my state of mind as it relates to perform in the bedroom. Intimacy speaks to the emotional connection in each of us to be authentic and unashamed. Failure to address emotional malnutrition will compound sexual distress. Sexual distress invites external interference from outsiders. I like to call them marriage hitchhikers. A marriage hitchhiker is someone who recognizes the vulnerable state of a spouse and takes advantage of his/her emotional need for support. In order for a hitchhiker to get in the car, someone has to invite them in. The same can be said in a marriage. A spouse who feels his/her physical needs are not met will invite another who feeds their emotional and later physical deficits. To avoid disconnects that lead to intimacy issues, develop an environment which encourages the expressions of needs and desires.

Family Stress in Marriage

Boundary issues produce relationship complications. Our family (mother, father, aunt, uncle, etc.) can be a great source of support or a big pain in the aspirin! Identify where family boundaries are dysfunctional. Momma’s boy and daddy’s girl issues can run directly in the path of Mr. and Mrs. Newly married. More and more marriages represent a blended family dynamic with polar opposite parental and discipline styles. The rituals experienced in one household may differ in another. It is important for couples to stand as “one” when addressing challenges with in-laws. In-laws with a history of boundary violations may try to divide the couple in order to get their way. Counseling can help a couple set boundaries to protect what matters over acquiescing to the pressures of others. It takes time and consistency for other family members to respect a couple’s new way of living life.

Conclusion

Money, sex and family issues do not have to weigh us down and end in arguments and strife. How we choose to hold onto stressful areas will determine the burden exerted on the relationship. The stress and conflict that sometimes comes with money, sex and family issues can hinder developing a place of peace in the home. Couples who are willing to share their hopes, dreams, challenges, stresses and successes have a higher success rate to endure the various stresses of life. Your home does not have to feel like a battlefield of struggles. It can be a sanctuary that strives for harmony and safety. Christian Counseling can provide a wonderful opportunity to sort out issues related to money, sex, and family.

Images cc: freedigitalphotos.net – Debt by Renjith Krishmam, Alchemical Symbols by Simon Howden, and Marriage Keysords on a Colorful Cork Board by Artur84