How to be Empathetic! Obstacles to Empathy and How to Overcome Them

I was thinking about a technique I employed recently during a session with two individuals who were striving to understand each other and to love each other better. It was an exercise in empathy, in literally trying to be “in the other’s shoes.”

In the Other’s Shoes

We had spent the first few sessions working on truly listening to and reflecting back each other’s experience. But we had come to a standstill and no one was “budging” from their point of view. There was major frustration and shaking of heads, as each person was not getting what they wanted. So we changed things up and had each person take on the role of the “other.”

We went back to listening and reflecting, but from the place of being the other person. It took a little time, but eventually it really seemed that they had traded places for a few moments. There were tears of sadness, anger, and hurt. But there were also these sacred seconds in which each one connected in compassion to the other’s pain. I felt a bit in awe as I observed some kind of holy transformation happening before me. I will always remember the sense of holiness and careful treading I experienced that day.

No magical solutions were discovered in that session. No practical and easy steps were offered in order to get each other’s needs met. That is not the point of empathy. I have learned that empathy is not about “fixing” or “taking away pain,” but is rather about connecting within the pain.

Why Do We Avoid Empathy?

In his blog entitled UnTangled, Dr. Kelly Flanagan discusses five reasons why we do not give empathy.

I Don’t Want to Go First

Empathy requires a suspension of self, a vulnerability that is often resisted by the fear of being left unfulfilled and unknown. To be willing to know another takes courage and someone has to go first. We can only offer empathy one at a time.

I Don’t Agree with You

To offer another person a simple reflection of what you hear them saying, whether you intellectually agree with their point of view or not, is part of extending empathy. It is not about being “right” or “wrong,” but about being connected and known.

I Don’t Want to Feel That

Often our partner expresses pain that stirs up our own painful spots, and we find that we are unwilling or unable to “go there.” Sometimes we can tell our partner how we are struggling to hear him or her, while at other times we may need to seek outside professional help in order to be able to move through our own areas of pain. This will only bring health and healing, both individually and relationally.

What If I Get it Wrong?

There is a risk in offering empathy and in telling another what you hear him or her saying. If you are a bit of a  perfectionist, you may struggle to take that risk. It feels messy and outside of your realm of understanding. And it is.

It’s Not My Job to Fix You – I am Going to Fix You

We may feel that our partner is asking us for too much, and is demanding a solution that we are unable to give. Or we may believe that we know what the other needs in order to be “fixed.” But empathy is not about fixing a person or a situation. It is about joining another human being in their experience.

There is No Other Way

As Dr. Flanagan writes:

We will have to be willing to lose, because it will feel like losing. It will feel like our partner’s needs are being met before our own. But there is no other way.

We will have to decide to put aside all of our intellectual debates. Empathy is not a matter of deciding who is right and wrong. It is simply a matter of finding an emotional common ground.

We have to be willing to get it wrong, because we will get it wrong. Empathy is messy. There are no three-easy-steps to accurately understanding the person we love. We have to be okay when our partner tells us we’re not getting it. And then we have to try again.

We need to embrace our discomfort, because empathy will take us into some uncomfortable place within ourselves. If we are unwilling to go there, we need to quit talking to our spouse and start talking to a therapist of our own.

And we need to quit trying to fix things. There will be a time for that later. For now, empathy is about connecting within an experience, not making the experience go away. http://drkellyflanagan.com/2013/03/06/the-5-barriers-to-empathy-in-marriage-and-how-to-overcom

Christian Counseling to Develop Empathy

If you are struggling in a relationship and are aware that you need to learn to “stand in another’s shoes,” Christian counseling can offer a safe space in which you can address your fears and doubts and grow in greater understanding of the other person.